Spirit Wolf here! I will be editing my entire account so.... Yeah... Prepare
DJ Pon3 or Vinyl Scratch's daughter DJay is going to school for the first time ever since her eye surgery. Can she survive the bulling of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon? Will anyone beside the obvious crusaders accept her? Does she even want to be friends with the CMC even when they make fun of her without knowing? Will her past come to haunt her? What is it with her dad that she doesn't know?
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2848401
lol! I hope thats a good thing...
2848408 It is.
2848415
lol
2848421 I have liked and favorited this story.
2848434
OMGGGGGG YAYAYAY!!!!
2848434
I have followed u cuz ur awesome
I like it though this is slightly wrong,
when Cherilee spoke her line should be one a new line. If you'd like I can be your editor.
To expand on Humane Chaos' comment:
In dialogue, every time you switch speakers, you must start a new paragraph. So, for example:
Must be formatted as:
The only exception to this rule is if you are deliberately trying to give the impression of multiple people speaking in a confusion of voices all at once, such as a crowd reacting to an unexpected event, where it's not necessary to indicate who said what.
Also: Don't use "text-message" contractions like "ur", "plz", and so on. Just... don't.
Next:
You have a random 1st-person perspective line buried in the middle of a 3rd-person narrative. Probably just a typo, since this is the only one I noticed, but something you should be careful of. Switching perspectives, or randomly mixing past and present tenses, will lose you a lot of readers because they can't follow the narrative.
As for the overall story: I like the idea in general, but I would say that it really lacks detail right now. Everything is very rushed, and you give almost no actual descriptions of what's going on, who anyone looks like, what they're wearing, or where they are. You haven't even told us what your main character actually looks like, nor do we have any idea of why she's blind. (Note: the story synopsis doesn't count as part of the actual story, for narrative purposes, so saying she had eye surgery in the story description isn't enough. You need to tell us more about this in the actual story.) Basically... the stage has not been set, and your reader is immediately dumped into the middle of the situation without any idea of who DJay is, what she looks like, how she ended up this way, or how Vinyl Scratch even ended up with a daughter to begin with.
In part because of this lack of detail, DJay isn't really believable as a character. The opening sentence ("DJay looked around the room blindly looking for the dark patches in the white that was now her sight.") implies that her blindness is a recent development, but she seems far too well-adjusted to it for that. Here, again, you need to do some stage-setting, to tell us more about the character's life up to this point, so that we have a grasp on who DJay is.
On the whole, this reads more like a script for a TV show, than an actual story. Remember, unlike the cartoon show, you have no pictures here to show the reader what the world looks like. You have to paint the picture in their heads for them, and that means putting a lot more detail into the descriptions.
You've got a good idea here... just bring more to the table.
You're not writing text messages here; you don't have to compress your thoughts into 140-character tweets or worry about getting hit with text-message charges if you write too many words. Slow down, and take your time to describe things so that we can see the same things you do.
2848898
thanks for your input! I knew there was a "ur" but I couldnt find it!! And the 1st person thing was an accident!!
Im sorry! It's my first story! ill fix the "stage" with a nightmare about how this all came to be and about her asking about her dad. anyway DJay is A dark/light blue unicorn with a lightish blue and maroonish funky mane and tail. ill fix what u said soon! thx again
2848506
yea sure ok um let me think about it ok? Im leaning on yes but im still unsure cuz this is my 1st story and i wanna prove my self! but im all 4 suggestions to make it better!
2848933
You're welcome :)
One other thing that I thought of:
Generally, you shouldn't tell the reader things that haven't happened, and aren't going to happen, as if you (and the reader) were omnisicient beings that can see every possible alternate reality where those things did happen if a character had done X instead of Y. In fact, this is called "Third-Person Universal-Omnisicient Perspective" -- and while it's true that a lot of classic novels were written that way, it's somewhat out of favor now, as it tends to distance the reader from the story and removes a lot of the potential drama.
"Third-person subjective" (also sometimes called "third-person limited") is generally preferred; in this form, the reader is only told what the characters themselves actually know and experience, and the reader discovers things at the same times as the characters themselves. DJay doesn't know she would've gotten her cutie mark if she'd just kept at it for five seconds longer, so the reader shouldn't know this either.
Don't worry about it being your first story. We learn by doing, after all!
2848973
y r u so smart??!?!??!
2849119
Mostly, because I've been writing stories of one kind of another for over 20 years now, and I read a lot.
2852073
wow
Da fuq is going down?
2853508
What?
2853923 Wonder what's gonna go down between DJay and this new guy.
How often will you being updating by the way?
2855947
um every chance I get... and DJay got blind bcuz of this guy.
2858886
Thank you!
2861062
lol im working on a new chptr called confusion but im not even close 2 dun
2861403
I look forward to it
i like this story the only thing is djay doesn't have much character to her. but otherwize good story
2992463
How would you do her character? I Would love suggestions!
And if you would help me... That would be GREAT
2855947
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2853508
NEW CHAPTER RELEASED
3002085 im not a great writer or anything, but to me it just seems she doesnt have much depth. i could be wrong but, id have a etitor look at it or something. just a sugestion. i just read the new haper though and i though it was great!
3008838
thanks for the input! Its my first story!
And thank you for everything!!!!!! did you like the new chptr? If not how can i make it better??
3010838i thought it was great. i probably should have reread the 2nd chaper first becace i forgot what happened
but it was really good i liked it. if you keep writeing storys like this, youll have a new follower!
3011214
I'm working on another story... Its called Children of the Night. Its not published yet... ill tell you when it out! and i really really like u so if u follow me it would be AWESOME
3011243 awesome! cant wait to read it!
3011247
SQUEE
3011249 ill give you the follow now so i can see when your story comes out!
3011252
SQQUUUUEEEEEEEEE
