Asking for a proof reading to see if my story's going good. Can Anyone help? https://www.fimfiction.net/story/556759/spikes-and-twilights-lost-connections password to read it is Twispike19

7966243

password is twispike19

uh, no jts not?

Oh. Thanks. Sorry just checking so my story can submit.

Oh I get it. Try Twispike19 with the capital T

Okay, here's the start of an analysis.

In general, the description is a bit too wordy. Remember, with a description, its MAIN purpose is to get someone to say "huh. That sounds interesting enough. I'll click chapter 1". Try to cut it down such that it only hints at what's going to happen, not outright spells it out.

"Twilight's", "Lost", and "Connections" need to be capitalized in the title.

Throughout the description, names are not capitalized in general. In addition to being too long as mentioned, there are several minor grammar mistakes and places you should press enter for a new line.

Regarding character tagging, the lack of Twilight Sparkle is a bit odd. I know you used "Main 6", which does include her, but this tag is primarily used for when the characters will have mostly equal importance - if this story is primarily about Spike and Twilight, you should have Twilight in the tags. Are Luna and Cadence really going to play a big enough role in this story to be tagged, at least OVER Twilight? Even if they're in the story, the tags are reserved for the five MOST important characters in your story.

Now into the story.

-Instead of "Spike has", try past tense. "had had" is proper English but sounds odd sometimes, so maybe "Spike had lived a pretty exicitn life so far".

-The list is weird, especially since the second and third things are basically the same. Instead of just "Being", try "From being the only dragon in Ponyville to working as the smartest unicorn in the world's #1 assistant, his story had been quite the tale!" or something like that.

-You introduce a pretty radical headcanon - that Spike is a prince and Celestia's son - very casually. You have to be careful with this kind of thing. Even if YOU see the headcanon as "obvious" - because you've written about it many times before and believed it for years - others may not see it hte same way. I certainly didn't. A revelation like this would deserve its own paragraph. After detailing the list, you could begin the next paragraph with "On top of all of this, though, Spike had quite the secret - a secret he kept even from his closest friends. He was, in fact, a prince - the true son of Princess Celestia - but he had kept this information secret as he didn't want ponies to be his friend just because he was a prince". I don't really like this particular reasoning, but I'm trying to word what you wrote in a better way at least.

-Don't forget to capitalize "Sparkle". There's a comma after that too ("His best friend Twilight Sparkle, however, was different...)

-Despite all the lack of name capitalization, you capitalized the words "cuddle" and "despite" :P

This is about as far as I could make it on my lunch break. Speaking candidly and honestly, I think you have a lot of work to do on this story - both in the way that you tell it from a meta perspective and in the more technical grammar and writing aspect. I think you should invest in another editor who can catch these things a bit better.

You know your right about the headcannon of spike being a prince WAS a bit too early to introduce, the way you it was actually really good! Thanks for the feed back. Any advice is welcome to me.