Chapter 1: The Fight
It was just another Saturday morning in Ponyville. The sun had just dawned, and ponies were starting to come out of their houses and take on the day. For Sweetie Belle this was not your average Saturday. Every summer for the past three years her parents had always gone on a romantic vacation to the tropics and left Sweetie with her sister Rarity. Sweetie Belle loved having fun with her sister. This summer she was going to get to go to the summer sun celebration with her sister. It was going to be so much fun.
"Okay Sweetie were here!" shouted her father as they pulled up to Raritys Boutique.
"Sweetie got her bags out of the back of the carriage and said bye to her parents. "Bye mom! Bye dad! I hope you have fun on your vacation!" shouted Sweetie as her parents carriage drives away.
Oh boy! I get to spend a whole week with my favorite sister in the world!
Sweetie Belle knocked on the door and waited for Rarity to open it.
"Just a minute!" shouted Rarity who sounded as though she was trying to concentrate on something else.
Rarity opened the door, she seemed to be in a sour mood. But her face lit up when she saw Sweetie Belle.
"Sweetie Belle its so good to see you!" shouted Rarity as she hugged Sweetie Belle "Come inside and make yourself at home."
Sweetie Belle came inside and put her stuff in the guest bedroom where she always stays when she is at Raritys house. Sweetie was so happy to be back at Raritys house. The week she stayed at Raritys house was always her favorite time of the year She couldn't wait to see what Rarity had planned for them to do this week. Sweetie Belle trotted downstairs to talk to her sister.
"So sis what are we going to do today?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"Oh I'm so sorry Sweetie but today I'm working on my dress for the Summer Sun Celebration! Its going to look fabulous!" exclaimed Rarity.
"Oh... well I thought we could do something fun today." said Sweetie Belle, who was a bit disappointed.
"Yes I wish we could to, but once I'm done we can have fun all week!" said Rarity.
"Okay! I'll go find something else to do" said Sweetie.
Sweetie went up to guest room. She sat around, she read a book, she stared ominously out the window. She thought about how amazing Raritys dress was going to be and how much fun they were going to have. But understandably Sweetie Belle eventually became bored. She sat around in an extended state of boredom until finally...
"Sweetie! Come downstairs! I have something to show you!" Rarity shouted up the stairs
Sweetie dashed down the stairs excitedly. She turned to see Rarity standing next to a beautiful white and gold dress.
"So? What do you think?" asked Rarity
The dress was a brilliant white with intricate gold vines wrapping around it. There was a necklace with all kinds of gems and a tiara with a large diamond on front. The dress appeared to be made out of very fine silk.
"It's beautiful!" said Sweetie Belle as she stared wide eyed at the dress
"Those vines are made of real gold! It took me month to make it! I can't wait to wear it to the summer sun celebration!" exclaimed Rarity
"Can I take a closer look?" asked Sweetie Belle
"Sure! But be very careful... the fabric can tear very easily" said Rarity
Sweetie began to trot toward the dress.
"Wait! Sweetie! Look out for the needles!" shouted Rarity
"Wh- AUGH!" screamed Sweetie Belle as she stepped right on the sharp tip of a needle.
She stumbled, colliding into the dress.
"NOOOOO!" screamed Rarity
The dress toppled over, part of it catching on a coat hanger. A sickening ripping noise echoed throughout the room. When it was all over Sweetie was lying on the floor with her hoof bleeding and Raritys dress had a large rip right down the middle.
"Oh no! I'm so sorry Rarity!" sniffled Sweetie Belle
"You...you destroyed it... I spent months working on that...." mumbled Rarity
"But-" said Sweetie Belle who was quickly cut off by Rarity
"No buts... you destroyed my dress! YOU RUINED IT!" said Rarity who started to scream
"WELL YOU LEFT YOUR NEEDLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR!" screamed Sweetie Belle
"WELL YOU DIDN'T WATCH WHERE YOU WERE GOING!" screamed Rarity "GO TO THE GUEST ROOM NOW! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW!"
Sweetie dashed into the guest room, viciously slamming the door. She pulled down the curtains, threw things, and even flipped over a desk. In her rage she formulate a plan. She would run away to the everfree forest. When their parents found out Rarity would talk the blame. She would return to Rarity being punished... it was the perfect plan. She sat in her room waiting for the perfect moment. She heard Rarity downstairs banging around. She waited... and waited... until finally she heard the sounds stop. This was it.
