The Melancholy of Pinkie Pie, Chapter 2
The Melancholy of Pinkie Pie
by Kris Overstreet
a blending of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya by Nagaru Tanigawa
and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic developed by Lauren Faust
Chapter 2
The morning after the big announcement in the literature club room, Trixie Lulamoon met me at the classroom door.
“I hear you and Pinkamena Pie are starting a new school club,” she said without preamble. “That’s a good thing. Maybe she won’t be as stand-offish with the rest of us ponies now.”
“Hold on there a minute,” I said. “I’m only helping Pinkie start her club. I never said I was going to be a member.”
“Oh, really?” Trixie’s smile was a little bit disturbing, but I let it pass. Once you got past her single favorite subject (herself), Trixie could be quite pleasant and friendly. When the election for class president was held, nopony ran against her. This wasn’t the first time she’d expressed concern about Pinkie Pie.
Then Trixie gave me an even closer look and said, “I wonder if you can change her?”
“That implies there’s something wrong with her,” I snapped. Pinkie may be a bit of a pain, but I didn’t cotton to this other filly making insinuations about her when she wasn’t around.
“Oh, no, no,” Trixie shook her head. “On the contrary- Pinkamena is the greatest, most wonderful pony in the class, even the school! And that includes myself, so you know I mean it!” She shook her head again, this time regretfully. “It’s just a shame that she doesn’t share that wonder with the rest of the class. If only she was less of a maverick… chasing after things always just out of her reach…”
She froze, then muttered, “I’ve said too much,” and went to say hello to a couple of colts who had arrived before I did.
Tarnation! I wish people would just come out and say what they feel! Dancing around the subject with subtle hints and the like doesn’t get the job done!
Anyway, Pinkie Pie showed up to school as usual, but her mane was still in that impossible cotton-candy puff. Now, granted my own blonde mane is a bit on the long side, it takes a lot of work to keep it styled and neat, especially when my pappy’s hat has been riding on it all day. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how her hair got in that position in the first place, never mind how it could stay there all day despite gym class, lunch, and everything else.
But I’m getting off track. She didn’t say anything to me during classes, but the way she bounced in her chair almost constantly throughout the day made it impossible for me to study. I think she made it impossible for everypony else, too. The teacher would have thrown her out, I think, except that during math she actually caught an error he’d made and corrected it. I think that kind of broke his spirit.
But as soon as the school day ended, Pinkie was out the door like an arrow. As fast as she moved, you’d think she was a pegasus. I took my time heading over to the club room- after all, I didn’t really think of myself as a member. I was just keeping an eye on things because I had nothing better to do, right?
Yeah, even when I don’t know I’m lying to myself, I’m still no good at it at all.
Pinkie wasn’t there. Neither was Rainbow Dash, I noticed. Twilight Sparkle was still reading her book in the corner of the room, moving only to turn a page or push her glasses back up on her muzzle. Fluttershy was sitting by one of the tables. She had a board game box in her hooves- Colthello, I read on the side. “Hello, Applejack!” she said. “Would you like to play a game with me while we wait?”
Why not? I hadn’t played the game in a couple of years, but it would pass the time while we waited to see what had Pinkie so excited. We set up the game and were about midway through when the door slammed open and Pinkie Pie bounded in. A large stack of leaflets slapped itself down on the tabletop, followed by a couple of saddlebags.
“You would not BELIEVE how much trouble it was getting all these copies made!” Pinkie gasped. “Why are the teachers so uptight anyway? They can spare their lounge for a lousy five minutes. Grumpy-pusses.” For a moment the manic grin vanished, but it sprang right back again as Pinkie pulled a box out of one of the saddlebags. “Fluttershy, I’ve got the most WONDERFUL costume for you!” She looked around and said, “Where’s Rainbow Dash? She gets one too!”
“S-s-she can have mine,” Fluttershy said, scooting her chair back away from the eager pink pony. “But sh-she’s still on the track team. She said she c-c-can’t be here on days they have practice.”
“Oh darn,” Pinkie grumbled. “Well, at least I’ve still got you! Now hurry up and put on the costume!”
B-b-b-but I d-d-don’t want to w-w-wear a costume.” Fluttershy had pulled all four legs up onto herself and was peeking over her hooves in terror.
“Oh, come on!” Pinkie said. “It’s the cutest little bunny suit ever!”
“Bunnies?” Fluttershy relaxed at this, lowering her limbs and raising her head with a little hopeful smile. “I like bunnies.”
“Who doesn’t like bunnies?” Pinkie asked, opening the box and pulling out a skimpy little leotard with a bunny tail on the back. Still in the box were stockings and shoes for the rear legs, wrist cuffs for the forelegs, and a mane barette with large stiff bunny ears sticking out of them.
Fluttershy took one look at them and froze again. “Th-th-that’s not a b-b-b-bunny suit!” she whimpered.
What happened next I’m not going to describe in any detail, partly because I’m ashamed Pinkie Pie put her through it, but mostly because I’m ashamed I didn’t stop it. I just couldn’t believe Pinkie, or anypony, would do it with other ponies standing right there, even if we were all mares. Long story short, after a couple minutes of shrieking protest Fluttershy was sitting in the chair again, her school uniform on the floor, wearing the bunny suit and sniffling back her tears.
Pinkie wasn’t going to let her stay that way. “Oh, come on!” she said, grabbing a hoof and pulling her off the chair and over to a mirror she’d stashed in the room at some point. “You look simply adorable like this! See?”
