Welcome to WAR! I am SwordTune, the manager, representative, only employee, and sole proprietor of “We Are Reviews, SP.” Fresh off the factory line, today we have a review for “Apple Moon,” by JPHyperX. 

EApple Moon

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Mystery
• Sad

Apple Bloom gets banished to the moon by accident.

• Apple Bloom

JPHyperX · 4.1k words  ·  49  3 · 1.2k views

Plot Analysis: With three chapters, the story follows a fairly straightforward three-act structure which introduces the reader to Applebloom’s sudden and inexplicable predicament: being stuck on the moon. Do not mistake straightforward to mean that the story is simple, however. There are twists and turns within each chapter, building a picture within the reader’s mind only to rearrange that mental image and recontextualize the meaning of the events. As a short story, these turns happen fairly quickly, and if you are skimming through the story you just might miss when they happen.

Characters: With a small number of characters, every player within this story stands out. To make a chess metaphor, there are no pawns in this story. Written in a third-person close perspective, Applebloom takes centre stage and the audience is constantly going through what she is thinking and feeling. However, in keeping with the theme of the story, Applebloom’s character takes on a surprisingly passive nature compared to how she might act in the show. This recharacterization is necessary, however, as the premise of the story is that Applebloom is facing a problem that is completely out of her control.

Things simply happen to Applebloom. And the characters around her support this. There are familiar faces and new ones here on this moon, and the author uses them to provide new information or changes to the plot. But that needs to be expanded upon the dialogue section.

Dialogue: There are very few conversations throughout the story. Because of the fast and short pace, the story does not take time to have many exchanges between Applebloom and her characters. Most of the dialogue is exposition or exposition-like. Applebloom’s character changes throughout the three chapters are entirely dependent on what is being told to her, and from whom. This can be a strength, as it reinforced the sense of loneliness that comes from being stranded on the moon. The characters do not behave like characters, they have little wants or motivations. They exist purely for Applebloom’s sake. This is a thematic strength, surely, but it is also a weakness. The dialogue can feel stale or stiff, which makes it harder for the reader to sympathise with all the emotions that the story says Applebloom is feeling.

Overall: Final score is 5/10. Enjoying this story comes down to a coin flip. It is paced too fast, feeling choppy and frankly dull to read if it wasn’t for the twists and themes within the plot itself. The story handles a character who is forced into isolation and presents the extreme illusions that can cover up the loneliness. Despite being an interesting idea and seemingly well thought out, the story fails in its execution. 

For the Author: To improve this story, I would recommend a full revision. The plot can remain as it is, however, there are far too many awkward sentences or even paragraphs. Generally, it is the sentence structure or the word choice that causes the awkwardness, and these moments compound until they chop up the flow of the narration. The bottom line is this: this story was very difficult to want to read despite having an interesting plot and premise.
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For the Reader: Be prepared to be confused on a first-pass reading. If you do not stop to reread certain paragraphs, you might be tripped up. This is because the story suffers from awkward sentences and a stochastic flow. A lot of times, things simply happen, and reading those passages can feel like you are reading a list of actions and events rather than a story.

<For archive purposes: 5/10>