Wow, this is my first review for Reviewer's Mansion. Huh. Been out of the scene for so long that, for some reason, there's cobwebs still in my review folder. Guess it's time to dust them off!

Rainy Night is a short story that involves Spike and Thorax being a couple with a daughter of their own. It’s a slice of life that gives a backstory as to how this could even happen, along with the struggles of having a child as an interspecies couple. 

Now with that being said, let’s talk about what was good about the story.

Not using the word ‘boyfriend’. Why? It’s not a bad word, but what really caught my eye was the word ‘mate’ instead. There’s a subtle closeness there that really makes the reader feel a bit more immersed in the relationship between Spike and Thorax. It’s not much immersion, mind you, but it’s a nice touch.

The other thing that stuck out to me was how solid the pacing of the story was. Granted, it’s still a bit fast due to the jumps of time, but it tells a story from point A all the way to point B (with a few points in-between).

However, here’s where the juicy criticism begins, and there’s a lot of it.

Let’s start with something small. Word choice. There’s a whole lot of issues regarding word choice in this story. For example, I was not ready for a dragon to be described something akin to a young gentleman trying to order a drink at McDonalds:

Inside the hive slept a dragon-a mid-sized one- the dragon had purple scales and green spikes.

A mid-sized one? Why is this important to state? I particularly blame this word choice (and awkward wording within the sentence) entirely on how the story opens up, where the author tries to be vague for no reason. The opening does not need to have a vague introduction, as it is not important to allude to who is part of the story. Rather, the focus should be on alluding to what the tragedy was, and how that affects the characters as they learn the struggles of parenthood. I can say for certain that the soft balance of positivity in the dragon-changeling hybrid’s birth, to the contrast of what appears to be the other hatchlings dying was a good choice, but how those sections are executed ruins what could have been a strong piece. Besides, the characters are stated in both the short description, and the long description. So why do we need to be vague about it, let alone sounding like we’re trying to order from the dollar menu?

The word choice issues do not stay within the confines of the opening of the story. In fact, they are throughout the entire fic, which makes it hard to ignore the errors when every sentence feels like it’s missing a word. This story really deserves an editor, as the concept itself is not a terrible one. Surely it needs a bunch of space and a lot more depth, but that is something that is developed as a writer. To the author, continue writing and make sure you have someone who is willing to look over your work and give you some advice. Here are the reasons why:

The King of the Changelings’ power?

Apparently, since Thorax was the king of the changelings now. he gained one special power. The power to shift between his species sex. Although he couldn't turn his whole body female. He could still change his reproductive system.

I didn’t know that being king meant that you alone can only change your sex. Creativity can be quite a burden if it is not considered, for a moment, that the creative concept may become more of a comedic element than a serious one. Seriously? Only the King of the Changelings can change their sex? Not all the underlings that have been shown to change their body types in the show? I don’t know why but this seems like a stretch of headcanon here, one that I cannot buy into. It made me laugh, which is something I don't think the author wanted the readers to do. If they did, then perfect, you achieved the acquired effect, but this brought that soft intro into a full blown intense belly laugh, one that I couldn’t help but say ruined my immersion into what was supposed to be a sad scene later on in the fic.

Vomiting?

I am not sure what purpose this served to the story other than to show morning sickness in pregnancies, but I was not ready for the comedic element that poor Twilight gets unfortunately roped up into. Thorax, being the pregnant love bug in the story, wakes up and has the sudden urge to vomit. Unfortunately, he does not have much time to decide, and rushes to the window to puke out it. Even more unfortunate was Twilight, who just so happened to be walking right where Thorax was about to make a splash.

Put it this way: vomit was all up in her mane, and it was gross.

Now, yet again, I am going to bounce this whole sequence off the previous section, and I’m going to make something clear. I am not saying comedy elements are bad for a sad story. In fact, it allows for a story with sad elements to have a bit of balance before the sudden cascade of emotions are to befall the reader. The problem is there’s no setup for this sadness to occur, so when I get to the sad part (which is addressed in the next section), I am still overcoming outburst after outburst of laughter I am feeling. There’s no sadness even in the back of my mind, so this comes as more of a joke to me than anything, which is ultimately and coincidentally, sad.

