Death prayer by Demonic Dragon will be the next story I will reviewing today. It appears that Spike will be the main character here, which is a refreshing change for once. Let’s see what this story has to offer, shall we?

As usual, spoilers are ahead. Knowing you, you will skip this warning…again. Why do I even bother again?

Summary

Spike has written a song for a contest in Ponyville. Little does he know what he has written could hurt those he cares about.

Content/Plot Analysis

The first thing that strikes me instinctively about the story was the usage of timestamps. While I do believe that they can help to paint a picture of the environment of the situation the characters are thrust into, the larger problem is the relative redundancy that was immediately apparent to me. Oftentimes, the author repeats the time of day of the scene, or the location in the paragraph following the timestamp. I found that the timestamps did not serve an absolutely pivotal purpose in the story itself, as they were not used aptly to signify a change in the perspective of the characters, for instance. Even if the timestamps were used to emphasize the sheer length of time that has passed, I struggle to understand why the author wishes to do so at the junctures he/she has executed this. These timestamps could easily be replaced by simple linking phrases that would link paragraphs together with a relation to time, and that would be more than sufficient in the context of this story, I posit.

In fact, I found that redundancy was to be the order of the day in the story. The author spends a lot of development on the descriptions of the Mane Six in Ponyville near the introduction of the story, which I found to be, by and large, unnecessary in this case. I do not think that it was worthwhile to go into the strict details of the colors, the mane styles or their own personalities, as I think that most, if not all of the readers on this site, would be more than conversant on these. These descriptions seemed to only serve as a form of shrubbery in the piece, which certainly weakened the engagement the story would have on the readers, regrettably.

Moving on, when the Mane Six was reading Spike’s song, the copious amount of development to showcase how the Mane Six broke out in tears when reading the piece one by one was concerning. The development of this was incredibly tunnel-visioned, as it was centered on each character specifically without noting the rest, or the environment surrounding her.

Ultimately, this observation was true throughout the story, which impacted the overall pacing of the piece. Reading the piece came off to be choppy, in spite of the dialogue between the characters helping to anchor the flow of the story more concretely. Unfortunately, this made it a challenge for me to catch a grip on the logic and the communication of the story, which hurt the story’s engagement and appeal.

I would like to explore a specific part of the story: the part in which Spike was trying to explain to the Mane Six why he chose to write a song that was so dark and bleak in scope. It was shockingly sudden to me when Spike came out and shouted the following–

“Because,” Spike then growled loudly; before he claw-palmed himself, “Quote the raven!” He suddenly shouted.

It was so sudden and surprising to me that, when I read this part of the story, I was struggling to understand what Spike was trying to say. It did not help when Spike continued to shout “Quote the raven!” numerous times before Fluttershy, of all ponies, knew what he was referring to. I joined the rest of the Mane Six in bewilderment as I read the piece, as I failed to comprehend what Spike was pointing at, at least until Spike explained that he was trying to emulate the works of Edgar “Allen” Poe in the human world.

Granted, I believe that the author wants Spike to jump and show his point hintingly to the rest of the Mane Six, hoping that they would catch that reference that he was trying desperately to make. However, the fact that this was not layered or foreshadowed that Spike intends to execute this in the first place made his sudden outbursts rather illogical. I wished that the author could have shown that Spike was intending to do something like this, perhaps by showing his thoughts and emotions before sprinting into his outburst.

More surprising to me was the fact that Fluttershy was the only pony who was able to decipher Spike’s almost random outburst with almost no context whatsoever. I was surprised that Twilight did not make out that reference, and she was definitely the biggest bookworm of the group!

However, I think that the author wishes to stick to this chain of logic. Discord was capable of transiting between dimensions, and he must have brought books of Edgar “Allen” Poe from the human world to this realm. As he was close to Fluttershy, I believe that he must have gifted these books to her first, rather than Twilight. Of course, Fluttershy could have borrowed these books to Twilight too, after she was done reading it, but the story could have occurred before this was possible.