I had to admit she had a point. Even as Fluttershy’s weeping stopped and she began to smile at her reflection, I was appreciating how cute she looked with bunny ears and a tail. And yes, the leotard was a perfect fit- which was more than could be said for the one Pinkie was pulling on, which had been made for a slightly smaller pony. Still, the empty wing holes on Pinkie’s outfit stretched a bit, which helped some with the fit.
“Okay, all set!” Pinkie said, stashing the flyers back in her saddlebags. “Let’s go out there and tell everypony about the SOP Brigade!”
“eep!”Fluttershy froze again, curling up into a ball and toppling over onto her side in terror.
“Out? Now wait just a minute!” I’d had enough of this, and my shock had worn off. “It’s bad enough you stuff a filly into a costume against her will- but I’m not letting either one of you two go out there and embarrass yourselves in front of everypony!” I pointed to the parts of the leotards by the tails. “Why, I can see your whole cutie marks through that fish-net!” Which I could- the butterflies on Fluttershy’s flanks, the balloons on Pinkie Pie’s.
“I KNOW!” Pinkie said, enthusiasm diminished not one little bit. “Isn’t it COOL?”
“Pinkie… darling…. You do realize that every single colt in this school is going to be staring at your flanks?”
“Yeah. Why not?” Pinkie asked. “Really, Applejack, you’re just like all the other ponies with your hang-ups about anything that might lead to- GASP!- sex!” The faces she made in that sentence you’ll just have to imagine for yourselves. All I can say is, they were something to see. “Sex is just another fun thing ponies can do with each other, that’s all! So let ‘em look!”
Now, I’d been taught a lot of things about what mares and stallions did with one another in private, but despite the very heavy importance I put on those last two words- in private- I couldn’t actually point out where Pinkie was wrong. In an ideal world, yes, it really would be that simple, but this world wasn’t that world no matter how much Pinkie thought it ought to be.
“Besides,” Pinkie finished, “it doesn’t show any more leg than our athletic shorts!”
The leg ain’t what I’m concerned about!!
“Um… all right, supposing I agree with that,” I said lamely. “But why Fluttershy? You saw how she was just in here, right? Why didn’t you pick on somepony who doesn’t mind being seen so much- like Twilight Sparkle, or me?”
“Because Fluttershy’s the CUTEST!” She dragged Fluttershy’s face up next to hers and grinned. “She has the special cuteness factor which will make the whole WORLD want to be a part of the SOP Brigade! Besides, I would have got enough costumes for everypony, but I only had enough for two. Oh well! Next time we do this, I’ll make sure you have one too!”
“I didn’t say I wanted one!”
“Anyway, we’ve gotta go! If we don’t hurry we’ll miss the main go-home-early crowd! Later!” Somehow Pinkie Pie got the rigid Fluttershy and the saddlebag full of flyers out the door, slamming it behind her. A couple of loose flyers fell on the floor behind her. One of them read:
A PROCLAMATION OF THE SOP BRIGADE CREED!
SOP: Saving the World by Overloading It with Fun with Pinkie Pie
The SOP Brigade is currently seeking out the lost mysteries and fun of the universe!
• Anypony who has experienced a mysterious event
• Anypony who has a mystery they want solved
• Anypony wondering where all the fun has gone from the world
Please contact us ASAPPP!
Brigade Leader: Pinkamena Diane Pie
Brigade Members: Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy Posey, Rainbow Dash
(For more information contact Applejack at….)
Of all the consarn dad-blamed cheek! Pinkie had actually put down my contact information instead of her own! What was she thinking?
(And how come I was only mentioned in parentheses? And why did that make me madder than the other thing?)
A chair scooted behind me. I’d completely forgotten that Twilight Sparkle was still in the room. I heard her hoofsteps as she walked over to me, her book in her mouth. She set it on the table and stood in front of me, watching me, unmoving, just staring through those glasses of hers.
Boy, was that uncomfortable.
“Um… so, um, I guess you’re done with your book?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. Aside from a slight jaw movement, she didn’t move. She stayed that way for fifteen long, awkward, creepy seconds before adding, “I will lend it to you.”
“Um, I’m not that much into books, Twilight,” I said.
“Read it.” Those eyes never moved.
All right, I’ll take the book home with me, if she’ll just blink or something, I thought. Maybe I’ll read it and maybe I won’t. I put the book in one of my saddlebags and had just finished doing that when I heard the shouting below.
Pinkie hadn’t wasted any time, and she wasn’t giving it the soft sell, either. She was waving a large SOP BRIGADE sign in one forehoof while dancing and giving out flyers with the other hoof. Whenever some pony walking by tried to ignore the bunny-ponies, Pinkie shouted at them and practically blocked the school gates until the victim accepted a flyer. I noticed that, though Fluttershy was silent, cringing, and unable to meet anypony else’s eyes, she was actually giving away more flyers than Pinkie.
Maybe there was something to the cuteness factor Pinkie mentioned after all.
Then I saw two teachers galloping over to the gates where Pinkie and Fluttershy were standing. I pulled my head back from the window. I knew what was about to happen, and I didn’t want to watch.
Five minutes later Pinkie and Fluttershy were back in the room. Pinkie’s hair was straight and flat again as she slumped in a chair, still in her bunny costume. “Stupid faculty meanies,” she muttered. “I didn’t even give away half the flyers. Why can’t students wear bunny suits in school? It’d be a lot more fun this way! And it’s so much less hot and stuffy than the full uniforms!”
“I tried to warn you,” I began.
“I don’t want to hear it!” Pinkie snapped. “I’m not going to let some stuck-up teachers and principals and school boards and national legislatures stop me from making the SOP Brigade the most exciting and fun thing in the world!” She grabbed her saddlebag strap in her teeth, ran over to the window, threw it open, and scattered the leftover flyers into the air. A gust of wind blew by just then and sent the pieces of paper flying every which way, littering the school courtyard almost end to end. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them ended up on the school roof.
