EBefore the problem......

• MLP: FiM
• Random
• Slice of Life

A little backstory to: everypony loves Twilight.

• Twilight
• Starlight Glimmer

Leafy · 1k words  ·  28  3 · 528 views

Summary: How did everypony love twilight? Why is the book: Love in the summertime a part of this? Why do I have to write this? No idea! Read to find out!

Initial thoughts: Let's address the fact this is a sequel. I didn't read the original so I'm going to judge this as its own stand alone story. First of all the summary is...badly written. It's already telling us basically what will happen. A summary is supposed to "hook" the reader, to get you invested in the plot, and be curious to dive in for more. What is the problem here? The summary is not hooking me at all. Why does everypony love Twilight, why is the book important, and why is the author trying to tell us this in such a way?
The summary may not be that great, but with some rework it could easily hook the reader and invest them in this tale. However, the story does still have issues, minor ones like typos, and being repetitive, but with some work this could be easily fixed and make the story more impactful to its audience. 5/10

Heart of the story :The heart of any story is the focus, and in this case it's about the relationship between Twilight and Starlight. Granted this relationship could be interesting, but this story didn't convince me. Firstly, it's a back and forth between Twilight and Starlight's inner thoughts to why the other is acting so "off" First problem here is that you need to pick one character to focus on, and not have inner thoughts of another character. 5/10.

Characterization: Starlight and Twilight are the two characters here, and neither of them are really acting like themselves. Twilight is not one to avoid a problem. Sure, confessing her love for Starlight might seem hard, but I can't picture her being this awkward about it, she'd try to frame the conservation in a light that starts out with how much Starlight has grown, and then lead into her confession, rather than avoiding the problem. Now Starlight, she is known for having issues with admitting her feelings, but that's not the problem here. The problem is she just waits. Starlight is a mare of action. She'd pressure Twilight, get her to open up, and none of that happens here. Neither character to me feels like themselves. It's like the author was taking the basic premise of Twilight being in love with Starlight, and not really knowing how to characterize this in an impactful way. To improve, the author should consider how they would act in the show rather than having them forced to fit this plot. There's potential here, and with some work this could be a more compelling story. 5/10.

Writing/Grammar: The writing of Before the Problem is very repetitive, very "telly" that's when you tell the reader what is going on rather than showing it. Show versus tell is a very hard thing to grasp, and I still struggle with it myself. Keep practicing and you’ll pick up tricks and ways to convey body language and inner thoughts without telling it. Now onto the grammar. I'm mostly going to point out as many of the misspellings as I can, for I am not a grammar nazi.
Errors-
"Yup! Besides, if you read Daring do, then you can obviously read this! Besides, nothing can go wrong...... Right?"
Correct version. "Yup! Besides if you read Daring Do, then you can obviously read this! Besides, nothing can go wrong...
"Oh! Okay then! Go on Starlight! Let me know which one was your favorite!" Twilight had been spaceing out most of today, only because of one thought: she had feelings for Starlight. Starlight had grown worried for Twilight, so she put the book's down with her magic to talk to Twilight.
spacing*
"Hey Twilight? Is everything okay? You haven't been your self the entire day. What's wrong?" Starlight asked with pure consern in her voice.
concern*
"I'm fine Starlight. Just ya know..... The usual. Nothing much really." Twilight was never a person to lie, but she did today, and she felt guilty about it. Lieing to her friend.... Not good for the princess of Friendship.
lying*
Starlight looked at Twilight with a saddened look. She wanted to help, but Twilight said she was fine when she clearly isn't, but went with the flow. So without a doubt, Starlight picked up her book's and left the library, leaving Twilight by her self.
herself*
Some time had passed since Starlight left Twilight in the library by her self, and Celestia's sun was setting and Luna's moon was rising. Twilight had been reading some book's to pass the time....... And to wash away the gult she had. She should have never lied to her, now, who knows what might happen?
herself*
guilt*
These are the main issues I noticed, if I missed any that is my fault, but I did my best to show what needs fixed.
5/10

Originality/Execution: There isn't much to discuss here, this story has been done before and to far better execution and clearly the author was inspired by another's work. I can't say much about the story it was based on, but I feel the author of this story could have done more to make this story unique. 5/10

Overall thoughts and feedback: I think the author wanted this to be a cute little oneshot about the bond between Starlight and Twilight. First things first, if the author gets an editor to help work out the minor issues and improves upon the summary the story can be a lot better than what it is now. Consider this like an outline. You've got a plot here, you've got characters here, now show us what you want us to see with body language and you can even use italics to convey inner thoughts without coming off as "telly"

Final score: 5+5+5+5+5=25/50
5/10

To the author: Keep the idea/plot and always remember where you started so that when you improve you can see how far you've come. I believe there is potential in everyone.
To the reader: This story unfortunately comes off as a bit of a mess, but with an editor and a bit of work it can be a great little oneshot with a lot of emotion to it. Give this a chance if you like the bonding of Twilight and Starlight.

Headpat worthy:
Boop worthy:
Needs Work:: Yes.