All my Indistinguishable giblets
Stretching as he got out of bed Doctor E. Scalpel R. cracked his neck, getting ready for today’s exciting adventure. Walking over to the hazard showers he earned a few strange looks from some other ponies as he took a quick rinse. Finishing his high powered shower he walked out and levitated a comb which he began to use on his hair. Looking at himself in the mirror he flashed a toothy grin and started back to his office. Picking out his best looking black suit he tied his bowtie and put on his blooded lab coat, something about it comforted him. With a stride in his step he walked over to his desk and sat down. Patiently he waited for his student to arrive, they were supposed to discuss the benefits and drawbacks of organized lobotomy gangs… but something was off, why wasn’t the Nurse here yet? She had never been late, not even once so far… what was taking her?
Looking over to the clock which read 6:01, she was officially late. Shrugging it off he took a guess as to what might be keeping her. Perhaps an ancient evil from 1000 years ago was invading yet again… what was it about that time period, six hundred sixty six During Celestia, that made it so dangerous? Trailing off he pulled a piece of paper and began to write a letter, but immediately stopped when he realized that when written out, Six hundred Sixty Six D.C. becomes 666 D.C. “Go figure,” He muttered as he crumpled up and tossed the paper aside.
‘Vait, I’m trailing off again, how silly of me… hmm, its 8:05, now vat could be holding her up? Might it be a swarm of parasprites? No, couldn’t be, zat is hardly something to not show up for… Perhaps…‘ Suddenly a look of terror flashed across him. ‘Oh no, I didn’t…'
He raced to pull out a calendar. Flipping through it he arrived at today’s date, which had “DON’T FORGET” scribbled all over it in multiple colors.
‘Ze 23? SCHEISSE! Zis is bad, very, very bad. Perhaps I could save time with a transition.’ Reaching frantically back into his desk he grabbed what he was looking for aaaaand
----------(At Redheart's)
Redheart sighed, she knew that he would forget today… even though she had put note after not in his calendar. They we’re going to spend the day around ponyville, without worrying about work or apprenticeship, just the two of them and the entire day. She had done a little more than usual, she was even letting her hair down, just for today. Eventually the frantic knocking on the door she had been expecting sounded like an alarm, and she reluctantly opened it to a breathless Doctor Scalpel.
After taking a second to collect himself he began “Apologies, Miss Redheart, I had-” but she raised a hoof, her face unmoving. Without warning she stepped forward and grabbed him by the arm.
“Save it, we still have the rest of the day anyway…” quietly sighing again she closed the door behind her and began to walk with him. As they walked together she started up again, trying to hide her disappointment behind a shroud of excitement. “Well I was thinking that today I give you a tour of Ponyville, we could have lunch; maybe go bowling… perhaps we could even visit the arcade if we have time.
“Zhat sounds wunderbar, my dear; I have been meaning to meet everypony for some time now.” He replied cheerily, taking this as a sign that she wasn’t too angry with him “However I vas afraid zat some crazy fans might have tracked me down, I’m sure you know what I mean. So vere should ve go first?”
After thinking it over for a few seconds she answered “Well maybe we could go hit town hall, and then we could go to sugar cube corner, Pinkie would probably kill me if she didn’t get to throw you a party, and then we could circle around town, stop for lunch later, and then go bowling.”
“Seems like a plan!” Scalpel nodded “I have to thank zat Pinkie anyway; I can’t tell you how much help her advice has been.” As he said this they began to settle into a steady trot, passing three little fillies as they prepared for another one of their hair brained schemes. Two of them were pulling a slingshot containing the third back; a ring had been set up several meters away as a target.
“I don’t think you should be doing this” warned the seemingly only worried one of the three, a bit hesitant to pull her friend back any farther. “Don’t you remember what happened the last time you tried this Scootaloo? You were in a cast for weeks!”
“Yeah yeah,” Scootaloo waved her off “Don’t worry about it, I got it this time.” Helping her friends out she used all of her force to move a few steps back. Judging her angel she slightly adjusted before giving her friends the signal to let go. Rocketing off the young filly did a 720 spin in midair and aimed for the goal. Passing through the ring she cheered as she checked her flank to make sure it wasn’t blank, which to her disappointment was still without cutie mark. However greater problems were at hand, like landing. Turning back Scootaloo saw that she was headed right for a tree and began to flap her wings to no avail. Screaming, she shut her eyes and braced herself for impact… and the worst, until another force tackled her out of the way.