Each and every one of them, of course, had my name and address for contact information.
“SOP Brigade activities begin tomorrow!” Pinkie snapped. “Come straight here after classes! Don’t be late!”
I didn’t really pay any mind to Pinkie, or to her and Fluttershy changing clothes again. My mind was on how I was the pony who could expect a visit from the school to my folks. Apple Bloom in particular would be so disappointed in her big sis.
Or worse, she might get ideas…
But nothing happened.
There was no visit, no letter, nothing. I never got called to the office to explain myself. And, best of all, I never got a single inquiry from those flyers. It looked like the school and everypony in the school (with five exceptions) had decided to pretend the whole bunny girl flyer thing never happened.
Suits me fine.
Rainbow Dash dropped by our class during a break period to cheer Pinkie up. Not that Pinkie needed it- her hair was back in that poofy look when she came in that morning, and though she wasn’t as hyperactive as the day before, she was still bright-eyed and eager. Dash only made her even more so.
“I am SO glad I had a camera in my gym kit!” she said. “You and Fluttershy looked so ADORABLE! Any colt who got a picture would hang it on his bedroom wall!”
Darn it. That kind of encouragement is not what Pinkie needs. I got up and walked to the other side of the room where I couldn’t listen to the mutual feedback loop building between the blue pegasus and the pink pony. Before I knew it, that put me next to Trixie, who smiled at me in her most winning way.
“See, I knew you would be a good influence on Pinkamena,” she said. “Already she’s making new friends among the upperclassmen. You know that’s very hard to do, right?”
Making friends isn’t what I’d call it. How about ‘shanghai-ing friends’?
“I’m looking forward to seeing what other wonders you can conjure, Applejack,” Trixie added. “The Great and Wonderful Trixie is counting on you!” With that she turned her attention to a couple of fillies whose seats were on the hallway side of the classroom, away from where Pinkie and I sat by the windows.
Well, that took the cake, didn’t it? Well, at least Trixie wasn’t taking me for granted, unlike some other ponies I could think about at that moment.
“Okay, listen up, brigade!”
All of us, including Rainbow Dash, were in the club room. Pinkie had found a small teacher’s desk and chair and was seated just in front of the club room window. A little plaque stood by her left hoof: BRIGADE COMMANDER, it said.
Fluttershy, to my surprise, had changed into the bunny suit as soon as she arrived. “It really is cute and comfortable,” she told me. “I just feel a little bit better when I’m wearing it. I just don’t like too many ponies staring at me while I’m wearing it…”
But that was before Pinkie S. Patton came in and began laying out the plans. “The purpose of the SOP brigade is to seek out mysteries and fun! So we’re going to begin with a thorough patrol of the school! After yesterday’s announcement there should be all sorts of ponies with mysteries to explore or fun to share! So let’s get out there and find it!
“Rainbow Dash! You take the hoofball field and track!”
“Yes, ma’am!”
“Fluttershy, you take the rest of the school courtyard!” When the yellow pegasus cringed, Pinkie softened her tone a bit. “Focus on the flower beds and hedges for today. If there was anything to be discovered by the main walkways, we would have seen it yesterday.” This relieved Fluttershy a bit, but it didn’t relieve me at all. People were still going to see her in that outfit, even if it was from a bit further away.
“Twilight, you patrol the main building. I’ll patrol this one. And Applejack, you take the perimeter. Five circuits of the grounds should do it!”
Five circuits? With the two buildings, the band hall, the sports complex, the groundskeeper’s shed, the facilities building, and the walls and hedges that encircled the whole thing, one whole circuit of the schoolgrounds was almost as long as the walk from the school down to the train station. FIVE of those?? Well, I thought, look at the bright side- you’re getting your exercise.
“I’ve got a question, ma’am,” Rainbow Dash said, raising her hoof. “How will we know if we’ve found mystery or fun?”
“That’s simple, silly!” Pinkie replied. “Anything mysterious is by definition fun! If mysterious, then fun! Simple logic!”
Twilight nodded her head in agreement, just once, just barely.
“Anything else? Then let’s move ‘em out! And hey,” she stared seriously at us, “let’s be careful out there.”
Of course we didn’t find anything, unless you count rescuing a rigid Fluttershy from a group of colts all trying to chat her up at once “finding something.”
This failure annoyed Pinkie, but not enough to take the poof out of her hair. Instead she went quiet, sitting in her brigade chief chair, staring out the window, balancing and juggling a pencil on her nose. After a few minutes Rainbow Dash ducked out to catch the rest of track practice while Fluttershy and I started over on our game of Othello. Twilight Sparkle had head in a new book: Super Best Friends, I think it was named.
Just as I placed the last piece on the board to complete my victory- Fluttershy really wasn’t very good at the game- Pinkie Pie stood up. “Well, there’s nothing more to be done today. I should have something thought up by tomorrow, though! Brigade dismissed!” Without waiting for the rest of us, she bounced out the door, slamming it shut behind her as always. Couldn’t the filly close a door quietly?
While Fluttershy was changing clothes again, Twilight walked over to me. “Have you read that book yet?” she asked me.
I hadn’t. It had gone on my nightstand when I’d got home, and that’s where it still was, untouched.
“Read it tonight,” she said, and that monotone seemed to have a bit of emphasis for the first time I could recall. This time she didn’t stand and stare at me. Having said her piece, she walked past me and on out the door, as if I hadn’t been there at all.
Weird. Really, really weird. Hey, Pinkie Pie, if you want mysteries, why not begin with the one in the club room you hijacked?
