TThe Hero Club

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Mystery
• Slice of Life

After being charged with assault, young Gusty Breeze is released into the care of an estranged aunt. The last thing she wants is to get in trouble again. Unfortunately for her, circumstances have other plans.

• Alt. Universe
• OC

Mind Jack · 46k words  ·  34  2 · 698 views

A young filly with anger issues is sent to her aunt for rehabilitation following her arrest for assault with a deadly weapon. We follow her as she makes friends, attends school, and tries to use her unusual temper for good.

Opening Thoughts

Okay.

I'm writing this before I even crack chapter one because I want to give my full and complete statement of personal bias before I have a chance to sneakily bury it in the depths of a detailed review.

If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's stories precisely like this. "Kid gang solves a mystery" is to me what Daring Do is to Rainbow Dash. Your Stranger Things, your Super 8, your Night in the Woods, your It. I'm like a dog with a bone when it comes to this stuff. So it is with sheer, unmitigated glee that I approach this story, because it ticks every single one of my personal boxes. Whether this means I go easier or harder on the story is, quite honestly, yet to be seen - but I do want to put myself forward as… I don't know, some sort of obsessive expert in an absurdly specific genre. I've seen, read, and played them all. 

With that disclaimer out of the way, I'd like to add that this piece features a cast of entirely OCs, and so a lot of care will be aimed towards characterization scoring. In general, I look for stories with an all-OC cast to show a distinct “opening act” where we get to know the characters as they are, followed by some sort of character development in later acts. This “opening act” is critical, and often left out of fanfic where we already know the characters - I don’t need to be introduced to Pinkie Pie. I do need to be introduced to your OC.

At the time of reading, this fiction is incomplete. This review will cover the first six chapters: “Nothing Like a Fresh Breeze” - “A Hero’s Work is Never Fun”. The majority of this review will focus on the first five chapters, as they contain one cohesive story. The sixth chapter kicks off a new arc, and so is difficult to judge against the package that is the first five. More on this later!

Plot/Concept

A quick spoiler warning: I’m going to start this review by giving a rundown of the whole plot, as I think it’s important to start this review holistically. I’m not holding back at all - if you want the spoiler-free version, skip down to “final thoughts”. Continue at your own peril!

Our story begins with a young filly arriving at the stoop of an unfamiliar mansion in an unfamiliar town. Her name is Gusty, she is about 12 years old, and she was recently arrested on a count of assault with a deadly weapon.

She has been delivered here, to this towering mansion, to be cared for by her aunt Daffodil. Aunt Daffodil is an odd duck, and takes pride in her “projects” - troubled kids who she works to rehabilitate. By all accounts, she had had great success, to the point where her biological daughter (an earth pony named Boomer) sees these juvenile delinquents merely as occasional nuisances flitting in and out of her life.

We quickly come to understand that Gusty has some serious anger issues, all centering around an obsession with the Book of Heroes, a collection of stories which tout lessons of truth, justice, and - yes - heroism in the face of evil. Despite this, she does her best to make friends and overcome her past… until, that is, her new friends become the target of a mysterious blackmailer.

Gusty, Boomer, and a trouble-making unicorn by the name of Snake Eyes work together to reveal the identity of the blackmailer and save their hometown from evil, thereby becoming the heroes in Gusty’s book. In a twist, it turns out the blackmailer is their own school teacher, Mr. Wonderbread. He doesn’t have the money for his son's hospital bills, and decided to target the students who knew so much about for a little extra pocket change. He is hauled off to prison by the school security guard, his ex-wife.

With the villain successfully behind bars, the fillies realize that they can be the heroes in Gusty’s book! They form The Hero Club, a group founded on the principle that kids need to be believed and defended.

This is an entirely truthful summary of the story I read. And yet, it is unexpectedly misleading.

What genre or tone would you expect from a story like this? It’s tagged as mystery and drama… a gritty crime thriller? Euphoria, but with 12-year-olds? That would be a reasonable assumption!

It’s… not that.

This is, explicitly and implicitly, a superhero story.

These kids have superpowers. Actual superpowers.

Mr. Wonderbread’s son was put in the hospital by a supervillain.

Snake Eyes is friends with two additional adult supervillains who regularly rob the local bank.

Aunt Daffodil is explicitly textually identified as a mad scientist.

I cannot overemphasize how much of a superhero story this is. From the plot structure, to the lessons learned, to the style of humor, it is a superhero story. Characters use things like freeze rays to fight children at the market, and are referred to as supervillains by adult characters with all of their mental faculties intact.

It’s a superhero story. It is intended to be a superhero story.

I want to talk about this because, as you may have guessed from my opening thoughts, it’s not at all what I expected when I started to read this fic. I thought I was getting into something rather dark and gritty. I slowly realized over the course of my reading (as is evident in my notes) that this was something else entirely.