Slowly opening her eyes the orange Pegasus was greeted to Dr. Scalpel dusting himself off. “Now then” He started “I hope you’ve learnt your lesson, no more slingshots… I don’t vant to find you vinding up in my operating room now, do you understand?” To which a shaken Scootaloo slowly nodded. “Gut, Nurse let’s get going.”
Scootaloo nodded, however she was in another place, all she had really heard from Scalpel’s lecturing was the words “Nurse” and “Operating room”. Looking at his lab coat she had begun thinking of another scheme to find her destiny.
As Scalpel turned to leave her the other fillies finally caught up to their friend. “Are you ok?” they asked in unison as Scootaloo got to her hooves.
“Yeah don’t worry, I’m fine. But I think I know what we should try next… We should give surgery a shot!”
“Hold up, ah think we already did that… didn’t we?” asked Applebloom.
“Yeah we did,” answered Sweetie belle “We flat lined a rock and were sued by its family for malpractice.”
“Ok, sure we had a few bumps in the road before” Scootaloo explained “But with the help of the guy who saved me I’m sure we can’t fail.”
“You really think so?” Sweetie bell asked skeptically.
“Totally, he’s a doctor and… where did he go?” Scootaloo wondered, looking around for her savior, who had heard the last few lines of the conversation and had galloped away as fast as he could.
---------(Later at town square)
“…And zen I found out you can use syringes to take a blood sample, and as you can probably tell, ze patient was much appreciative, although I always did like my way better.” Scalpel finished his story as the two walked up to the Town hall. Approaching a statue near the building he gazed at it for a few moments. “Nurse, how long have you been here?” He suddenly asked out of the blue.
Caught off guard she answered, wondering about his sudden change in tone “All of my life… why?”
Without moving his eyes from the statue he responded “It just seems like a place rich with history is all, could you tell me some of vat you know?”
“Oh, well I don’t really know that much about it.”
“Don’t vorry about zat, there’s a library correct? I’m sure ve could learn much about zat later…” looking away from the statue he began to walk away from It. “But ze egghead stuff can vait for now. Until zen, vhy don’t ve check out zis ‘Sugar cube corner’ zat I keep hearing about.”
“Already? But we just got here.” A bit surprised at how he was moving on Redheart caught up with him.
“And now ve’re done here, ze plot calls.” Scalpel said calmly, but he had a stern tone, almost commanding… completely different from his carefree attitude 20 seconds ago. Taken aback by this Redheart took a deep breath and followed a bit closer. Giving him a few moments to get over whatever was going on in his head, she took a deep breath and let the awkward silence fill the air.
Eventually the two made their way to the Candy Destination, and by this time Scalpel had returned to his normal happy-go-lucky state. Upon entering, the two were greeted by the shrill shriek of surprise. Jumping up from behind the counter, Pinkie Pie dashed towards them. She would have tackled them to the ground had Scalpel not stuck out his hoof to hold the crazed mare out at arm’s length. Despite not going anywhere the pink pony was still running in place as fast as she could, bantering about parties and cakes.
“Apologies, but could you calm down, Miss Pie?” Nikolai asked, trying his best to hold the pink menace at bay. “I don’t have zat much time here, well as long as me and Redheart are to make it to lunch. Ve Vere just stopping by to say hello is all.”
“Aw,” Whined the Pink pony, her bouncing level’s decreasing. Perking back up she continued “But we can throw a party later, right?”
“Perhaps,” Scalpel paused for a moment when an idea came to him “Later Ve are going to go bowling, maybe you could throw it zere?”
“Oh that sounds wonderful” Redheart chuckled, before pulling the doctor back to her and whispering “I thought it was just going to be us today.”
“Vell I thought it vould be nice to have just a bit of company,” he whispered back. “What harm could a little party cause?” his grin vanished upon seeing the animosity on her face. “Oh fine.”
“What are we whispering about?” Pinkie cut in, popping in from between the two.
Looking between the two mares he sighed and replied “Actually, Pinkie… Do you think ve could schedule for another time?”
“5 P. M.?”
“No,”
“6 P.M.?”
“No, Pinkie, I mean-
“6 A.M.?”
“PINKIE! Ve can have ze party another day, I promise, but today von’t vork. Any other day is fine.”
“Will you pinkie promise on that?”
Despite the signals in the background from his assistant not to, he agreed, and began the ritual.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” The two spoke in unison, going through the motions and completing the dark sacrament.
“Okey-Dokey-Lokey” The young horse giggled, as the medical team turned to leave. But before they exited the door Scalpel called back
“Ach, I almost forgot, thank you for ze information on ze vonders of trransmissions.”