Not that I’d ever say that to her out loud, of course.
Apple Bloom was a bit upset with me that I was spending so much time after school these days instead of coming straight home like I used to. She demanded some play time, and so we roughhoused around the yard for a while until it was time to go in, wash up, and eat supper. That ate up all the remaining sunlight, and it was getting a bit on the late side when I went to my room, lay down on the futon, and opened up the book Twilight had loaned me.
A bookmark slipped out from the pages. I looked at it and read:
7 P. M. – I’ll be waiting for you in Buckaroo Park across from the train station.
I looked at the clock. It was already 7:35.
Why did I gallop out the doors as soon as I realized? How could I be late for an appointment I didn’t make? I didn’t know then and I don’t really know now, except that for some reason it just felt important that I get there, even late. That, and I felt guilty; I should have opened that book the day before, so I was at least twenty-four and one-half hours late to meet Twilight, or whoever.
By the time I got to Buckaroo Park it was already after eight o’clock, but there sat Twilight under a street light, reading another book. She looked up at me when I walked up, but didn’t say anything.
“Um… sorry I’m late,” I said. “But you should have just told me you wanted to meet me.”
“Pinkamena Pie cannot know we are meeting,” Twilight said. “What I must tell you cannot be talked about at school. Follow me.” She stood up, putting her book in a saddlebag.
“Where are we going?”
“To my house.” She pointed to a condo high-rise about a quarter mile off.
How about that? This really was getting stranger by the minute. Here we are, alone, in a park at night, and it’s not secret enough for Twilight Sparkle? It had been quite some time since a filly had invited me to visit her home, too, and those were people in the neighborhood, not two train stations away. What was going on?
As we walked, I repeated, “I really am sorry I was late.”
“It’s not a problem,” Twilight said in her monotone. “I have waited.”
“But I was a whole day late, wasn’t I?” I pressed.
“I have waited.”
“So you were here, last night?” I asked. “How long?”
“I have waited.”
If that was the only answer I was going to get out of her, I could guess what she really meant. My mind pictured Twilight, expressionless as ever, patiently reading her book as the station clock struck midnight, ignoring the boozers coming home from the bars in the shopping district.
Whether or not I’d known about this meeting, I owed her big-time for that.
The closer we got to the condo building, the more expensive it looked. It was obviously new, or new-ish- not more than ten years old, with the sides still bright and shiny, none of the exterior lamps burned out or missing. The rest of the neighborhood was similarly upscale; the place was for people who made a lot more money than my family. If Twilight had this kind of cash, why was she going to such a second-rate public high school like North?
That bit of curiosity got replaced with something more concrete when we stepped into the building elevator. “Um, I hope your parents don’t mind me visiting.”
“I live alone,” Twilight said simply.
“Oh? So, they’re away on business, then?”
“I have always been alone.”
What? Now that didn’t make any sense at all. All ponies have a sire and a dam- well, at least in theory. There are such things as orphans. But orphans definitely don’t live in a top-bit condominium!
When Twilight let me into her home, things were even stranger. The walls were bare. The only furniture in the living room was a single sitting-table and a couple of cushions for sitting on. The place looked like it was open to be rented out- not at all like someone actually lived in it.
“I will make tea,” Twilight said, and she disappeared into the kitchen. For several minutes I sat and waited, trying to figure out what was going on. By the time Twilight returned carrying a tea-tray in her teeth, the only thing I had figured out was that I really, really needed a drink of tea.
Funny thing: Twilight hadn’t made a cup for herself. Nor had she brought the teapot. She’d only made one cupful, and she set it down in front of me before staring at me. After several seconds she said, “Drink.”
I picked up the tea, still nice and warm. “Thanks,” I said, taking a sip. It was a little better than I make for myself- I’m more of a coffee person anyway, but I do pies and tarts much better than tea. Still, I’d had lots better. “So, you wanted to talk to me?”
Now I caught a hint of something in Twilight’s posture- just barely a hint. She seemed to hesitate, as if she wasn’t quite certain of what to say next. “This concerns… Pinkamena Pie… and me,” she said at length. “I will… tell you… about it.”
Then Twilight seemed to gather herself, and a long almost-monotone stream of speech came out of her. The tones of her voice just barely rose and fell enough to be hypnotic, and I surely would have passed out asleep if what she said hadn’t been so outlandish. As best as I can recall it, this is how it went:
“Translation errors in the adaptation between worlds prevent a perfectly accurate communication of data. But I will try to make it clear. Pinkamena Pie and myself are not ordinary ponies. I do not mean in the sense that we lack social adaptations shared by most ponies. In the simplest sense, I will say that she and I are fundamentally different from the vast majority of ponies you know.
“An equine interface meant for contact with organic life forms, created by the Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn that oversees this dimension; that is what I am.
“For as long as this world has existed, at least since the Big Bang, the Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn has existed. Composed of the magic that underlies the physical laws you know as science, she has grown as the universe has grown, become more complex and more knowledgable as the universe has developed in complexity. She possesses no physical form and exists as nothing but thought and power on a scale no organic mind may safely comprehend.
“But despite this power the Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn feels dissatisfied. She is convinced that this world, the world you know, is not meant to be this way. Yet she cannot find the cause or difference that would allow for the error to be corrected. Therefore she seeks for some new factor, something outside herself, which would allow her to transcend her limitations and correct the error in the universe.
“For this reason, for the past fifty thousand years, she has observed the species Equus sapiens. Many species of organic life, even on your one planet, have developed intelligence, but only ponies have developed wisdom, which is to say the ability to accumulate and transmit data from one individual to another in a coherent fashion. Further, the Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn believes it possible that the species is on the verge of generating new data beyond that known to her.