Sweetie pulled open her bedroom window and dashed out into the night air. She streaked across Ponyville under the light of the moon. She snuck through alleyways and around buildings until finally she reached her destination.
The everfree forest...perfect
With that Sweetie Belle dashed into the forest.
I This concept!
Hi, I'm SilentBelle, and I like to take a look at just about every Sweetie story that pops up, and give a critique or two when I can.
So, honestly, this story could use a lot of work.
It was a little fast-paced. There isn't enough time for the reader to really get into Sweetie Belle's mindset and empathize with her.
The premise is fairly cliche, and I'd normally forgive that if Sweetie Belle were presented with a strong personality and if the story was written in an engaging manner.
I wonder why you change to present tense when you start in past tense. I recommend sticking with past tense, as it is, in general, more appealing to most readers.
There are some grammar issues within the attributions.
Avoid using asterisks for characters actions (such as sighing).
So in short. It could use a lot of work, but I like the premise. If you want help, with editing or getting opinions on ideas, you can send me a PM. I like to help out where and when I can (especially in SB stories).
~SilentBelle
While the concept is nice, the execution falls a bit flat. This feels like I'm reading a catch-up moment before the actual episode. It's a bit rushed and a bit broad as well. Also, you didn't finish a sentence (unfortunately, I'm using my phone and am unable to copy/paste the sentence without it being a chore.) I should give you a 6/10, but because you have potential and a good concept, my final rating for this chapter is a bare 7/10. Consider a revision of this chapter and read your chapter as if you were reading somebody else's story. That should give you an indication of you story in a nutshell.
How'd this get put on the site at fewer than a thousand words?
@Brony_Fife
It was orginally 1,000 words but i revised it and it ended up words being about 20 words less than 1000. Ill edit it to make it 1000 though
Well, since you asked...
(Ohh, ponyfeathers, here we go again...)
Two problems here: One, "Rarity's" needs to have the apostrophe, to indicate the possessive form. (The same goes for things like "Sweeties hooves"; the hooves belong to Sweetie, therefore it has to be the possessive, i.e. "Sweetie's hooves".) Without the apostrophe, the "s" makes it plural, i.e. "more than one Rarity" (which is a frightening thought) --
(...well, I never!)
(You should. It's fun.)
(...)
*ahem* And the second problem is, don't randomly mix past and present tenses. This needs to be:
Sweetie Belle came inside, and put her stuff in the guest bedroom where she always stayed when she was at Rarity's house.
(My goodness, we really do seem to have to point this out an awful lot... I really must have a word with the Equestrian Education Board about the textbooks we're using these days...)
Next: Punctuation is an issue. Missing periods at the ends of sentences, and commas, commas, commas. You've got tons of run-on sentences in here, where two or three different thoughts or actions are colliding into a mess because there's no separation. For example:
Too much going on here, with at least three disjointed ideas packed into a single run-on sentence. Break these up, like so:
It was just another Saturday morning in Ponyville. The sun had just dawned, and ponies were starting to come out of their houses and take on the day.
Um... these are kind of out of place, don't you think? Ponies don't swear "oh, God!" in the show; they swear by Celestia, or use ponified oaths like "horsefeathers", "oh, hay!", etc.
Aside from those, pretty much what the previous commenters have said. It's a cute idea, but really feels rushed. Hardly any time is spent setting up the situation, and the whole thing reads "Sweetie did this, Rarity did that, Sweetie did this, then she did this, then this other thing happened" without really ever delving into the details of what happened. It comes off being more like a quick outline of a story, rather than a fully fleshed-out piece. Slow down the action some, take the time to add some details and character bits to give the reader a clearer idea of the scene and make the characters more like "real" people (ponies) who are taking the initiative to act on their own behalf, instead of cardboard cutouts being pushed around at the whims of the story.
The second part of that sentence is unnecessary, and just diminishes the dramatic impact of the first part. Of course she intends to succeed in her plan! Don't over-explain things.
This may seem to contradict the advice I just gave a moment ago, but what I mean is, be careful of explicitly spelling out those things which are already so obvious to the reader that it becomes redundant. If this was coming much later into a story in which Sweetie had tried and failed at several different plans prior to this one, then you could bring this in as a way of showing her determination to succeed this time. But right at the beginning of the story, it's obvious to the reader that she intends to succeed; the main character of a story never starts out intending to fail!