“SHHHHHHHHHH,” Pinkie raised her hoof to her lips “we’re not supposed to talk about that on screen.”
“Ve’re not?!” surprised about this turn of events Scalpel stopped in his tracks, “Nopony told me about zis!”
“Wait… you haven’t been abusing it, have you?”
Nervously looking around Scalpel answered “vat? No, no, of course not. Now I have to get going… see you later, Fräulein” backing up he chuckled before rushing out of the building, dragging Redheart along with him. Galloping as fast as they could the two didn’t stop until the sugary building was out of sight. Stopping to catch his breath he looked to Redheart and asked “by ze vay, vill zis ‘Pinkie Promise’ come back to haunt me later?” which to his dismay she gave a sorrowful nod.
After resting for a few moments they dusted themselves off and continued on. “Ze next stop on our little tour is ze library, correct?” He started up again, regaining his cheery demeanor. He saw the pain in Redheart’s eyes, true, he had messed up… but if he knew one thing at all, it was how to salvage a successful procedure from a putrid mess. ‘I’ll only have to stall until lunch; I’ll make it up then.’
“Yeah, that’s it…” Redheart answered, putting up a fake smile. She was disappointed with how things had been going, but there was something keeping her going. It wasn’t romance, at least… not yet. It was more of a fascination, how Scalpel got away with all he did, and how it always seemed to work out. For the love of celestia the man was honored throughout Equestria, HOW?! The questions swirled around in her head, constantly crashing and waving, it was a mess just to try and make sense of them. She had been like this ever since she had become his protégé, it was hard to think, and maybe it was love.
‘No!’ She thought to herself ‘that would be childish, unprofessional even.’ She wiped the idea from her mind, it couldn’t be that… that would require a change of tags; which the author was too lazy to do. Sighing to clear out all the thoughts in her head Redheart closed her eyes. ‘The rest of the day is ahead of us, can’t let what happened already ruin that at least.’
Arriving at the Golden Oaks Library Scalpel knocked a few times and waited patiently for the door to open. When it finally did, he and the one who opened the door locked eyes, unflinching as they stared the other down. The contest lasted for several minutes until the Redheart interjected “can… can somepony tell me what’s going on?”
“How did you find me?” the purple unicorn inside the doorway coldly asked.
“Luck? Destiny? I neither know nor care…” replied Scalpel “But it is a pleasure to see you again, Miss Sparkle.”
“Somepony? Anypony?” the nurse continued to cry, in an attempt to get either of their attentions.
“Why are you here?” The unicorn demanded.
“Because my latest student vas showing me around Ponyville. May I come in?” The two continued to stare at each other, before bursting into laughter.
After several more minutes of this Twilight finally calmed down enough to step out of the way and let the two enter. While she and Scalpel continued to giggle, a slightly irritated nurse was almost at her last straw. “PLEASE TELL ME WHATS GOING ON!” she cried, annoyed and confused. “HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?!”
“I used to be one of his students” Twilight explained through fits of laughter, much to her surprise “It was a long time ago.”
“Ja, und she vas one of my greatest students” Scalpel added “She lasted almost two years… but zen Celestia moved my brightest pupil to other studies. Speaking of vich, vat are you doing in a place like zis Twilight? I vould have thought zat you vould be in Canterlot, learning vith ze best of ze best.”
While the other two conversed Redheart thought about it, Twilight was really one his pupils? Well it did make a little sense, especially when she snapped… in fact looking when at that, the connection seemed more apparent. She would have so many questions to ask her when she got the chance. But that could wait until they were alone, away from the surgeon. However another though was creeping into the back of her mind, what if Twilight would steal her spotlight? What if she became his protégé again? The mere thought of losing him now terrified Redheart…
“And ven ze surgery was done, he threatened to sue me for malpractice. My response? If you didn’t van’t to be awake during the surgery, you could have said something!” Once again the two reminiscing ponies burst into fits of laughter. However seeing the look on his current pupil’s face he quickly collected himself. “Apologies, Miss Twilight, but ve vill have to catch up on missed times later.” Waving goodbye he took Red by the arm and exited the building.
“Wait!” Twilight called after them, but the door was closed behind them before she could even take a step forward. Exhaling, she suddenly jumped when she heard a strange rustling from behind her. Following the noise she was led to a pile of books that she had been organizing before her visitors.
“Is he gone yet?” asked a small terrified voice.
“Yes, he’s gone… but why are you so afraid of him?”