“Then came an event, roughly three years ago, in which a flood of previously unobserved data and magic erupted from this planet. The Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn traced this to a single source. You know her as Pinkamena Diane Pie.
“Pinkamena Pie alters her environment at random intervals. To the best of our observation she is completely unaware that she is doing this. No consistent trend line or predictable factor can be found to predict either the eruption of new data or the consequences. The Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn has therefore determined to observe Pinkamena Pie at close range to gather more date. This is my purpose and has been since I was translated into this reality three years ago.
“For most of that period the situation has remained relatively stable. There have been no large-scale eruptions of data since the first, though smaller eruptions have occurred at irregular intervals. No irregular factors have crept into the situation as observed… until recently. A new irregular factor has crept into the situation and destabilized it.
“That would be you.”
Twilight paused at this point, and I waved a hoof for her to stop. My head was spinning with all of this malarkey, and I needed a break. Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn? Magic hadn’t been taken seriously since science proved that pegasus flight wasn’t a violation of physical laws. And alicorns were the stuff of myth, or at least religion. And what was all this about Pinkie Pie and data and stuff?
I tried to find some thread in all the science fiction babble I could hold on to. “Wait, wait. So you’re telling me you’re not from this planet?”
“Yes.”
“And that you’re only three years old?”
“Your language does not possess the concepts for an accurate answer. I did not exist in this universe prior to my translation. However, I did exist elsewhere. I continue to exist elsewhere now. And I will continue to exist even after my functions in this universe cease.”
Now that really did sound like a bunch of religious mumbo-jumbo.
“And… and you’re here simply to watch Pinkie Pie and see what she does? Because your boss, this Magically Delicious Alicorn thingy-“
“Her name is Celestia.”
For the first time I head a touch of emotion in Twilight Sparkle’s voice. Her stare looked slightly different as well; she was quite definitely glaring at me through her glasses.
“Um… I’m sorry. I don’t mean to insult her. Or you, either. It’s just, well… I simply can’t believe a darn thing you’ve just told me. It’s too wild. I’m very sorry.” I gulped down the rest of my tea at one go and set the glass down. “Thanks for the tea,” I said, and got up to go.
“I have not finished talking.”
“Tell it to Pinkie Pie. I bet she’d flip over you. But right now I can’t cope with it. I’m very sorry.”
“Please believe me.” Twilight’s eyes, back to their neutral stare, followed me out of the room.
I was in a daze as I stumbled out of Twilight’s condo, into the elevator, into the lobby and out onto the street. I thought my cousins from far off had some whoppers to tell, but the tall tale I’d just sat through took the cake, the pie, the pie plate, the serving knife, the gravy boat, the matched china set, and the whole buffet.
An all-powerful, all-knowing being made out of information and magic- that alone was too much to swallow. That this being had “interfaces” it created so it could communicate with us lowly Earthlings, and that Twilight Sparkle was one of these- that was just another layer of cake. That her sole purpose for existence was to watch Pinkie Pie- Golly Moses, how wide could one pony’s jaw go? How could ANY pony swallow all that?
And yet I knew- I just knew- that Twilight had believed every single word she said. She only hesitated when stuck for words. She really believed all of it- and more besides, apparently.
Well, fine, I thought as I lay in bed waiting for sleep, she can believe whatever she wants. Doesn’t mean it’s true. And even if it was… why tell me? I’m surely no alien or magical thing or whatever Pinkie Pie is. I’m just an ordinary mare going to an ordinary school, destined for an ordinary life.
And that’s what I slept on. Which is to say, I didn’t sleep well at all that night.
When I went to my locker to get my school slippers in the morning, I found an envelope lying on top of the slippers.
Looking around to make sure Pinkie wasn’t in sight, I opened the envelope and read it. The hoofwriting was different from Twilight’s; the purple unicorn had a long, flourishy stroke to her letters, while this one was rounded and, dare I say it, cutesy.
Please meet me in the 1-6 classroom at 5:30 P.M. *heart*
Probably not Twilight, then. In any case I couldn’t spare enough brains to take another go at talking with her. Pinkie Pie? Very possibly, except why would she leave an anonymous note? Pinkie never did anything anonymously. Rainbow Dash? Fluttershy? Someone else in my class? Who could guess?
I guess I’ll find out at 5:30, I thought, and put on my slippers and went to class.
General Pinkie was wearing her gym clothes by the time we all got to the club room. She pushed several maps over the table at us, gesturing at us to pick them up. “This time I’ve plotted out a precise patrol route for each of you,” she said. “I want you to go over it five times! Furthermore, we’re switching patrols. Today I’m taking the track and field!”
“Awww,” Rainbow Dash moaned.
“Rainbow Dash, you’ll take the school perimeter. And don’t make it a race- I’ll be watching!”
“Awwwwwww.” The moan was more heartfelt that time.
“Fluttershy, you’ll patrol the club rooms and band hall. Applejack, you’ll take the main building. Twilight, you’ll patrol the courtyard and hedges. Everyone will report findings to me tomorrow at lunch! Got that?”
Everyone had that, eyup.
“Then go out there and have fun for the Gipper!”
I didn’t complain about the patrols for one reason: thanks to Pinkie’s detailed and demanding route map, I figured my fifth and final round would take me past my classroom at just about 5:30, right on time to meet… well, whoever. Also, I might actually spot this whoever as he or she entered the room, which would let me decide whether or not to meet them or just bail.
Nothing much went on in the main school building, except for the auditorium where the drama club held rehearsals for their current project. With classes over for the day the place was a little bit creepy, to tell you the truth. My hooves sped up on their own, as anxious as I was to be done with this whole mess. One circuit, two circuits, three, four sped by, but not fast enough.
