EToo Many Pinkie Trips

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure

Pinkie didn’t know what she got herself into. Going on one trip is fine. Going on two? Great! Going on them at the same time? She might need a little help with that.

• Alt. Universe
• Pinkie
• Luna
• Sunburst

RCharge · 24k words  ·  16  1 · 394 views

Summary: Twilight was looking forward to the diplomatic trip to Maretonia with Princess Luna. However, she became rather ill and could not attend. The same day, Sunburst announced his plans to visit Mount Aris. Twilight was bummed she couldn’t attend either of them.

Pinkie happened to be visiting Twilight that day when she heard her complaining about the trips she couldn’t attend. Being the good friend that she was, Pinkie decided to help Twilight out by attending them in her stead. However, when she learned that going on both was going to be an issue, she quickly realized that she couldn’t be in two places at once. Or could she?

This was a story, that's for sure. I was interested to see how Pinkie Pie was going to deal with Twilight being sick, and what she would do to help. The story is a bit all over the place, it starts off innocently enough with Pinkie just wanting to help, but as the story progresses more and more happens and by the end of it, I wasn't quite sure what to think. Considering, the story is on hiatus, I'll be reviewing what is currently written as of Chapter 8: Business as usual. Overall, this story felt like it dragged on after chapter four, and it didn't feel very engaging. Let's dive in.

4/10

This story centers around Pinkie pie as one might expect, but not just one but three Pinkie pies. Turns out Twilight isn’t well, and Pinkie decides to not only attend the meeting with Luna but also attend the meeting with Sunburst. There’s just one problem, she’s only one pony hence the use of the mirror pool.

This is an interesting concept on paper, even if I find it very hard to believe that Pinkie Pie would ever break a Pinkie promise, considering how serious such a thing is to her. (Over a barrel) is a great example of this, even if the episode itself is subpar. 

Now let’s address the good things. This story is very light hearted. It clearly has a route it wants to take and goes all the way with it. It doesn’t really deviate much from the initial plot up above, and while the story itself is clearly on hiatus, I must judge it for what it is. A very mixed bag.

I have notes on a few of the chapters below, but I noticed in each chapter there were multiple repetitive beats of the plot. The pinkie clones can never be seen together or hence the plan is ruined, and Pinkie Pie will be in BIG BIG BIG trouble if that happens. After chapter 1, Chapter 2 there are two instances of this, and it continues to be a recurring gag throughout the rest of the chapters. I can understand that Luna and Sunburst are apparently going on the same ship. So, with that in mind, why couldn’t Twilight have been well, just having the meeting with them both at the same time?

Also, the simple fact that Canterlot is a HUGE city, and both Pinkie’s find the pony they need to speak to, without bumping into any pony else, feels a bit contrived/forced. For the sake of the plot you will. Canterlot is a beautiful city, and we don’t even get to really see it. Both pinkie’s just rush straight to the ponies they are  looking for, and that’s it. It feels like a bit of a let down for me personally. This could have added much needed distractions for the pinkie’s to discover and make them get a bit off track. Despite being clones, these two still have Pinkie’s personality, just more amplified. 

The actual conservations between Luna, and Pinkie, as well as the other Pinkie and Sunburst are mostly just sorta dull. It is interesting that Luna is still finding her voice. Switching between olden pony and talking normally, and occasionally in the “Royal canterlot voice” but I wonder what the author thought this would add to the story. Comedy? A more psychologist look at Luna and how she's faring? The focus of the story is mostly centered around Pinkie Pie and her clones, so I doubt that is the case either way. It’s such a shame really.

Once Chapter 5 hits Welcome to Maretonia, the story just goes away from Pinkie pie shenanigan's and tries to make some sort of plot around Seaequestria, and exploring the vast oceans to find more about the lands. This could have been really engaging, informative, and instructional but instead it is a dull, boring, and tedious reading getting through these later chapters. I am glad we got a break from Pinkie Pie shenanigans but this all just feels like putting whatever words on the paper the author can, without it needing to make logical sense. Also, I don’t even know what timeline this story is set in. It seems all over  the place, quite literally.

3/10

Most of the writing when it comes to grammar is overall average. There are instances where sentence's feel like they go on too long, or comma's in place of period's and vice versa. However, the most annoying part of the writing is the LONG and overbearing paragraph's that go on way too long, and end up making the story as a whole feel dull.

There is also plenty of parts of the writing that feel like they just don't go anywhere or lead to anything. It just feels like the writer was writing whatever came to mind, without a lot of thought to how it all comes together, which makes the story as a whole, feel like a very mixed bag.