“Because the last time I saw him he was trying to remove my skeleton and put my brain in a jar!”
“Oh Spike, how many times do I have to tell you, Doctor Scalpel is a good pony, he would never do something like that.”
“Yeah, well say that again when he takes out my spine and puts it on a silver platter!”
----------(Transition)
Meanwhile with Doctor Scalpel, he was almost pulling his assistant depressed assistant along. Her hooves dragged the dirt road, and her sad demeanor contrasted her bright surroundings. She slowed done more and more until she was barely moving, at which point Scalpel stopped and turned around.
“Ok, vat is going on vith you?” He asked worriedly “I know today vas far from perfect but it vasn’t… Terrible.”
When he got no response he decided it was best to keep moving, but when he turned he bumped into a frantic looking pony. “Doctor Scalpel, we need you in the operating room, STAT!” he screamed “It’s an emergency!”
“Emergency?! Code blue? Code 7?!”
“Sir, the patient is in dire need, we believe only you can save her.”
“Ah, Code SomeBodyScrewedthePooch, I See. Come along nurse, ve need to get zhere, ASAP!” The doctor boldly charged in the direction of the hospital, but when Redheart stood her ground he stopped and turned back. “Vat are you vaiting for, a medal? I can’t do zis alone. Are you coming or not?!”
“Why don’t you bring along your star pupil? Why would you need me?” She answered him.”
“Where is zis coming from?” He asked, trotting to her side.
“All of today, it was just supposed to be you and me.” She whispered “but from today… it became obvious that-”
“Shut up nurse.” Scalpel cut her off, but this time it wasn’t a scream or a yell in anger… It was a gentle whisper in her ear, followed by a tight hug. Shocked speechless redheart could only let her mouth hang open as Scalpel patted her head. “Now zen, are you coming or not?” he asked again.
Still speechless Redheart could only nod her head as the doctor reached into his pocket.
“Wunderbar! Zen I’ll do ze honors.”
----------(Later, at the hospital)
Galloping down the hallway to his operating room Scalpel and Redheart listened as another doctor debriefed them.
“We don’t know how, but it would appear she was beaten within an inch of her life, sliced open, had several organs removed, and was accidentally set on fire. And these was the tools used by the culprits” The doctor presented a rusty old set of operating tools.
Looking them over Scalpel scratched his head as they turned a corner. “Ok, you might be missing a tool or two, who could set somepony on fire with just a few scalpels and some tubing?”
“The Cutie Mark Crusaders sir, the girl said she was suffering from broken leg when they decided they would help. Right now we can only assume that it was broken before they were finished.”
“But vat about ze fire?” he asked again.
“It was the CMC sir, any attempt to find their cutie marks that doesn’t involve their obvious skills somehow results in something burnt.”
“Ooh,” he giggled “I vill have to speak vith zhem about zhat later.”
“Priorities, sir.”
“Oh, apologies, sorry, I let my mind vander sometimes. Are all the tools I requested there?”
“Yes.”
Turning another corner they finally reached the double doors to the operating room. Upon entering he quickly pushed everybody except himself and Redheart out and turned to the mangled figure that he assumed was the victim. Past the burnt fur he could make out that she had a pink coat. Both of her legs were twisted in ways that shouldn’t be physically possible while still being attached, and were twisted in several places. Her right foreleg was stapled to her side, while the other one was glued to her plot. Her torso was covered in black bruises, several of which still seemed to be smoldering. Like the doctor had said a large incision made its way across her chest, revealing the pulsating innards. Lastly a plastic tiara was bolted into her skull. The only sign that she was holding onto life was the multiple monitors confirming this that surrounded her.
The same setup of tools from before was strewn across the tables, save the cockroaches that had managed to escape their prison and were now frolicking about in the vat of glue. However a few new goodies lined the little shop of horrors, including a monkey wrench, wire cutters, a glass jar filled with mysterious green goo, and a mysterious machine that held what looked like a small pointless pen over the patient.
“Stop playing around in zhere, silly babies” Scalpel muttered as he used the plastic container to scoop the insects up out of the glue. Sealing it he took another look over and complained “Looks like something out of a grimdark, ah vell, better get to vork.” Putting both hooves together he reached in and began counting. “Eins, zwei, DREI!”
Upon reaching three he ripped the arm free of its metal holdings. Quickly stitching the opened wounds closed he moved on to the legs. Cracking his neck, he began to bend them back into what looked like the right position. A loud, sickening crunch was heard with each bend of the poor filly’s limbs. When that job was finally finished he moved on to the bolts in the fillies head.