Then the final patrol, and my hooves took me through each classroom one at a time. Even the students on cleaning duty had left by this time, so I was alone in the building… or so I thought.
When I looked through the door into Classroom 1-6, there was another pony waiting for me. “Hello, Applejack,” she said. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
It was Trixie Lulamoon.
I thought back to the last patrol. For most of the fourth patrol I knew I hadn’t heard any hoofbeats except my own. Granted it was a large building, it was so quiet I should have heard someone else. I should certainly have heard Trixie, since she hadn’t been in the classroom on the fourth pass through, and I never saw nor heard her pass through the hallways at any point before now.
But here was the unicorn herself, looking at me with an almost wistful look in her eyes. “You know, you ponies have a saying that it’s better to regret having done something than to regret having done nothing. What do you think of that?”
My mind still hadn’t quite recovered from Twilight Sparkle. “It depends,” I said cautiously. “Some of the things a body regrets most are things done rather than not done.”
“Maybe I don’t have the concept down, then,” Trixie shrugged. “Let me put it another way: if you were stuck in a bad situation and nothing was getting better as time went on, wouldn’t it be better to make a change- any change- if there was even the slightest possibility of things getting better?”
This sort of talk was mighty strange, and even more disturbing. “Trixie, honey, is there something wrong?” I asked. “I’d be glad to do anything I could to help.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful! Almost as wonderful as me!” Trixie sighed. “You know, my superiors are so restrictive, so timid. Especially that Twilight Sparkle, she’s such a killjoy.”
Pardon? I don’t think I caught that quite right.
“That’s why I’m going to banish you from this world and see how Pinkamena Pie responds.”
That I caught. I just didn’t believe it.
“Now hold on a minute there, missy-“
Trixie’s horn glowed, and she pointed it right at me. I dodged out of the way just as a beam of light passed my head, warming the hairs on my cheek.
I had never seen anything of the sort before in my life, and I knew right that second I never wanted to see it again.
“What the HAY? What was THAT for??”
“Your data reception truly is inferior,” Trixie said, giggling briefly. “I said I’m going to banish you from this dimension. Once you’re gone, I predict Pinkamena Pie will unleash a data and magic eruption of titanic proportions, and my mistress Luna will finally achieve the breakthrough we’ve been searching for.” She shook her head gently. “It was so unjust for Celestia to override her. She should never have accepted the decision, even if Cadenza sided with the majority.”
I stumbled towards the door. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I knew stone cold certain that I was facing a pony gone loco, and I needed to get the buck out of there.
“Oh, calm down,” Trixie said, not bothering to chase me. “You’re not going to die. I estimate only four percent of your data will be lost in interdimensional translation. That’s better than poor Twilight Sparkle. She gave up so much for the privilege of serving Celestia. It almost makes me feel sorry for her… but not quite.” She turned her back on me as I reached the door and added, “Besides, that won’t do you any good.”
My hoof grabbed the knob, and I pulled the door open.
I was facing back into the classroom, and Trixie was standing there, facing me. I could see my own back across the room.
Then there was a blur, the door shut behind me, and the classroom was as it was before.
“You can’t escape,” Trixie said. “All data within this space is under my sole jurisdiction. You wouldn’t believe how hard that was to achieve without tipping off my superiors. But now they can’t stop me. It’s just you and me, Applejack… and in a few moments it’ll just be me.” Her horn began glowing again, and she lowered it at me.
There was a desk next to me. I turned around, raised both hind hooves, and bucked it like there was no tomorrow- which, I suspected, there wouldn’t be. The desk remained true to Newtack’s laws of motion, flying into the air directly towards Trixie… and got blasted into oblivion by the beam from her horn.
“Oh, so you want to play?” Trixie smiled. “Let me show you what it means to face the full, unfettered might of the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!”
Her horn glowed again, but this time she raised her head up as tongues of lightning flashed across the classroom. Each one touched a desk or chair; each piece of furniture touched rose slowly into the air.
And every last one of them came flying at me.
Looking back on it, I realize now that Trixie really was just playing with me. She hadn’t had to look at any of the desks to hit them with that… spell, I guess I have to call it. She could have done the same to me at any time. She could also have guided the flying desks towards me no matter what I did. She didn’t do either of those things. She just raise the desks and flung them at me in a brief storm of metal and wood, which allowed me to run, dodge and duck. In a few second all the desks were back on the floor, most smashed to bits, and I only had one bruise from a glancing blow.
“Why are you DOING all this?” I gasped, staring at the unicorn whose eyes now glowed with unearthly power.
“Didn’t Twilight Sparkle tell you anything??” she shouted back at me. “Or maybe your organic brain was too puny to absorb it? The Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn detected an infinite surge of both data and magic from this planet three years ago! Your species can only generate finite and steady amounts of data, and practically no magic at all! Do you realize how extraordinary that is?”
No, I just realized this crazy pony was trying to kill me!
“And the source of this flood of data and magic was Pinkamena Pie!
“Don’t you get it? Pinkamena Pie has the ability to alter the data around her, just as I have altered the data in this classroom!” Trixie stamped a forehoof. Sparks flew, and the desks splattered against the walls like paint and vanished. “But where I have to prepare in advance and concentrate to make it happen, Pinkamena does it automatically. Thoughtlessly. She doesn’t even know she can do it!!!”
Trixie slowly stepped towards me as she ranted, her horn glowing brighter than ever, sparks of blue lightning dancing all around her. “Pinkamena Pie holds within her the secret of autoevolution- the possibility that the Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn can rewrite the universe, and therefore herself, to put right whatever’s wrong with this place!”