Anyways, in spite of the Mane Six’s plea for Spike to not recite that song, Spike remains adamant. And when Spike recites the song or poem to the crowd, the story pushes for the characters in the story, including the musicians Vinyl and Octavia, to cry. Additionally, and I’m not kidding here –

All the way in Canterlot; Princess Celestia is shown. She jumped as she felt a tear escape from one of her eyes. Slowly she brought her hoof up and wiped it away before she looked out of a window. She was looking directly towards Ponyville; almost as if she knew that there was where the pain was coming from. “Spike...” She whispered.

I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry. I could understand if Spike’s words were so impactful that they would be able to make the crowd in Ponyville cry, but there is no doubt in my mind that Princess Celestia, hailing from all the way in Canterlot, was incapable of experiencing that sadness seeping kilometers and kilometers away in Ponyville. I do not believe that Princess Celestia was that omnipresent.

However, the style in which the poem or song was recited to the crowd did not inspire much emotional girth for me personally. The crowd’s reactions came off to be influenced by the convenience of the plot, rather than deriving from the details in plot, or in Spike’s words in this case. Hence, the crowd’s reaction was not exactly genuine or authentic to the reader.

I wished that the author was able to describe Spike’s actions, emotions and thoughts while he was reading his piece. I am certain that trickles of reflective thought would at least be seen through his body language or conveyed in his own thoughts. That would help to spice up the impact the poem or song would have on the reader, and make the crowd’s reaction to his piece more believable, if at all.

After Spike was done reciting, the winners of the competition were selected, and Spike clearly won. However, when Spike woke up on the next day after the competition, there was, and I quote,

At first, he saw nothing but a rather large midnight-blue blur. But after he blinked his eyes a couple of times. He was finally able to make out a rather large alicorn; which looked like a combination of Princess Luna, and Princess Celestia. The strange part was that it's cutie mark was a heart with the infinity symbol in the middle. He gasped loudly as he quickly backed away from the alicorn. His eyes going wide with slight fear.

The story quickly explains that this alicorn was a fusion, or a combination of the Mane Six, trying to console Spike that they will all be there when he needed them. And Discord too.

The question is, why? What was the purpose of them fusing into one? Would Spike feel better if all six of them were combined into a single entity to tell him a simple message that they would like to convey? I’m perturbed, and even perplexed at this strange development of the story. I simply do not understand the reason, as much as I have tried.

Either way, after they were done consoling Spike in a single entity, Spike fell asleep to the convenience of the plot with the fused alicorn by his side. Soon after, the rest of the Mane Six and Discord went to sleep in their fused alicorn state (?) or psychological (?) state. This was rather unclear in the story, because I’m not sure whether each of the six, plus Discord, was able to sleep independently from each other in a fused alicorn state. The details of Twilight’s fusion spell were not explicitly implied or shown, and hence I’m not sure if the characters drifting into sleep was a mutually exclusive event, per se. The author’s choice to implement this “fusion” spell on the Mane Six was definitely unorthodox, but more concerning was that this made the story confusing.

The story continues with –

“Would I be considered gay if I feel pretty.”

“DISCORD!” The mane six mentally yelled.

“Okay. Okay, sorry.” Discord mentally replied back.

“I swear, if being fused with Rarity makes me wanna wear dresses. I'm gonna put myself through therapy.”

If I wasn’t lost before, I am now. The sudden break and deviation from the sadness and uplifting moments prior to this was uncalled for, and I struggle to understand the significance of this at the end of the story. I do not see how this would add or signify or emphasize any aspect of the story fruitfully, and it decimates the story’s immersion with the reader.

Strangely, the story ends with the Mane Six sleeping, although the story did say that they were already asleep before this odd conversation, with Discord casting a sleep spell.

Language

The first thing that hit me when I read the story was the fact that the entire story’s text was centered. In my opinion, it was an awkward choice in formatting, though I’m not sure whether there was an intention behind it. Unfortunately, I do not see any reason for which the author might have chosen to do so stylistically. The only thing that this has done was to make the reading of the story slightly more awkward than it has to be.