“Hmm… I don’t think ve can take zese out vithout a accidentally lobotomizing her… she von’t mind having zis stuck to her head from now on, right?” He asked Red while he poked the Tiara.
“Well, doctor, her name IS Diamond Tiara.” She explained while he looked it over.
“Zhen zis vas destiny... I von’t go messing vith zat shit again, especially after vat happened last time.” Patting the plastic toy he moved down to her chest. “Und as long as zis is here, ve might as vell check for any internal damage. Slowly stretching the cavity open he held out his hoof “Bring me ze new toy.”
While Redheart reached up for the mechanical device she asked him “Where did you get this? It looks more advanced than anything I’ve seen before.”
“Shut up nurse!” the doctor yelled on cue, grabbing the “pen” from her he began to explain as he began aiming for the ribs. “You see, zis beauty comes from another doctor I vas friend’s vith for ze longest time. Oh ze adventures ve had, hell, I think he’s even in ponyville right now!” Clicking a small button on the machine a bright beam emitted from the end of the device, slicing through the ribs like butter. When the last rib was cut he removed the sternum and took a good long look inside.
“Ach, it smells horrible in here, like spoiled bratwurst.” Reaching around inside he began messing around with organs. “Zis looks alright, und so does zis, seems fine, don’t need zat, shame we can’t extract that, ve’ll leave zis for now.” throwing the organs he deemed unnecessary into the mini fridge, he continued “Alright, seems all good. I still vish ve had a rubber chicken in her size, but ze lung vill have to stay for now.” gluing the sternum back in its place he slowly stitched the opening back up and took a step back to look over his work.
“Do you want me to handle the other foreleg?” Redheart asked, examining where it had been stuck.
“Nurse, don’t you understand? Zhere is no other vay, zat limb needs to come off.” Scalpel said unflinching.
“But… its just”
“AMPUTATION!”
“Its just…”
“NURSE, SHUT UP, HAND ME ZE BONE SAW!”
----------(One horrifying gruesome amputation later)
"Und now ve cut through ze"
----------(Oh god, their still going at it, sorry)
“And now ve spread ze goo on ze-”
-----------(Another censored scene later)
“Bandage everything up now, und get me ze orange juice, she’s going to be just fine.”
-----------(After the victory Orange juice syringe)
“Who’s messing vith ze transitions?”
------------(In the waiting room)
“Is she going to be okay?” Filthy Rich asked, worried about his darling Tiara.
“Oh ja, give her a few veeks bed rest and she’ll be just fine.” Scalpel confirmed happily.
“doctor, you’re a miracle worker… I can’t repay you enough, name your price. Money is no object.”
“However…”
“However?”
“I’m sorry, ve needed to amputate her foreleg, zhere vas no avoiding it…”
Despite this bad news, Filthy shook scalpels hook feverishly “If that’s the price my daughter has to pay for life, so be it. I don’t care, just as long as she’s alive. Thank you doctor.”
“Do not vorry about it, It is vat I do, take care, Mr. Rich.” Having finished explaining what was happening to the aristocrat he walked outside and met up with Redheart.
“And how did that go?” She asked.
“Rather vell, und now vith zat disaster avoided, how about ve go get lunch.”
“It’s 9 o’clock!”
“Dinner?”
“IN THE MORNING!
“Breakfast!”
“Sometimes… I… just… fine, let’s go eat.” On their way to the diner a though came to her. “Whatever happened to the Cutie Mark Crusaders?”
“Oh zhere being charged vith ze harshest punishment our judicial system can muster.”
“Community service?”
“Nein”
“Jail time?”
“Only for apple bloom, 40 years, ze apple family makes for surprisingly damn good lawyers.”
“And the other two?”
“Ze dictionary and ze chicken got ze death penalty, I called dibs on their body parts for later surgeries though.” Stunned by this information Redheart didn’t say another word until they finally got something to eat, and despite missing lunch AND dinner she wasn’t really that hungry.
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“Wha?”
“Oh don’t worry about it, I’ve been hanging out with Pinkie Pie recently, and we’re about to cut upstairs in a few seconds.”
“But what are you talking about?”
-----([Upstairs])
Rainbow with a broken wing in a crash, Scootaloo with a broken leg trying to replicate that crash.
So much Pinkie Pie comedy style comedy. :3
And yes, it did remind me of ze Medic.
A very good read.
Although, walls of text aren't pleasant to read...
This story.
My God.
My sides.