Soldiering On by Nailah is the next story that I will be reviewing today.

ESoldiering On

• MLP: FiM
• Sad
• Slice of Life

A short snippet about love, war, and how we endure through it all for the sakes of the ones we love.

• Alt. Universe
• Applejack
• Pear Butter

Nailah · 1.3k words  ·  26  1 · 430 views

This review contains spoilers. Do avoid reading this review before reading the story.

Summary

Due to the war, Pear Butter had to care for her children independently. This was her part to play, though it was not necessarily easy.

Content/Plot Analysis

The overall plot is simple. It is a snippet into how life, told from the perspective of Pear Butter, could potentially be in the context of war. It is a narrative that looks into how the suffering of war is not just felt at the frontlines of battle, but also in the domestic household. Oftentimes, we consider how war could scar the soldiers on the frontline, physically or even psychologically. However, typically, there are few who would think about the families of these soldiers, and the anxiety, trauma and perhaps even fear at the prospect of their loved one fighting for their sake. This story seeks to tell this side of the war.

I must say that the thoughts and emotions in the story were, by and large, accurate to the context of the piece. I would understand that Pear Butter would constantly be hopeful that Bright Mac would be able to come home after the war, though there are nuances of anxiety and fear that he might not return. The longing to see him again was also present and certainly believable.

However, owing to the fact that this piece was speed written, these relatable emotions were not able to come through to impact the reader significantly. Regrettably, the rapid pacing of the story gave the characters in the story little time to breathe. There was little leeway to allow the story to delve into the depth of the emotions of the Pear Butter especially.

This is especially concerning during the conversation between Pear Butter and her children. There was little development to show the extent of emotion between the characters. While the dialogue can convey what the characters are feeling, and to some extent how much they feel, I posit that the story would have undeniably benefitted from slowing the scene down. In doing so, the author has opportunities to show how deeply Pear would feel.

Specifically, when Big Mac asked Pear Butter how much he missed his father, I felt that the story could have gone into how Pear Butter had felt before she had to reply to Big Mac to show that she was strong in spite of the situation. A moment of hesitation, a flicker of anxiety and perhaps a memory of the past of their days together would come to my mind when I was considering myself to be in her hooves, for instance.

Additionally, I felt that the argument between Applejack and Big Mac had ended in the story almost prematurely. I was surprised that their argument would have been resolved by a single rhetorical question by their mother actually; I was expecting them to bicker for a moment more due to their immaturity at their young age. Again, allowing the conflict to fester for a greater period of time in the story might help show different angles and nuances in the unique characters in Applejack, Big Mac and Pear Butter. This would be particularly crucial in this story as it is set in an alternate universe.

In any case, the story proceeds into the future in the second and final chapter, where Applejack had fought in the war against Sombra, and had come back home in defeat. As Pear Butter (and presumably Bright Mac) had already passed on by this time, Applejack was wallowing in sorrow at the loss and at the future, with Big Mac consoling her. Here, I must say that the immersion of the character’s emotions was definitely stronger, thanks to the regulated pacing of this chapter.

Before I close off this section, I would like to talk about the war itself. In the story, there was little information that showed the gravity or the significance of the war situation. I think that if the author could bring this into the story, the emotions in the household would be more justified. It would allow the reader to glean into the alternate universe in a broader scope, and immerse into the setting of the story and the emotions of the characters more organically.

Language

Errors were common in this piece. Let’s take a look at the more salient matters that I would recommend addressing.

She smiled, as she shifted the dirty diaper away from her filly's bottom and tossedit into the trash.

She smiled, as she shifted the dirty diaper away from her filly's bottom and tossed it into the trash.

Ssshhhh. Little one don't you fret. Momma is here." She said as she reached her hooves down and lifted her into her forearms, patting her gently on the back.

Ssshhhh. Little one don't you fret. Momma is here(,)" she said as she reached her hooves down and lifted her into her forearms, patting her gently on the back.

"Oh honey, I know it's hard, but ya have to be strong." Said Pear Butter as she laid Apple Bloom down on the wooden stand.

"Oh honey, I know it's hard, but ya have to be strong(,)" said Pear Butter as she laid Apple Bloom down on the wooden stand.

"Seems your children are defending your honor again. I'd better go settle this before it gets out of hoof" said Pear Butter…

"Seems your children are defending your honor again. I'd better go settle this before it gets out of hoof(,)" said Pear Butter…

"Your father is out there fighting to keep us safe. Do you think he'd approve of you two bickering like foals?" Asked pear butter.

"Your father is out there fighting to keep us safe. Do you think he'd approve of you two bickering like foals?" asked Pear Butter.

“Yep.” said Big Mac, as the two sibling just held each other.

“Yep(,)” said Big Mac, as the two siblings just held each other.

Stance

This is an interesting tale filled with potential. I felt that the story could benefit with some editing and from giving the characters within it more time to portray their emotions. I think that this piece could easily be expanded to bring the reader to explore this mysterious alternate universe. As the author of “Try”, which is also a story that delves into an alternate universe similar to this one, I believe that the author is more than competent to have a go at fleshing out this universe.

Content/Plot: 5/10
Flow/Communication: 5/10
Language/Readability: 4/10
Overall: 4.7/10

<For archive purposes: 4.7/10>