Additionally, when Spike started reciting the song or poem, all of the words following that became bolded. Again, I do not see any purpose that this would serve, as the heavy usage of this has diluted its significance and emphasis in the story. Also, Spike’s recital of the song was done in parenthesis, which was another odd choice by the author. Initially, I was confused to what the words in the parenthesis actually mean in the context of the story, but I soon realized that it was Spike’s poetic song. Still, I would much prefer and wish that the author could simply use quotation marks to show that those words were indeed articulated by Spike, rather than just being an aside of the story as I formerly thought.

Another concern is the constant usage of semicolons over commas in the story. Semicolons are often used to link two independent clauses that have a similar chain in thought, and are overused throughout the entire story. In most of the cases that I have seen in this story, a comma would oftentimes suffice as a good way to add a short break between the clauses in the sentence rather than adding a complementary comment with a semicolon. Some examples in which I have found that the semicolon have been misused and can be replaced with a comma can be found in the regions where the author was describing the dialogue between characters.

Either way, here is an example of one of the more salient punctuation mistakes that I have picked up –

“From what I have heard. There is an event going on at the town hall later today. If I remember correctly, it's an event for ponies who love to write songs and poems.” The alicorn answered; just as a group turned down another street.

“From what I have heard, there is an event going on at the town hall later today. If I remember correctly, it's an event for ponies who love to write songs and poems,” the alicorn answered just as a group turned down another street.

Other technical mistakes were very much abundant.

Fluttershy is shown burying her face in Discords chest.

Fluttershy buried her face in Discord’s chest.

To her left was all of her friends, who were sitting right next to one an other.

To her left was all of her friends, who were sitting right next to one another.

She was interrupted by Rarity holding up Spikes song.

She was interrupted by Rarity holding up Spike’s song.

That was when the group took notice of two pieces of paper sitting on the small chair. Causing all of them to grow confused; as the walked towards the chair.

That was when the group took notice of two pieces of paper sitting on the small chair, causing all of them to grow confused as they walked towards the chair.

“…if its a poem, will be published! But, if its a song; it will be sponsored by Musical Talents…”

“…if it’s a poem, it will be published! But, if it’s a song, it will be sponsored by Musical Talents…”

Stance

This story requires much work to shine. A major revamp should be considered to look into the content and the logic to help tie the story together more cogently. I may have been rather blunt in this review, but I sincerely believe that I have to be honest to get the point across.

Content/Plot: 1.3/10
Flow/Communication: 1/10
Language/Readability: 1.5/10
Overall: 1.3/10

<For archive purposes: 1.3/10>

7468924
Based on your assessment and a brief glimpse on my part into the story - it seems like this was a poor attempt at replicating the inherent moodiness of an Edgar Allen Poe poem without understanding how Edgar Allen Poe crafted moody poetry.

Bar the fact that the actual line in the poem is "Quoth the Raven," not "Quote," that suggests an ignorance of syntactical technique and the inherently archaic manner of speech that Poe tries to ascribe to his writing. It's also, it seems, a poor attempt at writing of suicide as a subject without any kind of awareness of its own seriousness. It neither presents or dwells upon the subject so much as elevates it into art form.

Not that there is anything inherently wrong with writing about suicide. Sylvia Plath and, yes, Edgar Allen Poe, wrote about it. Many macabre writers did. But theirs is a heaviness that reeks with authenticity, and therefore they are able to capture both the existential threat of suicide and its weight upon those left behind.

If a story wants to write about suicide, I should think it has to know that it's coming to a touchy subject, and must tread carefully else it threatens to treat it without seriousness or care. A cheesy rhyme scheme with cliched imagery and a bunch of edgy out-of-the-line suicidal ideation thoughts and feelings may be "true" to the condition, but I doubt it's "honest" to its own assessments.

Perhaps the story just doesn't know why it has to feature suicide, or the subject thereof. But then, what even is the driving force behind the story, then?