FIRST DAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mommmmmieeeeee!" DJay looked around the room blindly looking for the dark patches in the white that was now her sight. She felt a slight poke on her shoulder and she jumped.
"DJay," Vinyl Scratch sighed, "I'm not sure you are ready for school." DJay turned her head to where the voice was coming from.
"But Mom!" DJay pleaded, "I've been getting prepared all week for this!" DJ Pon3 wasn't listening to her daughter, but instead was nodding her head to the music that was blasting down the street. "Mom. Mo-oo-mm?" Finally Vinyl was listening to her daughter.
"Fine Dee you can go," She sighed, "but be wary of the bullies at school." DJay nodded and picked up her backpack and stuffed her vinyl discs and her turntables in it.
*****
When she got to the school she went to Miss. Cheerilee's class. She walked in slowly and hesitantly, the other fillies and colts stopped what they were doing and looked at her. Or that's what she expected would happen. It got really quiet. "Oh! hello DJay! Nice to see you! I'm Miss. Cheerilee! I didn't know you were coming here today!" Miss. Cheerilee spoke to her cheerfully,
"Well class, this is DJay. She is the daughter to well known Dj, Vinyl Scratch, or DJ Pon-3."
A snooty voice spoke from somewhere in the back of the room while DJay looked down, "Is she blind?!"
"Yes Diamond Tiara, she is. But, that doesn't mean she's any different than us. Right class?"
"Yes Miss. Cheerilee!" They all answered, somepony groaning with disgust. Miss. Cheerilee helped DJay find her seat and gave her some Braille books on their lessons that Cheerilee had ordered,
"Ok class!" the teacher sang out, "recess!!" DJay felt a rush of wind as the students rushed outside. She followed slowly behind.
*****
When she got outside she crashed into somepony's butt. "Hey!" The familiar snooty voice said, "Oh look Silver Spoon, it's the blind blank flank!" Diamond Tiara and some other filly laughed, who DJay presumed was named Silver Spoon. DJay narrowed her eyes and stood her ground.
"Well- well," Oh god what am I gunna say?! Djay thought to herself. Then it hit her, "Well I'm glad I'm blind! I won't have to look at your ugly faces all day!" She could hear Diamond Tiara step back and start stuttering, "I-I-I"
DJay smiled, "What? Can't think of anything?" With that DJay walked away. And as she suspected, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon watched her, dumbfounded.
*****
After the bully event DJay found the swings fairly easily and started to swing. She, a couple of minutes later, got interupted by the Cutie Mark Crusaders, "That was like, so awesome!"
A highly pitched voice said "Scootaloo stop tryin' ta be like Rainbow Dash!" A country/western voice said, a little irritated. Then came an annoyingly squeaky voice, "Apple Bloom! Be nice!"
DJay groaned and jumped off the swing, that seemed to get the fillies attention, "Oh hai DJay!" Apple Bloom said cheerfully,
"Hi um Apple Bloom was it? Yea, hi Apple Bloom." Then the filly named Scootaloo jumped in front of her,
"So," She started to speak but got interrupted by the squeaky voice, "I'm Sweetie Belle! And we are the Cutie Mark Crusaders! We devote our time to finding our cutie marks!"
That was followed by a sudden yip and a laugh then Scootaloo started to speak again, "Hey we don't have our cutie marks, you don't have yours, so wanna join?"
DJay stopped walking and turned around, "Join? Join what?"
Apple Bloom spoke again, "The Cutie Mark Crusaders o' course!"
DJay rolled her sightless eyes, "Why do you want a blind filly on your 'Crusading' team?"
"Well we aren't like Diamond Snooty Pants and Silver Spoon over there." Scootaloo spoke laughingly while the other girls giggled, "we want to be friends with you!"
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom both said "Yeah!" She tilted her head and swished her tail, "Hm, I'll get back to you ok?" The CMC agreed and DJay went back inside to get ready to finally go home.
*****
"Mooom! I'm hoommeee!" DJay yelled over the music. The music got turned down slowly, like she was savoring every note,
"Hey Dee! Come upstairs and tryout your new turntables!"
DJay laughed, "No thanks mom! I'm gunna do my homework!" Vinyl came down the stairs and kissed her daughters head, "Ok Dee." She then trotted away speaking over her shoulder.
"DJay I'll be back soon. I'm going to get some food! What would you like for dinner?"
DJay thought about it, "Daffodil sandwiches and maroon carrot soup?" Vinyl walked out the door hearing her daughters request. DJay, once her mother left, sat down and thought about the crusaders. Maybe i should give it a shot, she thought.
