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Rarity and Sweetie Belle have a fight after Sweetie accidentally tears a very important dress Rarity was working on. Sweetie gets so mad she runs away from home into the Everfree Forest. Sweetie ends up getting lost and then realizes she could never stay mad at Rarity. Sweetie goes on a journey through the woods desperately trying to get back home to Rarity.
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I
This concept!
Hi, I'm SilentBelle, and I like to take a look at just about every Sweetie story that pops up, and give a critique or two when I can.
So, honestly, this story could use a lot of work.
It was a little fast-paced. There isn't enough time for the reader to really get into Sweetie Belle's mindset and empathize with her.
The premise is fairly cliche, and I'd normally forgive that if Sweetie Belle were presented with a strong personality and if the story was written in an engaging manner.
I wonder why you change to present tense when you start in past tense. I recommend sticking with past tense, as it is, in general, more appealing to most readers.
There are some grammar issues within the attributions.
Avoid using asterisks for characters actions (such as sighing).
So in short. It could use a lot of work, but I like the premise. If you want help, with editing or getting opinions on ideas, you can send me a PM. I like to help out where and when I can (especially in SB stories).
~SilentBelle
While the concept is nice, the execution falls a bit flat. This feels like I'm reading a catch-up moment before the actual episode. It's a bit rushed and a bit broad as well. Also, you didn't finish a sentence (unfortunately, I'm using my phone and am unable to copy/paste the sentence without it being a chore.) I should give you a 6/10, but because you have potential and a good concept, my final rating for this chapter is a bare 7/10. Consider a revision of this chapter and read your chapter as if you were reading somebody else's story. That should give you an indication of you story in a nutshell.
How'd this get put on the site at fewer than a thousand words?
@Brony_Fife
It was orginally 1,000 words but i revised it and it ended up words being about 20 words less than 1000. Ill edit it to make it 1000 though
Well, since you asked...
(Ohh, ponyfeathers, here we go again...)
Two problems here: One, "Rarity's" needs to have the apostrophe, to indicate the possessive form. (The same goes for things like "Sweeties hooves"; the hooves belong to Sweetie, therefore it has to be the possessive, i.e. "Sweetie's hooves".) Without the apostrophe, the "s" makes it plural, i.e. "more than one Rarity" (which is a frightening thought) --
(...well, I never!)
(You should. It's fun.)
(...)
*ahem* And the second problem is, don't randomly mix past and present tenses. This needs to be:
Sweetie Belle came inside, and put her stuff in the guest bedroom where she always stayed when she was at Rarity's house.
(My goodness, we really do seem to have to point this out an awful lot... I really must have a word with the Equestrian Education Board about the textbooks we're using these days...)
Next: Punctuation is an issue. Missing periods at the ends of sentences, and commas, commas, commas. You've got tons of run-on sentences in here, where two or three different thoughts or actions are colliding into a mess because there's no separation. For example:
Too much going on here, with at least three disjointed ideas packed into a single run-on sentence. Break these up, like so:
It was just another Saturday morning in Ponyville. The sun had just dawned, and ponies were starting to come out of their houses and take on the day.
Um... these are kind of out of place, don't you think? Ponies don't swear "oh, God!" in the show; they swear by Celestia, or use ponified oaths like "horsefeathers", "oh, hay!", etc.
Aside from those, pretty much what the previous commenters have said. It's a cute idea, but really feels rushed. Hardly any time is spent setting up the situation, and the whole thing reads "Sweetie did this, Rarity did that, Sweetie did this, then she did this, then this other thing happened" without really ever delving into the details of what happened. It comes off being more like a quick outline of a story, rather than a fully fleshed-out piece. Slow down the action some, take the time to add some details and character bits to give the reader a clearer idea of the scene and make the characters more like "real" people (ponies) who are taking the initiative to act on their own behalf, instead of cardboard cutouts being pushed around at the whims of the story.
The second part of that sentence is unnecessary, and just diminishes the dramatic impact of the first part. Of course she intends to succeed in her plan! Don't over-explain things.
This may seem to contradict the advice I just gave a moment ago, but what I mean is, be careful of explicitly spelling out those things which are already so obvious to the reader that it becomes redundant. If this was coming much later into a story in which Sweetie had tried and failed at several different plans prior to this one, then you could bring this in as a way of showing her determination to succeed this time. But right at the beginning of the story, it's obvious to the reader that she intends to succeed; the main character of a story never starts out intending to fail!
I like it well enough. It's a little on the short side, but it's keeping my interest.