On my quest to leave no M-Rated story behind in the General folder of the Reviewers' Mansion, next up is:

[Adult story embed hidden]

The M rating is a big umbrella, and while sex is usually my wheelhouse, it can also include this story's tag for Violence, and "some pretty strong torture imagery." Therefore I went into this one with caution. I was relieved to find that the torture imagery was actually fairly tame compared to other pieces that I've read (and even written) in the past. I was, however, nonetheless surprising. But more on that later.

First, a glance at the long description:

Although nasty evils have been eradicated from Equestria, the harms of wrongdoings do not vanish with their leaders. The changelings have done harm throughout and beyond Equestria, and restoring justice is up to the good nature of the new hive. Ocellus discovers this duty when a newcomer arrives and engages the Young Six.

Coming back to this after having read the story, I find this a bit misleading. For context, let me give you the TL;DR of the story:

The story opens with a flashback to Queen Chrysalis debriefing some changelings coming back from the Kirin village after the big flame war featured in Sounds of Silence.

“These, my children, are exemplary harvesters. I only hope that you all can live up to such a feat as this. These two have drained an entire village of love, driving them to anger and destruction.”

Thereby loading Chekov's Gun.
Flash forward to present; Ocellus and the rest of the Student Six are at Twilight's School of Friendship. A new Kirin student, River Breeze, arrives. It turns out he only came to find and interrogate a changeling to find out the location of the changeling hive to go there and burn them all as a Nirik, as revenge for him (and presumably others) getting burned or worse during the Kirin Village fire. After he interrogates her with some brief torture (that does not venture into explicit Gore territory) gets the information he wants and leaves to go destroy the hive. Ocellus gets rescued and the hive gets warned. The story ends without resolution, but it is implied that River Breeze would be stopped.

Now, when I first read the story description, and with the opening scene involving Chrysalis, I thought that the Violence would have been perpetrated by her. Even if tangentially, from Ocellus recounting it. So I was a little thrown when it turned out that River Breeze was the one to do it. Firstly because I went into the story with expectations. So that one is on me. But mostly, it was because in the scant 4,500 words of this story, we do not, at all, get to know this new character.

Upon a second reading, his initial behavior meeting the Student Six makes some sense. And I can get how he was written this way with the author knowing why as they write it. But the first time reading through, he just seems like an a-hole not worth the group's time, yet conveniently, if unfortunately, Ocellus insists on interacting with him alone. This would have been an opportunity to peel away some layers to find out why he was behaving in such a way. And we almost get that until:

He encroached upon Ocellus, backing her into the corner of the residence. “Reformed? River, I get that you’re fascinated with changelings, but—”

“Fascinated?” River’s deep cackle rattled Ocellus’ rib cage. “I could not be more disgusted by you monsters.”

Even on a second reading, knowing that it's coming, this sudden change in tone still feels like

Even after River Breeze tortured her with fire, Ocellus, still badly burned, actually says when rescued,

“But he wasn’t evil!” Ocellus barked.

To which I must ask, "Isn't he though?"
A character is defined by their actions. And even as the one not nearly burned to death, I have to disagree with her. There are a lot of groups in the world that have done not-nice things to people. But if I were to grab a random person who happens to be, say, the grand-daughter of a KKK member for example, and set them on fire, I'm pretty sure that's still an evil thing to do.

“How many lives did the changelings ruin? How many creatures are waiting, scheming for the moment to strike back with their vengeance against the hive?” Ocellus faltered, bobbing her head. “What if next time they don’t fire a warning shot?”

This is a valid concern, and one that I wish the show could have addressed, (sans the torture). And really, this could have been explored in detail in this very story I feel through dialogue. Even with his initial behavior, River Breeze could have eventually warmed up to the rest of the group and told them why he doesn't like Ocellus, and explain his backstory. This still serves the Chekov pay-off, in a way more cohesive with the MLP universe. And the second act dealing with him coming around and, if not collectively forgiving changelings, at least differentiating Ocellus as an individual. Of course, this route would have nearly doubled the story length, but that's not a bad thing.

Technical Writing: 9/10
Spelling, grammar and punctuation are superb. As is paragraph structure. I never had any trouble knowing who was talking. There was only a couple tiny errors I noticed, but nothing breaking immersion, and I was unable to find them a second time through.

Dialogue: 8/10
Everyone other than River Breeze was written well, in a recognizable way. River's dialogue felt a bit stilted, but I will give it the benefit of the doubt that this was intentional, considering the nature of his character.

Pacing: 3/10
Characterization: 4/10
As it stands, the course of events feels rushed and unsubtle. I would have liked to have seen more time spent fleshing out River Breeze into someone more memorable than a sociopathic pyromaniac. We as the reader, need more time to become emotionally invested in these character, so that way when he does turn, it has more gravitas. As of now, all it has to go on is bad things happening to Ocellus, a character we know and like already because this is fanfiction of a show we have already watched.

Obvious bad guy is obviously bad, and behaves accordingly from the word go without any attempt at subterfuge. It's insulting in the same way Chrysalis acted as a bitchy Cadance in Canterlot Wedding, but without the smug ego of someone who thinks they won't get caught. The addition of the torture almost feels needlessly edgy. And while River Breeze is very clearly a villain, he just feels... flat to me. And in fact, by the time I finished the story and started writing this review, I had already forgotten his name. Which is a shame because I personally relish well-made villains.

Maybe I'm alone in this position, so I'll invite you all to read it. Again, it's short. At 4,500 words, it'll take you no time to read it. And let me be clear, it is by no means a bad story. With a 73:1 like ratio, it is clearly doing a lot right. I just personally think there were things it could have done better.

For review purposes: 6/10

Thanks so much for the feedback! Now that I think about it, writing villains is definitely something I don’t have as much experience with. I agree with your conclusion, a lot could have been done better and expanded it more than I had.

As for the M rating and whatnot, I really just wanted to be safe and wasn’t sure where that line was at the time of posting, but I’ll keep what you mentioned in mind for the future.