EBest Pegasus

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

Spitfire just wanted a nice quiet train ride back from Rainbow Falls. Not to end up talking philosophy with a strange mare.

• Spitfire
• Derpy

forbloodysummer · 4.3k words  ·  53  1 · 1.7k views

WARNING!!!!!!!! Spoilers ahead. Please READ the story before reading the review. (Or just read the review anyways, I have no power over you!)

The story itself is a decent slice of life that explores Spitfire’s character further, but there was quite a bit of repetition, and some errors in the writing that made it a bit distracting. I wished for Spitfire and Derpy to do more than just talk, as it felt like the story was constantly in slow motion, and while I do understand the stylistic choice, I felt it could have connected the message more accurately.

6/10

The heart of the story is all about it’s message, and the message here is reflection on what it means to not only be a leader, but to be able to acknowledge when you’ve messed up, and how to re-build yourself up once more to be able to find a new way of seeing yourself and how to move forward with a new kind of self-worth, and a dedication to do better. 

Spitfire is the one learning the lesson here, and Derpy is the one that teaches it to her, but honestly most of the time, Derpy is just having a normal conservation with Spitfire, as normal as that can be considering that  Derpy is a bit clumsy and doesn’t really know how to address Spitfire as a leader, but more so as a pony. She doesn’t look at her immediately as the leader of the Wonderbolts but as a pony who could use a friend. Derpy here is important to the plot, because it’s through talking to her that Spitfire has her revelation and realizes just how much she messed up with Rainbow Falls, and seeks to improve her relations with  the team in the future. It’s certainly not a bad story, but it’s also not a great story. It feels like this is a middle of the road tale. It feels harder to rate because of that. 

6/10

Spitfire: Confident, cunning, stubborn pride. Spitfire is the leader of the Wonderbolts for a reason, she knows how to handle herself, but in this story she’s withdrawn from her normal bravado, as she’s reflecting on the mistakes she made, and ultimately caused a rift within her team, and because she’s the leader, she takes the blame for what has expired, meaning she’s ridden with the guilt of the former events and despite trying to ignore it, it digs at her consciousness, and seeing the innocence of Derpy, shows her just how much work she has yet to do. It’s very believable, and relatable. I just wish the message wasn’t as hammered in as it was, but Spitfire’s character is well written.

Derpy: Caring, always trying her best, kind and compassionate. Derpy feels perfectly in character here. She reminds me of the Derpy we all know and love and it makes sense that she would question Spitfire, despite never having a leadership role herself. There’s an unspoken truth about Derpy and how she handles herself, despite being different, and in an odd way, that relates back to Spitfire’s role as a leader, and the two compliment each other well. My really only complaint about her portrayal is that she almost seems a bit too forgiving. Like she doesn’t act hurt by Spitfire’s decisions, even though it could have hurt Ponyville, and Derpy has always cared deeply about her home, so it feels a bit odd for her to shrug it off so easily, but likely that is because the plot isn’t about Ponyville but about what it means to make mistakes when you are in a position of power such as a leader, and how some pony like Derpy could show Spitfire a new light, and a new prospective. 

8/10

Noun and verse arguments. 
This sentence structure doesn't make sense. The floor coming up to her chest makes it feels like she's slipping through the floor, which feels off. The easiest way to fix this is to get rid of with the only light coming from. That part isn't really needed to show us the room was cramped. You could say this instead:

As Spitfire walked into the room, she had to duck her head due to the low ceiling beams, making it hard for her to fit herself into the cramped room. She took a deep breath as she stood still.

Repetition: This story is plagued with a lot of repeating phrases that feel like they water the story down, which ultimately holds it back from being a strong articulate story.

A few examples: “Every pony makes mistakes” “I’m just a pony” 
Spitfire constant apologizing. I understand why she’s doing it, but it feels overused to the point it gets tiring to hear the same thing. You could also show the exhaustion in her eyes, right after the apology to show us just how much she regrets her actions. 

This is more a nitpick but an overuse of mare/she/her instead of names to avoid repetition of names also gets old, and can confuse the reader as to who is speaking at times.

Next there’s quite a few chunky, oddly formatted paragraphs, and as a matter of fact one of the worst examples is the beginning. 
Example: Spitfire trudged up the dark, narrow wooden stairs, one wing firmly wrapped around the hoofrail to steady herself against the swaying as the train chugged along. Her wings ached even more than usual, but that had nothing to do with why she felt so weary. She pulled her way up to the top and paused there for a second to collect herself, before sliding open the compartment door. The room revealed was low and cramped, with the only light coming from a window that started level with the floor and barely came up to her chest when she was standing. Rather than seats, boxes and suitcases were laid out before her, which her sore body weakly protested at the sight of.

How to fix it? Firstly there’s too many structural errors, firstly in the way things are phrased. In the first sentence alone, there’s too many commas, and the phrasing of what we are experiencing through Spitfire’s eyes feels oddly worded.

Suggestion: Spitfire trudged up the dark, narrow wooden stairs. She balanced herself by having her wingtip gently wrapped around the nearby railing as the train chugged along the rickety tracks.

4/10

Two characters talking on a train is a rather common plot thread, but I felt like the message of the story was a bit unique, for showing that even Leaders can truly learn how to be better through the eyes of a commoner. Granted, I enjoyed the message, but the story isn’t really that out of the normal to be truly unique. Tying Coloratura’s “I’m just a pony” into the narrative, did feel a bit forced, and while it can relate to Derpy, it feels “put in for the sake of putting it in” And that makes the execution a bit clunky due to how often the phrasing is used.

5/10

This is a decent sit down story if you just want to have a light read, that doesn't’ require a lot of thought. It’s a very simple idea on paper. Two ponies on a train, where one pony learns something valuable from the other, and the pony who learned the lesson, becomes a better pony because of it. This is a common stereotype that has been used in many novels, movies, and even perhaps show plays. It’s common because it’s relatable to both sides of the conservation. It’s easy to often get lost within yourself.  This shows Spitfire what it truly means to just be herself, and not get lost in winning, nor being a leader of the Wonderbolt. For Derpy it shows courage for her to step up to Spitfire and call her out on her faults, all while remaining naive and innocent. It’s a good progression for both characters, and it relates a lot to what I feel a lot of ponies might go through. Struggle, and growth is hard. Accepting you have made mistakes isn’t easy, but acknowledging them and growing from it, shows a level of maturity.

Final score: 6+6+8+4+5=29/50
5.8/10

Headpat worthy:

Boop worthy:

Needs work: Yes

To the author: This story has a lot of potential, but the issues I mentioned above water down the effectiveness of it’s message, and I really felt like it could have been a lot more focused, but I do hope my feedback is helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I really enjoyed the message of this piece and what it means to me personally definitely made me reflect on what it means to lead.

To the reader: Recommended if you like SOL story with a good message but a bit of clunkiness, and awkward phrasings, but an overall decent tale.

There are no notes this time. This part is usually used for multi-chapter stories with diving into each chapter. For oneshots, there is no multi-chapters and I feel like I already said everything that needed to be said.

<For archive purposes: 5.8/10>

7501981 Thanks for the in-depth review. I'm going to look over it closely with the story and see what I can learn from it