Pinkie Pie, Part 1
My name, is Darth P. Flame. I am a red earth stallion, whose mane and tail is literally on fire. How you ask? Well, it's definitely not genetic. Anyway, I have studied in the therapeutic field for a long time, and after much research, I have decided to begin my own therapy business in Ponyville. Mostly because of all of the chaos that I heard this town went through a couple of years ago. To receive my services, it's a one time payment of 10 bits, and then I work with the pony until they're cured of what ever mental thing they may be facing.
My work place is just an old, boarded up, probably should be torn down, building. According to the locals here, this use to be the town library. But, that still doesn't explain why it was built in a tree. The original owner moved out of it four years ago. I tried to fix this place up a bit, but it's near impossible. So, I just grabbed my coffee, and opened up for the first time.
Not even ten minutes after opening up for the day, I hear a knock on the door.
"Uh hello? Is Mr. New Therapeutist here?"
"Yes I am. Why don..." I didn't even get to finish my sentence before a pink-blur rushed into the chair I had set-up for patients.
"Hiya! I'm Pinkie Pie!"
"Oh, hello Ms.Pie. You threw me that "Welcome to Ponyville" party, right?"
"You bet I did!"
"So, Ms.Pie,
"Ms.Pie is my mom, and it's suuuuuuuper boring to say. Just call me Pinkie Pie!"
"Okay then...So, Pinkie Pie, what brings you here today?"
"Weeeeell, I've been having this feeling, where I feel as if somepony or something is watching me. But, I keep telling myself "there's no way that could be possible." even though it could be possible and---"
I tried to focus on what she was saying, really, I was, but this is just ridiculous! I can't tell if this is just a mental illness she has, or if she's on drugs. I mean really, who talks this fast? Who has conversations with themselves?
I decided to cut her off before she got too off topic.
"Pinkie Pie, could you please tell me when you first developed this sense of..."being watched"?" I take a small sip of my coffee, after I finish talking. Coffee helps me stay sane and prevents me from strangling patients.
"It all started, when Twilight came to town."
"Twilight, as in THE Twilight? 4th princess of Equestria?
"Eeyup" It seemed like Pinkie was trying to mimic a fellow red stallion who lived in Ponyville.
----------------------------------------------------
In the distant past, when Twilight first came to town.
It was a normal day in Ponyville, and I was just taking my daily stroll, when I spotted a baby dragon and a new pony! So, I stopped right in front of the dragon and waited for the dragon to finish talking.
"Come on Twilight, try talking to some of the ponies around here. Maybe you'll make some friends!"
"Fine Spike, I'll try."
She then turned to me and began to talk.
"Uh, hi, I'm Twilight Sparkle."
AND THEN THAT'S WHEN I FELT IT. I just had this feeling that other-worldly beings were watching me! I had gasped at the feeling and fled. Once I did that, the feeling went away, until I saw Twilight again later on that day.
----------------------------------------------------
"So, you think aliens are watching you when you speak or go near Twilight?" At this point I was really interested in what she was describing. I mean really, who else thinks this besides that pony Lyra?
"Actually, I'm having the feeling right now." Just then, Pinkie starts to stare at a wall, the 4th wall of this building to be exact.
"THERE THEY ARE! THOSE ARE THE OTHER WORDLY-BEINGS!" I looked, and didn't see anything. I really began questioning the sanity of Pinkie Pie. To be honest though, I've been questioning it the whole time. But, this could mean that Pinkie Pie is suffering from hallucinations. If she is, than I can easily diagnose this problem of hers.
"Pinkie Pie, I think I know what you have, but I can't be to sure yet. Currently, I think you're having hallucinations, or you're suffering from the after-effect of an alien abduction."
"That last one sounds FUN!"
Only Pinkie Pie could think that being abducted by aliens is fun. I looked at the clock conveniently placed on the wall. It's lunch time!
"Okay Pinkie Pie, I think we've done enough for today. But, I want you to be back in my office tomorrow."
"Okie doki loki!"
----------------------------------------------------
A couple of minutes later
I walked around the streets of Ponyville, looking for a place to eat at. There wasn't much besides Sugarcube Corner and Bon Bon's waffle hut. I decided I'd go to Sugarcube Corner and get some muffins. Suddenly, a gray pegasus crashes into me.
"Whoops! I did it again!" the grey pegasus said.
"What do you....DEAR CELESTIA, YOUR EYES! WHAT HAPPENED TOO THEM!?!" One of her eyes were facing upward, while the other faced downward. Is that even natural?
"Oh these? I was born with them like this. Also, did you mention muffins?" the grey pegasus casually stated, forgetting that she had just crashed into somepony.
"Uh, yes I did, why do you ask?" Something tells me that she's about to tag along.
"Can I come with you!?! I love muffins!"
I totally called it. I let out a sigh and agree to her joining me for lunch. We walk and talk a bit and I learn that her name is...Derpy? Who names their kid Derpy? We eventually reach Sugarcube corner, but when we get there, I'm surprised at the sight of a familiar pink pony.
"Hiya Darth! What can I do for ya?"