4/10

Pinkie Pie: She's the main character of this story but most of the story focuses on her clone's and they talk and act just like Pinkie Pie. They each do their best to follow the original Pinkie Pie's instructions. The pinkie pies follow Pinkie Pie's character to a tee, getting in quite a bit of mischievous behavior on the way.

Luna: Luna seems to be herself for the short bits we get from her, though I do question why she switches from old ponish, to normal talking to The royal Canterlot voice. She feels genuine enough, it was just something I noticed.

Sunburst: Shy, intelligent, a bit withdrawn from the world. This verison of Sunburst fits what I know of him, but this story gives him a bit too much of Twilight's tendious's at times. I know he and Twilight have a bit in common, but it just feels a little more than needed especially in later chapters.

7/10

The idea itself of the mirror pool isn't one I've seen used very often. I'm sure there are stories out there about it, but it's usually not the kind of stories I read. So, I do think there's a bit of orginality here, but sadly the execution is where this story really loses me. It starts off innocently enough. Pinkie makes clones, they go and do what she requested, and then they go on adventure's all without being caught together. The whole concept could be engaging and really interesting to see how it plays out. However, I found myself having to re-read parapragh's, and struggling with later chapters to stay invested in what I was reading. I think one way to fix this would be to have more engaging plot from the time they leave Canterlot to visit Maretonia and Seaequestria. As it is now, I feel like the author had a lot of things they wanted to do, but a lot of them missed the mark entirely.

5/10

This story started out innocently enough, and quite charming. However, as the story progressed the plot got all mixed up, and I wasn't quite sure what to think of it all. After, another reading of the whole thing, I'm convinced the author wanted to try a bunch of new things and they just don't all mesh together as one coherent piece.

Final score: Meh. (Needs work.)
Some scores are above but I decided not to do the traditionally scoring with this one.

To the author: This story could be really interesting, but as it is, I feel like you have too many plot points, and not enough of things that hold them all together. It's like not having the right amount of flour and water to make a good pie crust. Too much flour and it's hard, too much water, and it's runny.

To the reader: If you want to read this, just bewarned the plot after Chapter 3 is a bit all over the place, and at least for me the reading felt very dull, and like it dragged on.

Chapter 1: “Now… What were those directions again?” Pinkie mused to nopony in particular as she exited the Castle of Friendship and made her way towards the outskirts of town.

Now while this passage does work, it feels a little dull, I think there is an easy fix though.
“Now… What were those directions again? Pinkie mused to herself.

Earlier that day, she decided to visit Twilight. However, when she arrived, she found that her friend wasn’t feeling too well and made time to stay for a while after hearing that. While they talked, Twilight mentioned a problem she was having. It was… uh... Pinkie scratched behind her ear before her eyes lit up when she realized what she was searching for. She mentally kicked herself for momentarily forgetting her Pinkie Promise to help Twilight, the reason she was currently heading to the one place she thought she would never be visiting again: The Mirror Pool.

Let’s break this down by passage. This paragraph goes on a little long, and I feel like if it was separated more evenly, it would read better. As it is, it feels clunky. 
Earlier that day, she decided to visit Twilight. When she arrived, she found that her friend wasn’t feeling well and made time to stay for awhile after hearing the news.

While they talked Twilight mentioned a problem she was having. It was… uh… Pinkie scratched behind her ear before her eyes lit up when she realized what she was searching for. 

She mentally kicked herself for momentarily forgetting her Pinkie Promise to help Twilight, the reason she was currently heading to the one place she thought she would never be visiting again: The Mirror Pool.

This would have been better if it had SHOWN the events of the paragraph, rather than telling it as internal exposition. Granted show versus tell is a hard thing to master.

Many paragraphs in the first chapter go on a bit too long, over welcomed their stay and make the story feel clunky, and a bit dull at times. I also find it odd that Pinkie Pie would ever even think of breaking a pinkie promise, considering how serious a Pinkie promise is to her. 

Chapter 2: The plan is underway and the two clones are sent to Canterlot. The issue of clunky long paragraphs continues, and there’s a bit of odd  spacing  like   this   near the end. Overall, this chapter feels very contrived. The simple fact that the clones both find Luna and Sunburst so easily feels a bit forced. Canterlot is a big city, surely other ponies would see them.

I also noticed a lack of description of the city. Considering how large it is, and how the clones have never been here, how have they not both gotten lost on multiple occasions?

These may seem like small things, but it feels like a lot of missed potential here.

This is the end of my notes as after Chapter 3, the story just goes all over the place and it was hard to keep my interest in the story, let alone taking more notes on what I already knew.

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Your reviews are very detailed and straightforward.... I like.