*****
Then she tilted her head and took out her turntables and vinyl records and started to spin them. She then turned up the volume and started to create music, but then she suddenly stopped, five seconds before her cutie mark appeared, and did her homework, no idea that she was going to stop being called 'blank flank' if she went on for five more seconds.
When her mom got home she started to eat her daffodil sandwich and her purple soup, thinking about school, about Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and those strange fillies who wanted to be her friends.
A Diamond Tiara and Vinyl Scratch story?
2848401
lol! I hope thats a good thing...
2848408 It is.
2848415
lol
2848421 I have liked and favorited this story.
2848434
OMGGGGGG YAYAYAY!!!!
2848434
I have followed u cuz ur awesome
I like it though this is slightly wrong,
when Cherilee spoke her line should be one a new line. If you'd like I can be your editor.
To expand on Humane Chaos' comment:
In dialogue, every time you switch speakers, you must start a new paragraph. So, for example:
Must be formatted as:
The only exception to this rule is if you are deliberately trying to give the impression of multiple people speaking in a confusion of voices all at once, such as a crowd reacting to an unexpected event, where it's not necessary to indicate who said what.
Also: Don't use "text-message" contractions like "ur", "plz", and so on. Just... don't.
Next:
You have a random 1st-person perspective line buried in the middle of a 3rd-person narrative. Probably just a typo, since this is the only one I noticed, but something you should be careful of. Switching perspectives, or randomly mixing past and present tenses, will lose you a lot of readers because they can't follow the narrative.
As for the overall story: I like the idea in general, but I would say that it really lacks detail right now. Everything is very rushed, and you give almost no actual descriptions of what's going on, who anyone looks like, what they're wearing, or where they are. You haven't even told us what your main character actually looks like, nor do we have any idea of why she's blind. (Note: the story synopsis doesn't count as part of the actual story, for narrative purposes, so saying she had eye surgery in the story description isn't enough. You need to tell us more about this in the actual story.) Basically... the stage has not been set, and your reader is immediately dumped into the middle of the situation without any idea of who DJay is, what she looks like, how she ended up this way, or how Vinyl Scratch even ended up with a daughter to begin with.
In part because of this lack of detail, DJay isn't really believable as a character. The opening sentence ("DJay looked around the room blindly looking for the dark patches in the white that was now her sight.") implies that her blindness is a recent development, but she seems far too well-adjusted to it for that. Here, again, you need to do some stage-setting, to tell us more about the character's life up to this point, so that we have a grasp on who DJay is.
On the whole, this reads more like a script for a TV show, than an actual story. Remember, unlike the cartoon show, you have no pictures here to show the reader what the world looks like. You have to paint the picture in their heads for them, and that means putting a lot more detail into the descriptions.
You've got a good idea here... just bring more to the table. You're not writing text messages here; you don't have to compress your thoughts into 140-character tweets or worry about getting hit with text-message charges if you write too many words. Slow down, and take your time to describe things so that we can see the same things you do.
2848898
thanks for your input! I knew there was a "ur" but I couldnt find it!! And the 1st person thing was an accident!! Im sorry! It's my first story! ill fix the "stage" with a nightmare about how this all came to be and about her asking about her dad. anyway DJay is A dark/light blue unicorn with a lightish blue and maroonish funky mane and tail. ill fix what u said soon! thx again
2848506
yea sure ok um let me think about it ok? Im leaning on yes but im still unsure cuz this is my 1st story and i wanna prove my self! but im all 4 suggestions to make it better!
2848933
You're welcome :)
One other thing that I thought of:
Generally, you shouldn't tell the reader things that haven't happened, and aren't going to happen, as if you (and the reader) were omnisicient beings that can see every possible alternate reality where those things did happen if a character had done X instead of Y. In fact, this is called "Third-Person Universal-Omnisicient Perspective" -- and while it's true that a lot of classic novels were written that way, it's somewhat out of favor now, as it tends to distance the reader from the story and removes a lot of the potential drama.
"Third-person subjective" (also sometimes called "third-person limited") is generally preferred; in this form, the reader is only told what the characters themselves actually know and experience, and the reader discovers things at the same times as the characters themselves. DJay doesn't know she would've gotten her cutie mark if she'd just kept at it for five seconds longer, so the reader shouldn't know this either.
Don't worry about it being your first story. We learn by doing, after all!
i like this story the only thing is djay doesn't have much character to her. but otherwize good story