• Member Since 12th May, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 13th, 2014

LillyBreeze


T

Twilight's speach at her friends funeral

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 44 )

The song is sung to the tune of Celestial's Ballad.

Its bad that I already knew this before I read the authors note

For a first attempt at a sad fic, this wasn't too bad. Granted, it felt a little rushed, but it was pretty good overall. The only grammar error I noticed was that you seem to forget about putting periods on the end of sentences. A small error to be sure, but it was a little jarring for me. Good job, and good luck on your other fics. :twilightsmile:

2896840 Ok, I will work on that, im not quite sure what you mean, but I shall work on it all the same :raritywink:

2896835 I wouldn't have considered it to be bad, rather a good writing, but that's my opinion.

For your first sad fic, it's not bad but not the best I've seen. One thing that did stand out was her friends telling her to keep on living and Twilight not breaking down into a angsty mess.

2896961 Here's an example:

She smiled as she remembered her introduction

There is no period on the end of this sentence. It should look more like this:

She smiled as she remembered her introduction.

>>Celestia Paladin Thank you :pinkiehappy: im positive its not the best out there, but im happy with it. Thanks for the comment

2896982 ahh ok, thank you for the reference. I didn't put a . in because there was speech afterwards, but thank you for correcting me

2896961 I think it's a good story idea and if you can find a proofreader, then I think it can do pretty good

2897114 I had considered a proof reader, but I would rather a few of my own mistakes, than have to re write a whole other chapter. I have spell checker installed, so that is keeping me rather content at the moment :twilightsmile:

Not bad, though you could have done with being a bit more descriptive. You're very Tell-y which severely impacts the feel and flow of the story. Sure it may flow well, but it is much nicer to read when you are shown what happens rather than told. Here's a link that should help you a little bit in regards to that.

Also, always use a full stop, comma or some sort of symbol at the end of dialogue, this link should help a bit regarding the punctuation of your dialogue.

Good luck on your future endeavors.

Edit:
I'd also like to point out that the fact that they just died in a train crash seems kinda... It feels a little cheap if you know what I mean? Like it was just a spur of the moment idea as to how they died.

2897174 thank you for the advice, it is most useful to me. Just one question, what is Tell-y

2897159 Fair enough. Good luck on this story

2897203
Tell-y is a general term used when you use the "Tell language" a bit too much, an example would be this(although not the best)

Tell-y (Or just "Tell") - Twilight was tired from reading all day and decided to go to bed.

Show-y (or just "Show") - For the third time in the last minute Twilight's head bobbed sleepily towards the book placed in front of her. She'd been reading for the past five hours, barely moving and only did when her physical needs trumped her interest in the book. She yawned and looked around, noting how it was moonlight rather than sunlight sifting through the half-drawn curtains. With a brief flash of her horn the book closed with a book mark marking where she had come to. Another brief pulse and the book was placed on the night table besides the bed. A rustling of sheets and a few moments later and the unicorn was nestled happily beneath her covers, slowly drifting towards sleep.



Basically, I extended one sentence into several ones that shows the reader what she did rather than just telling it. I am well aware that I am not a master of Show vs Tell, and that I still need to work on it myself, but I think this example is sufficient to show you what I mean :twilightsmile:

2897231 I see, I shall work on that in my next one shot. I don't have any ideas, perhaps you would like a request? :yay:

2897247
I keep my ideas to myself :derpytongue2: If I actually have one it's one I want to write myself :pinkiesmile:

2897260 ok, just wondering :twilightsmile:

dude im crying right now. idk why but this fic really just slammed my heart into sorrow.:raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::fluttercry::fluttercry::raritycry::raritycry:.

Well shit. Just before I head to bed, too. I've read Cheerilee's Garden and I still grimaced at the deaths. It could have been longer and got more response to the deaths than just Twilight. But, that's my opinion. Awsome read non the less.

Is it weird that for the most part, I only read and write sad stories?

2897433 really! success! I often find it hard to bring emotion into my writing, but it seems to have worked

2898091 I am aware that I could have given more responses, but this was a story from Twilights point of view, but thank you for letting me know

2898222 I wouldn't say so, everyone had their strong points within writing, mine I think is one shots, while yours is sad. It is what defines us

It's so sad ;_; This is my favourite fic from you, it's so beautiful and heartbreaking......:raritydespair::raritycry:

Comment posted by jtc09999 deleted Jul 19th, 2013

i.imgur.com/sM7Q2JX.gif The only thing I think of posting after reading this.

how they died was gross but i like it:twilightsmile:

2910511
honestly... No the way they died was just eww and I didnt like the speech anyways... Sorry :trixieshiftright:

I was listening to Empty Chairs at Empty Tables while reading this.

2939236
its kind of graphic i get the heads bashing together but the legs and the wings are kinda gross
oh and i dont get how rarity's horn shattered

3029844 she fell on it and the impact of a table then falling on her shattered it. Yeah, gory i know, but it did say (i think) :pinkiecrazy:

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