THoofprints

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Slice of Life

After work on a bad day, I saw a pair of hoofprints in the snow. So I followed them. That's why I'm talking to you. How much do you want to know?

• Nurse Redheart

Flutterpriest · 1.3k words  ·  156  2 · 1.2k views

Beware young reader, there be spoilers ahead. If yee hasn’t read this story yee shoukd first. Yee have been warned.

Initial Impressions:

This was an interesting mystery style look at the burned out Nurse RedHeart. As a fellow Redheart fan I felt I had to give this one a read and was not disappointed. It was a well crafted mystery filled with a little glimpse into Redheart’s personality. 

It was almost cute watching the nurse create a little mystery with just a single clue of hoot prints. I could almost see her winding herself down with it after a long shift. 

Then it switched to a darker tone. The foreboding forest and dark things that could be lurking. I got to the end and was filled with confusion as the patient I thought had died, died again. 

Summary:

Nurse Redheart has had a long day. She got out late, and it’s snowing and a patient disappeared. So when she finds a set of hoof prints in the snow she uses it as a way to have an imaginary fun adventure. She thinks of some of the possible reasons the pony could be out in the snow this late. She allows her mind to play detective and follows the tracks. The more she follows the track the more concerned she becomes. The tracks lead into the woods. There she finds the patient that ran away. At the bottom of a ravine. 

Story (8/10)

This was a great story done entirely inside the mind of the character. She had a small adventure all on her own. It also portrayed that burned out sense that most medical professionals have after a long shift. The build up was good and tension of the piece held throughout.  The only issue was the confusion about losing the patient. I had to read it twice to realize the patient was actually physically gone, not dead. Normally when you hear that a patient is lost it means they are dead. Unless that was intentional. I could see how setting it up to think they were dead would keep the mystery of it alive so you don’t immediately think of that patient when she discovers the hoofprints. But if that was the case it makes the ending quite confusing as the patient you thought was dead turned out not to be but then ended up dead again anyway. So perhaps a little more explanation or hints that the patient fled and not died. 

The only other criticism is the suggestion of the bad results. There doesn’t sound like there is that much hope in Redheart’s description of it in the beginning. If she was a little more concerned that this patient could be saved it might have a greater impact when she discovers the body.

Characters (9/10)

There is only one character here and she is done well. You can feel that hollow sense you get from too much illness and patients. The desperate need to have something to make the world a little lighter. The emptiness of life outside of work when you dedicate yourself to a giving profession. All these paint a great picture of a nurse that has had her hope drained from her time and time again by reality. This has always been my take on her as well.

The only issue was the one line where she mentioned could have been Doctor Redheart. It was an odd comment for her. I’m not sure if she was suggesting she had the experience for it, which would imply she’s been there a long time. But then she was consoled earlier when she lost a patient. The nurses tell her it happens at times. That suggests that she is still new enough. 

Perhaps it was mostly to comment that she’s smart enough. In which case it’s an odd statement given the scenario. Mostly likely in a burned out situation that she’s in the idea of taking on more responsibility is unlikely. 

But that aside it was an excellent portrayal of her. 

The flow (10/10)

This piece flowed nicely. The feeling of exhaustion leaving the hospital felt right. The attempt at light hearted fun felt in character and necessary. Her thoughts on who this pony was and the hope that they were alike showed the depth of her loneliness. The change in tone as she left Ponyville and entered the woods set you up for the big sad reveal. 

Max points for you. You get the Hollywood hoof shake.

What worked

The tone and feel of the piece was great. The character was well defined without having to say it. The idea was well done and interesting. If indeed you meant to trick the audience with word choice then kudos for being able to dance around it.

And kudos to you for getting another Redheart story read on YouTube.

(I have a lot of extra kudos to give) 

What I would have done 

Because you know , some people would want to know. First off, make it clear that the pony ran off. Also have Redheart about to deliver news that it wasn’t as bad as the initial blood work indicated. 

Then to distract the reader from the missing pony, throw a red herring in there. Have one of the other nurses (Snowheart, Tenderheart, Sweetheart) mention it’s a full moon on a snowstorm. The most romantic time to find a partner. That way Redheart is more interested in the hoof prints as a way to cure her loneliness. 

Then you blind side the reader by this potential love interest is actually the patient from earlier and dead. Crushing the dreams of Redheart and throwing guilt into her because she didn’t get to tell her the good news. 

I guess I am not that nice. But it definitely would have more impact I think.

In summation 

I loved the story just a few changes and it would be beautifully soul crushing.

Total score: 9/10

Recommended for those that like stories that captivate you but leaves you feeling kind of bummed out.

<For archive purposes: 9/10>