"YOU WORK HERE PINKIE?!?" There goes my lunch break.
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I'm not going to lie, this story has an excellent premise. The thought of somebody coming to the mental/emotional/psychological aid of both our heroines (and their subsequent acquaintances) was enough to draw me in. This, however, leads me to another topic.
Your writing is fluid enough not to make me strain, but the pacing is quite fast. Overall, you could've drawn the opening chapter out quite a bit considering, of all ponies, Pinkie Pie was the first to volunteer as the psychiatric patient to Dr. Flame. This brings me to another premise: The good Doctor. Not to put you down, but the whole "My mane and tail are on fire" schtick is a little...dry. Really, you could've made the stallion any plain old Equestrian and I'd be fine.
So, in summary, work on: Plot, Pacing, Characters (in the aspect that they need not be as "Extravagant" as you depict).
Not bad.
God speed, friend.
2649286 Thanks for commenting. I do realize that this was quite rushed, so i'll make an effort to improve upon that next chapter. I also understand how having a stallion with fire for hair is a bit over the top. So, i'll try to work on everything you addressed, and I appreciate the feedback.
2649355 And I appreciate the appreciation!
Good luck with the story, I'll be sure to keep an eye on it.
Now, since I am uncapable of giving good critisism like tropical octave, I'll just point out what I liked in the story. Your story was good, but once you think about it I'd probably say the story does move a tad too fast,but it's great. As for mistakes the only one I could find was whos mane and tail were on fire, I think you meant whose. Great story
2649394 Thanks for pointing that out, I went back and fixed it. Also, glad you enjoyed it!
Nice but a bit too quick for a first chapter. And the whole Pinkie Pie thing, well let's just say you'd be better off having Pinkie Pie come in with some other sort of problem rather then the whole "she can break the fourth wall but no one knows this" premise.
2649819 Well, the only other thing I could think of was that she has a sugar addiction, but I didn't think that would be interesting. I could also do something regarding the pinkie sense or the puffy to flat hair. None the less though, I appreciate the feedback.
2649850 Well then if you can't really come up with anything original perhaps this could've worked better if the therapist started on Pinkie Pie because of the whole "Welcome to Ponyville Party".
2649881 The thing is, he isn't allowed to pick and choose patients. He has to let them come to him. Though, the party is the reason why everyone knows about his business, it wouldn't raise any red flags about her, and Darth can't just go up to a pony and say "You might have mental or emotional issues, come to my therapy business." Now, I could actually start to adress the whole "child labor on rock farm" thing, since Pinkie's trust in Dr.Darth has probably gone up.
Actually, replying to your comment just reminded me of that. So, I have a general idea of how I want to go with Pinkie's chapters now to make it more interesting.
"That this was quite rushed"? No, no, no, no, my dear. You don't make an excelent premise and then half-ass (am I racist against donkeys again) it. Sit on your
assdonkey, (I mean not yours as belonging to you but one you're friends with), and do the best you can. Because it still has a great potential.(Few tiny things: as a newcomer,
dudepony would not know about Lyra. And what wall in a room is fourth? We know that Pinkie breaks fourth wall, don't need to be so brutal about it, I guess. Putting on references to fanon and fandom is cool, but forgetting about being subtle makes it IMHO seem like treating readers like at least not paying attention10 bits... since 1 bit is a smallest coin, it would be like working for bottle caps, and not Fallout ones. I don't think any psychotherapist would work for less then a lot :D )
Looks like the initial boom has died down, buddy (where the most viewers come in to your first great story).
This story is off to a great start, but I have to agree with the others, pacing is just a bit too fast for my tastes. Also:
You changed verb tense. You can't do that, either pick past or present tense and stick with it. It may seem like nitpicking, but it's the little things that separate the good from the great. And I underlined a typo.
It's good so far, just a few little things like that here and there.
2652545 Yikes, I wasn't even aware of the tense changes. I'll try to fix that with the next chapter. I realized that writing these on a WiiU Gamepad is an awful idea too. I mean seriously, it took me a total of 8 hours to write 1000 words on it.
2652619
You... You've tried writing on the gamepad too?
...
HOW MUCH MORE ALIKE CAN WE BE BEFORE IT'S CONSIDERED CREEPY!?
2652638 I didn't think anyone else had tried doing that besides me!
Also, I have no idea where the line is drawn between coincidence and creepy at this point
.
2652660
I think it's somewhere between "You're actually my brother and we've both kept being bronies secret from one another"(coincidence) and "Stalker who's 'following' you in more ways than just on FimFiction."(creepy)
...
*checks behind back*
No one's there, it's all your imagination.
You still haven't fixed that "thise" typo around where the tense changes are.
2652686 I fixed that just 2 minutes ago actually. It should have saved to the story.
2652702
I see it now...
So, are you working on the next chapter now, or is it still in developing?
2652723 I'm typing it up as I type this comment actually. I'm shooting for about 3000 words, assuming I can come up with that much. The good news is, I thought of a lot of other things I can bring up with Pinkie, and of course Derpy has entered, so that will be something.