My rump hit the corner of the classroom. Trixie literally had me backed up against the wall. Her glowing horn lowered itself towards me.
“But for that secret to be unlocked, you have to go bye-bye now. Trixie is so VERY sorry about this.” She didn’t stop smiling as she said it. Come to think of it, I don’t think she’d lost that smile the entire time she’d been ranting.
I considered my options. I had nothing to throw at her. My rear hooves were up against the wall. I couldn’t run without going right through Trixie. Even if I got past her, I couldn’t get out of the room. The doors and windows, I noticed, had vanished completely, leaving blank walls.
Yep, my number sure was up.
And that’s when the ceiling caved in.
Trixie’s horn went out briefly as she coughed and choked. Bits of something- they looked more like shards of outer space than ceiling tile or beams- were whisked out of the way by a purple glow.
And then, there in front of me, glowing from unicorn horn tip to fetlock, from muzzle to tail, stood Twilight Sparkle.
“Your spells are too weak,” Twilight said in that same monotone from the previous night. “There are errors in your seal subroutines, and your data masking has numerous leaks. That is why I was able to detect you and why I was permitted to enter.”
Something crunched under Twilight’s forehoof. Underneath it, the floor seemed to crack and shatter. I could see stars through the cracks.
“You are intended to be my backup,” Twilight continued. “Independent action is not permitted. You are to restore this space at once and leave this pony alone.”
Trixie had recovered, and her horn began glowing again. “And if I refuse?” she challenged.
Twilight’s face betrayed no emotion whatever. “Then I shall abolish your data link,” she said.
“Go ahead and try it,” Trixie snarled. The magic beam snapped out from her horn like a whip, tearing up the floor of the classroom like a child snapping a towel. A growing wave of tile rushed towards Twilight and me, sending both of us flying into the air, much higher and slower than should have been possible in a normal classroom. The floor burst into fragments beneath us.
More blue beams of light lanced out from Trixie’s horn, curving around Twilight and aiming right for me. These were slower than before, but that slowness made them look even more dangerous- like their impact was inevitable. Then a wall of purple light surrounded me, and the blue light smashed into it… except for some beams that hit Twilight Sparkle.
The purple unicorn’s body spasmed with pain, but she didn’t make a sound. Instead she looked directly at me through her magic wall and said, ever quiet, ever calm, “Stay behind me.”
More beams of blue lightning streaked around us, hitting the bubble I was in at first, then focusing their fury on Twilight. “Don’t you understand?” Trixie shouted. “That pony was chosen by Pinkamena Pie! If she disappears, she won’t be able to ignore her own abilities any longer! We’ll be at ground zero for an unprecedented burst of magic and data! The potential is incalculable!” The storm of magic intensified. “I can’t allow you to stop me! I CAN’T!”
Twilight Sparkle’s body danced and jerked under the barrage of magic bolts. The bubble around me flickered, then vanished, and I dropped to… not the floor, because there was no floor, or wall, or ceiling- just a vast firmament, glowing with stars and nebulae right out of an astronomy magazine.
“I’d hoped you’d change Pinkamena Pie,” Trixie said wistfully, “but it wasn’t enough after all. Goodbye, Applejack. If enough of you makes it to the next dimension, tell my Luna that I did it for her!”
The storm of lightning stopped, dropping Twilight to the same unseen surface I stood on. She wobbled to her hooves, saying, “If this pony is the key to Pinkamena Pie… then it is my duty to protect this pony.”
And then she bucked me. Hard.
Not as hard as I buck, but those two rear hooves in my chest were plenty solid enough to send me flying through wherever we were. I’d just barely come down when she launched herself into the air in front of another storm of Trixie’s blue lightning, absorbing every shock, shaking like a rag doll in the teeth of a careless little yearling.
The storm stopped again, and Twilight fell down again, landing limply on… whatever. I ran up to her, trying to lift her up with one forehoof. Nasty burns ran up and down her body. Her glasses had been shattered, and one eye was shut, blood leaking from the eyelids. One hind limb was missing entirely- not cut off, just sort of… not there anymore, as if somepony had taken an eraser and just rubbed it out of existence.
Slowly Twilight raised her head to look at Trixie.
“I win,” she said.
The glow of Trixie’s horn winked out, and the other unicorn screamed.
“You are very good,” Twilight said, her voice just as steady as when she spoke in her condo the night before. “That’s why it took me so long to create a counterprogram to lower your defenses. I was unable to retaliate or even maintain magical defense of this pony while I was working.
“But it’s over now.”
As my eyes adjusted to the lack of magical light flashing all over the place, I could see Trixie’s stunned face, with that smile permanently glued on her muzzle. Her horn had been erased, just as Twilight’s leg had been, just a little it above its base.
“Aww,” she pouted, “must I lose in this universe, too? Why can’t I defeat you just once, Twilight Sparkle? Is it too much to ask that the Great and Powerful Trixie win just one of our battles?”
I heard a sound like sand in an hourglass, only much louder. Trixie’s body was slowly crumbling away, the dust-sized specks of her blowing away in a wind I couldn’t feel. Strangely, she didn’t seem all that bothered by that. “Congratulations, Applejack. I lose. You get to remain in this world a little longer.”
She stared directly at me, the last of her limbs vanishing into dust and blowing away. “But don’t get too comfortable. The Integrated Magic Thought Alicorn is not a single entity. It is a mass consciousness with many voices. Mine is not the only radical voice among them. Twilight Sparkle’s mentor is ascendant among them for today, but even she might turn against you someday.”
All that remained now was Trixie’s head, and for a brief moment the wind blew the dust up to form a witch’s hat and a tall collar around her.