The only good part of this scene was the fact that, out of all the sequences in this entire fic, this scene had an okay Spike characterization. I could totally see Spike say something like this to Twilight:

Spike waved a nervous claw, “Hey, Twilight,” He grinned and chuckled nervously, “Um, love what you're doing with your mane.”

Granted, it’s a bit too awkward, but it’s still a really strong line that sounded like Spike. I wish the story had captured this sound a bit more.

Also:

“I told you my Pinkie sense was acting up today.” Pinkie pie giggled at her messy friend; who looked at her in annoyance.

Now I’m feeling sick to my stomach!

Thorax’s Clutch And The Tragedy

Here is where the tragedy finally hits, and honestly, it’s a pretty sad scene. Why? Well, I am going to spoiler this section in case you would like to read, but, in short, Thorax and Spike are attending the three eggs Thorax gave birth to. They are all residing in this clutch that they have, and every so often they nuzzle them, making sure they are still kicking. After a few hours pass, Thorax checks again, only to realize that they’re dead. There’s this sudden anguish that prevails through the scene, which, although over-the-top and stereotypical, still gets the point across. However, not only does the comedic tone from the get-go of the story destroy what impact would have happened, but the fact that we don’t know why the two other siblings died could really turn a reader away from the story. For me, the impact of these deaths were lost on me, as my laughter once again took over due to this line (spoilers):

A smell he prayed he would never smell again. The smell of death, “No,” Tears began to form in his eyes, “My, My babies, no!”

This particular section really hammers home that sense of loss, however it was lost on me as it read like a Hallmark B-rated drama, where the lines are exaggerated to the point of losing its impact. This is where the idea of valuing one's details and one’s voice kicks in. Many authors struggle with this at first, so it is not uncommon. However, the tone from the previous sections, and the tone of which it is presented makes Thorax sound like a completely different character.

This, primarily, is where that characterization hits rock bottom. Spike and Thorax do not sound like Spike and Thorax. The only true characterization that sounds remotely similar to the show stems from Twilight and Pinkie, which is saying a lot since they are considered secondary in this story. You could replace Spike and Thorax with any character made from scratch and there would be no difference.

In addition to the lack of characterization, once again, there are way too many comedic elements, which overshadow the sad tragedy that just befell on these characters. In fact, I would say this is more of a comedy than anything:

“Just, look,” Spike said as he moved closer to his mate. In his claws, he held the small form of a newborn dragon-changeling hybrid. It whined and whimpered gently as Thorax shot to his hooves.

“It's alive!” Thorax gasped in happiness as Spike nodded.

Nice Frankenstein reference!

Final Thoughts

The rest of the story seems to follow a simple track: because of these events (the tragedy and the struggles of parenthood), Spike and Thorax have learned a lot about themselves and their daughter. There are a couple cute scenes that are designed to make us feel better about the loss of her siblings. Heck, there’s even a song that the author provided, which props once again are given to them for even putting one in. The story ends with some kissing and them falling asleep again.

It’s a fairly simple tale that has a concept that could’ve been better executed. In fact, it deserves to be a better story, since the author’s idea is not far off. There needs to be more of a vision here, one that’s clear and not riddled with errors, comedic relief when there’s no need for it in the first place, and word choice and awkward sentence errors that hamper the story’s perspective. This may be a hard pill to swallow for the author, and I hope that they continue to write to improve their writing. Improvement requires effort, and I think they have a foundation to work with here, but this one is not fully constructed, nor does it have all the bells and whistles that make a story like this appealing to read.

Final Score

Grammar: 1/3
Creativity: 2/5 
Characterization: 0/5 
Flow: 3/5 
Impact: 1/7 
Overall: 7/25 Needs work.

<For archiving purposes: 2.8/10>

If you would like to see my rubric, please navigate to this thread!

7404779
I'll take my dragon large with a side of fries.

7404791
You forgot to order your drink, sir.

7404827
A medium please

at least we learned the size classification of dragons!

7405113
A medium...?