And here’s the thing: when I thought I was getting a gritty crime drama, I was disappointed. When I realized I was getting a superhero story, I actually had a lot of fun.

There are a lot of elements of this story - the characterization, the humor, the pacing - that are problematic in one, but much more tolerable in the other. Many of these elements will be covered later, but I’d like to discuss the plot and execution separate from these parts before tying it all together in the end.

The plot is undeniably dark. The idea of a teacher using his position to wheedle money out of underprivileged students in order to save his own suffering son is disturbing and sad. These kids, all thrust into power and responsibility at such a young age, evoke that parental need to protect them in a reader. And yet, the execution of said plot points is… undeniably gimmicky and goofy in the way comic books tend to be. Wonderbread’s predicament is played for a joke in the end, the bad situations these kids come from are more used as fuel to power them through the plot, and so on. In a lot of ways, it reads like a story written for kids the same age as the protagonists!

Of course, there are a lot of elements that borrow directly from the grander superhero canon. The formation of a group explicitly titled The Hero Club as a landing point for the whole opening story feels quite like the formation of the justice league or the avengers. The first chapter following Wonderbread’s arrest covers a rapidfire series of small-time cases the club manages to solve (like a friendly neighborhood spiderman saving a cat from a tree). Their powers are frequently played for laughs - Gusty’s “hulking out” can be comically over-the-top, and is used in lighter moments as a “threat” against friends, Boomer’s uncontrollable explosions have great comedic timing, and Snake Eyes’, uh… duality is a recurring joke throughout the first mystery.

In a lot of ways, it works. In some ways, I found myself disappointed that we didn’t have time to probe some of the darker aspects of the plot. Personally, I found this harder to get past in terms of characterization… but we’ll get to that. I have two other, somewhat separate plot-related issues I’d like to talk about before we get there: the call to action, and the red herring.

The traditional hero’s journey always includes a call to action. It’s the point when the protagonist decides to leave behind their normal life in pursuit of some sort of quest - Frodo leaving the Shire, Harry receiving his letter from Hogwarts, Twilight being sent to Ponyville. For superheroes, the call to action comes in the origin story. These both happen on an individual level (how did each hero get their powers?) and on a group level (what brought the suicide squad together?). This story has great individual origin stories. We get to dig into each character’s powers and motivations in turn, and each is given an appropriate level of detail. It’s the group origin story that didn’t quite work for me.

This story is about unlikely heroes. Trouble-making kids who are brought together because only they can solve the case. Other kids are being blackmailed, only these kids believe them, and they have superpowers. This should be the call to action! This should be the thing that brings them together, however begrudgingly, to work as a team. But, by the time kids start being blackmailed, our lead cast has already worked through their issues and become friends. It’s a bit of a letdown in terms of narrative tension - the whole “unlikely hero” angle often comes along with a certain level of infighting as the heroes are forced together, but this has all been resolved before the mystery starts. It isn’t a dealbreaker, but it does make me stop and wonder how much more drama could have been milked from the inter-group conflict had the resolution held off a bit longer.

That about covers the superhero angle, leaving the mystery.

Honestly, the mystery is great. I had a wonderful time reading it, I think a lot of elements used along the way (talking with victims, chasing suspects, breaking into crime scenes) were incredibly effective, and overall it had a tight resolution - rare on a site with so many unfinished fics, and even rarer in a fic that is yet unfinished itself! There was, however, an issue that stood out to me and any other avid mystery-reader: an overtly obvious red herring.

For the uninitiated, the red herring is a clue, suspect, or other narrative device meant to distract the reader (and the detective) from the true solution to the case. A good mystery story has a wide cast of potential suspects with a few red herrings in the mix, allowing the readers plenty to speculate on as the detective thins the herd through investigation. This story presents that beautifully, but the herd-thinning happens too quickly.

There comes a point in the story where the not-yet-named hero club has gathered a plethora of convincing evidence (including many eloquently written blackmail letters), and knows for certain that the blackmailer works for the school. This reveal in and of itself is great - our heroes now cannot trust anyone in their own school! It’s oppressive and scary, especially if you’re 12 years old. The issue is, at this point in the story, we know a grand total of two employees at the school: Mr. Wonderbread, a goody-four-shoes english teacher, and Pepper Spray, a belligerent security guard with an ax to grind against our heroes.

Hm.

Again, for avid mystery readers, it’s fairly obvious at this point that Pepper Spray (not at all well-spoken or sneaky) couldn’t possibly be some master blackmailer, and that, in a shocking twist, it must be Mr. Wonderbread. The author wouldn’t pull some new character out of the great blue yonder at the reveal - that’s against the rules of a good mystery. Everything points to Wonderbread… and yet the characters pursue Pepper Spray for another two chapters. Had we known more school employees (perhaps 4-5), the reveal would have held more weight.