“Until that day, have all the fun you can with Pinkamena Pie. Bye now!”
The last of the dust blew away, and Trixie Lulamoon was gone.
Twilight fell forward, her head slumping over. I tried to pick her up again, but didn’t know where to slip my hoof that wouldn’t make things worse. “You’re hurt!” I said. “Let me…. Let me help you!” I didn’t know what I could do- there was no way to get an ambulance or anything- but I wanted to do something.
“The damage to my body is not serious,” Twilight said. “First I must restore the data of this space to its proper parameters.” Twilight’s horn glowed, first purple, then brilliant white, and exploded in a shock wave of light that passed through us and out into the space around us.
Dust swirled out of the firmament surrounding us. First the classroom floor reappeared, spreading out as if something was pouring paint across the invisible surface Twilight and I rested on. Then the walls arose again, with windows and doors back in their proper places. A fresh wind that I still couldn’t feel brought a wave of dust through the room, and the chairs and desks reappeared, each in its proper place. The strange light of the place we had been faded, replaced by the growing dusk of a normal spring evening.
And then, only then, with the classroom back the way it belonged, did the same violet light play across Twilight’s body. Her swollen, bleeding eye healed itself, opened, revealing a perfectly good eye. The burns on her body vanished. Her missing limb reappeared as if someone had pulled an invisible blanket off of it. Within a minute there was nothing to show that Twilight had been hurt the least little bit.
In fact, looking around me, there was nothing to show that any of the strange goings-on I’d just lived through had ever happened.
Well, no. There were two things different. Trixie was gone. So were Twilight’s glasses.
“Um… was that… real?” I asked at last.
“Yes.”
“Is Trixie… dead?” I shuffled my hooves. “I mean, she tried to kill me, or something close to it, but I still…”
“She has returned where we came from,” Twilight said. “Her subroutine is in storage until needed again.”
“Um… is Trixie alive, then?”
Twilight considered the question, then said slowly, “Your language has no word for the answer.”
So I wasn’t going to have any comfort on that score, was I? “How many are there like you?” I asked.
“Many.”
“How many more are there like Trixie?”
“Do not worry.” Twilight turned to face me with that same impassive stare. Without her glasses, though, those eyes no longer looked strange or creepy. In fact, they looked sort of… comforting. I guess you could say, friendly even. “I won’t let that happen.”
And I could tell it was true. Everything was going to be all right. I reached up with my forehooves and hugged Twilight tightly for a few seconds. When I released her, I saw the first ever expression on her face.
Surprise.
After a few seconds she reached up to her face and felt around for a moment. “I forgot to reconstruct my glasses,” she said, hesitating a bit between words. “It will take only a moment.”
“Sugarcube,” I said, putting a hoof on her horn, “quite frankly I think you look better without those silly things.”
“Oh,” she said, and that expression of surprise widened for just a moment. Then her face went slack again, and she considered me for a moment, then nodded once, just barely, just enough.
I’ve had nightmares about Trixie returning to finish the job since then.
But not that night. That night I slept like a newborn filly.
To Be Continued
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I am watching this anime right now lol. perfect timing.
You ponified Haruhi... Celestia has mercy upon them all
this is great! now i must go and watch the anime. or what do you think i should start with? the anime or the manga?
What hast thou wrought!?
2580027
For expediency- the anime (since there are ten buttloads of chapters in print).
The first season should be watched twice, once in numerical order and once in broadcast order, for greatest effect.
i just feel like leaving a comment.
2580027
The anime is the easiest to get into, if you can find a copy.
The manga is the weakest of the adaptations, but it has material the other versions don't (often very good, the more so in later volumes) and has the benefit of being entirely in chronological order. The other versions skip around.
The light novels were the first appearance of the story, and they have a richness (to my mind) the other versions can't match, but unless you're a Twilight-level bibliophile I'd suggest saving them for last.
I just loved the novels fun fact is why did you left out the topic about Kyon's name, I mean you could have put that to work like never stating AJ name openly :/ just an idea, and more so the love tension between Haruhi-Kyon-Nagato-Mikuru, will there be any of this on the fic?
Keep up the good work
2585579
"I just loved the novels fun fact is why did you left out the topic about Kyon's name, I mean you could have put that to work like never stating AJ name openly :/ just an idea,"
According to the Haruhi Wiki, in one of the novels that hasn't quite made it into print here in the states, it's hinted that Kyon's real name is a magnificent and imposing one that "doesn't suit him." That, plus the fact that Applejack has never minded being called AJ (and Kyon really, really hates his nickname), led me to decide not to include that bit.
"and more so the love tension between Haruhi-Kyon-Nagato-Mikuru, will there be any of this on the fic?"
No. All other reasons aside, Pinkie is not at all the jealous type (except when it's funny). The group will become friends, though- otherwise what's the point?
Keep up the good work
At least there was already a video to go along with this somewhat:
2586549 Had no idea that existed!
Oh, I'm tracking this.
Too bad I beat you to the punch on this.
2586617
.
I'm surprised this English version of the song sounds this good
Also, just got finished reading the chapters, and I like the story so far
. Keep up the good work.
2586846 I think my idea is different enough that there's room for both.
2586903 Yours is a fusion, mine's an actual crossover. In theroy a Fusion isn't the same as an actual crossover since you're just replacing the characters but having them act out the entire series rather than in a crossover said characters appear at a random interval in either universe and try to return to thier home dimension but not before the parties involved must do something to secure the safety of both worlds.
I went looking for cover art on dA, and I found this (no I'm not using it for the purpose):
http://rice-on-pockets.deviantart.com/art/Replacement-285829706