EPRN Hospital: Shock and Awww

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Hearts and Hooves day comes to the hospital and Redheart is annoyingly single. But when a pegasus with a broken prosthetic shows up things go a little differently this year.

• Nurse Redheart
• Kerfuffle

Short-tale · 8.4k words  ·  57  2 · 783 views

Summary

Nurse Redheart goes on a first date with Kerfuffle. Cue cuteness.

Overview

A bit of a rough beginning leads to a much more solid second chapter in this fun and lovely tale of a first date between an unlikely pair.

First Impressions

This one’s short and sweet, but we have to wade through the weeds a little to get to the really good stuff. The payoff is more than worth it, though.

So first off, the bad news. The first chapter is messy. From the long description, I get the sense that this is a sequel, but my understanding is it was supposed to be able to stand on its own? In this regard, the first chapter falls a little short. The problem is character bloat.

We’re introduced to a lazy shift at Ponyville Regional Network Hospital. In the first five paragraphs we are introduced to no less than five different named characters, with very little information as to who they are or what they’re contributing to the story. We meet the nurses, Redheart and Snowheart, and we also encounter Ace Bandage, Klinger Gauze, and Noteworthy. Shortly after that we also shove in Rainbow Dash, Applejack, an ER tech named Scrubs, Rarity, and Doctor Horse. My brain is already spinning, and not because things are getting tense. Rather I’m trying to keep track of this crowd of characters.

I can tell that the author put thought into each of these ponies, that the author has a pretty good sense of their personalities and histories. And that’s great. The problem is, what are they contributing to this scene? Unfortunately, the answer is, confusion and distraction.

Think of it this way; the primary point of this opening scene is to develop Redheart, to show her meeting Kerfuffle, and to give Redheart a chance to be cool and heroic and such. The only ponies that matter are Redheart, Kerfuffle, and a patient for Redheart to work on so she can look badass. Everybody else is just window dressing, and by giving them too much presence in the scene, it creates confusion.

The medical emergency felt a little forced and cartoonish, though we are reading pony fanfiction, so I don’t suppose it’s too much of an issue. The good news is, once that’s over we can get on to the date!

Though… first we have to mention two more characters, each of whom needs their own lines. I just want to get back to the infatuation and flirting, not worry about who the ambulance drivers and EMTs are!

When Doctor Whooves shows up (not to be confused with Doctor Horse) I actually don’t mind, because he really does add something to the story. Specifically, the author works in some cute bits about Kerfuffle, such as:

“Ooh ho ho. No. Torque is a little too coarse fer me. Her hooves are too rough. I like soft, gentle hooves but strong ones that can lift me off my own, eh”

Of course we know she’s thinking of Redheart here. Fun.

The whole premise of them going on a ‘fake date’ is actually a cute little conflict. Obviously, we (the readers) know it’s less fake than they want to pretend, as they’re already showing signs of some pretty cute chemistry.

When the fake-couple-but-not-really-fake-cuz-we-can-tell-there’s-chemistry finally make it to the carriage ride, we meet Big Heart, a Redheart sibling. Again, with only him and the couple in the scene, I don’t really mind another side character. It’s just when they’re avalanched on us all at the same time that it becomes too much.

And the ending is cute and sweet! The couple realizes they might work out well together, agree to go on a real date, and the story ends nicely.

Ratings by Category

Characters: (6/10). The characters are well developed, they have unique voices, and they clearly have love and thought put into them. The problem is there is just too many of them in too short a time period.

The author’s note at the end suggests that the author is thinking of turning the story into some sort of serial. Great! I think there’s tons of worldbuilding here to make that into something wonderful. However, each character might need their own story to shine, a moment to really give readers a chance to get to know them rather than having them all cannonballed at us at once.

Think of it this way: why does the Marvel Cinematic Universe work, while the DC Universe flops? Well, there are lots of reasons, but one of the big ones is that the MCU gave us time to meet and fall in love with each of these heroes before throwing them at us all at once. If a PRN serial were going to work, we would need to see something more like that.

Short Tale, I encourage you to put this idea into practice. And start with the smaller stories. Each of these individuals needs their own turn in the spotlight.

Setting: (7/10) Not much to say here. I feel like the settings are not intrusive or poorly described. They’re just kind of… there. They don’t take away, but I wonder if in a longer series we could really give the hospital some real character? It just felt a bit generic. I’d love to see what makes PNR Hospital unique and special.

I do like that the time is taken to somewhat organically explain the medical terminology to me.

Dialogue: (7/10). While some of the dialogue may feel stilted and a little awkward, most of it isn’t. Kerfuffle’s voice shines, as does Redheart’s sister, Snowheart (I hope you explore in another story why she’s so analytical and literal. It’s kinda fun).

I guess if I’m really thinking about it, much of the dialogue I’d take slight issue with is from characters that aren’t adding much to the plot anyways, like Doctor Horse or Rarity. All in all, the dialogue is pretty solid, but at the same time could use a pretty stiff editing run to cut what simply doesn’t need to be there.

Plot Structure: (7/10). Any problems here are related back to the first chapter, which is bloated with a lot of action that doesn’t quite add much to the plot. Once Doctor Horse enters it’s pretty smooth sailing. The rising tension throughout the date works pretty well.

Many fluff/Slice of Life style pieces forget or neglect the conflict. This one doesn’t, and it really helps the story. The tension of Red’s growing realization that this fake date is a lot less fake than she thought is excellent. I was really rooting for the two of them by the end.

Grammar: (6/10). There were enough grammar issues, particularly missed punctuation marks and a few improper capitalizations, that it did become a little distracting. Also, perhaps it’s a personal thing, but passive voice sentences really stand out and take me out of a narrative. For example:

Redheart looked at the pleading face looking back at her. “I ..,” she began and hesitated. Normally a pony offering to take her out was immediately rejected.

In any sentence, the subject of the sentence (in this case, Redheart) should be the one doing the action. Passive voice happens when something that’s not the subject is doing the action, often leaving the subject out of the sentence. Perhaps something like, “Redheart would normally reject any pony asking her out.”

Admittedly grammar is mostly a finishing touch sort of thing, and the core of the story is solid. This one just could have used a more thorough editing pass.

Total: (6.6/10)

Final Thoughts/Feedback

Obviously, there’s some issues. But the message you should take away is that the core story’s solid. The characters have chemistry, and that’s probably the hardest part to get right in a romance. The conflict feels real, as well as the stakes. The pacing is good, after we get past the first half of chapter one.

Best Part: All the kisses except the muffin kiss (eww chewed food). Snowheart’s weirdly robotic justifications. Kerfuffle getting all melty over Redheart’s physical strength.

<For archive purposes: 6.6/10>