Honestly, though, it's really easy to sit here and criticize a perfectly good mystery story just because I happened to solve it before the protagonists. As I said, the plot itself is fantastic, and the reveal ties everything together very neatly. I offer this only as advice for an author looking at writing serial mysteries: a big cast is crucial. I would even say that allowing your readers to narrow down to two potential perpetrators is too few. It can be troublesome introducing so many characters, but it will make your solutions all the more satisfying for your audience. This way, you're actually sating their curiosity, rather than confirming their guess.

In the end, that’s a whole lot of words to say that this fic is about a group of kid superheroes solving a well-plotted little mystery. While I think it suffers from a bit of tonal clash, particularly during the opening chapters, it finds its footing quickly and absolutely sticks the landing (even if you happen to solve the case first).

4 / 5

Pacing/Length

I don’t have a whole lot to say on this point, largely because it’s clear that the author put a lot of thought into how and when plot elements were revealed leading to the resolution in chapter five. The first case makes a great read, each chapter has a satisfying beginning-middle-end structure that (even with tantalizing cliffhangers) allowed me to put the fic down between chapters without losing the thread, and it all comes in a package that is just the right size. Had it been drug out for more words, the resolution might not have been “big” enough, and any fewer would have eliminated the important in-between moments that reveal and develop character.

While I was occasionally frustrated by the choppiness of scene-to-scene transitions, it honestly mimics a superhero comic’s “smash cuts” to new locations, so I can’t really be all that mad. It’s a stylistic choice, and it doesn’t leave anything important out, so credit where credit is due on making something like that work.

That said, I do want to mention the latest chapter, “A Hero’s Work is Never Fun”. This is, for all intents and purposes, a “montage” of the newly-formed Hero Club solving problems around town. While I can see the narrative purpose for something like this, the problems discussed are far too big to be covered in the rapid-fire manner this chapter delivers. The investigation of an orphan-abusing teacher takes just under 3k words to introduce and wrap up (I assumed this was going to be the next mystery arc for how much narrative weight it was given), they track down a stolen manuscript while teaching us an original card game in the following 1.5k words, meet Gusty’s direct family in the next 1k words, landing on the reveal that Wonderbread is plotting revenge in just 700 words. 

That’s… a lot.

Refraining from making assumptions about unpublished chapters, the change from a well-plotted mystery to this ever-increasing pace in the final chapter makes me wary about what the future of this story might look like. However, I have faith that this is a momentary bump in the road and it will be back on track soon enough!

4 / 5

Characterization

This story sets itself up to be equal parts character-driven and plot-driven. That’s a rare and, in all honesty, unnecessary complication in a mystery story - a good friend of mine calls them “literary junk food” specifically because they rarely include anything beyond the mystery to dig into.

So, when it comes to the issues with characterization… I’m split.

Looking at it from an angle of contributing directly to the mystery, the characters support that brilliantly. Revealing their flaws to one another brings them together, and them being together is what allows the mystery to be solved. I can appreciate that.

However, as much as I want to leave it at that, the character-driven elements are important. This was the part of the story that let me down the most, as I had an expectation (based on the description, cover image, and tags) that this was going to have a lot of depth and care afforded to the characters. Unfortunately, I think the story suffers a bit by following superhero conventions, leaving more complicated explorations of childhood trauma behind.

The heroes, though complex, are entirely motivated through their own desire to do good. Snake Eyes is a pickpocket only because her mom can’t afford to pay rent, and she is sure to only steal bits from ponies “who can afford to lose a little money”. Boomer has a talent with explosives, but outright refuses to use it for anything genuinely destructive. Gusty, of course, has extraordinary power lurking behind her anger, and yet follows the strict moral code in her book. 

The villains, by contrast, are largely two-dimensional obstacles for the protagonists to fight their way through. Pepper Spray presents as a comically evil mare okay with abusing children, Wonderbread is a pathetic piece of crap, et cetera.

I think there was an instinct to then add some emotional depth by showing the softer sides of the kids, but it comes across as just… odd. These kids have serious issues - walls they’ve put up over many years - but we see Gusty break down in tears in chapter one.

While I do think that kids can be wishy-washy and immature, Gusty’s constant search for comfort clashes with her anger issues. I have trouble squaring the soft, hurt filly who is the victim of circumstance with someone who has literally supernatural levels of anger.

I’ll compare to the hulk - Bruce Banner is “mild-mannered” because he is trying to keep his other side under control. Any sort of outburst will cause “the other guy” to come out. Gusty’s duality doesn’t have a good narrative support, and so comes across as competing. For a juvenile delinquent, I feel like Gusty is being painted in an overly positive light. She seems to have good control of her emotions, is not impulsive, and makes very competent, measured arguments. I’m still hoping that we will see a different side of her, but she just feels too perfect - a delinquent in name only.

This pattern follows for the other main kids. Despite being explicitly told that they’re no-good troublemakers - and the plot hinging on the fact that no adult would trust or believe them - they all seem to simultaneously have great control over their troublemaking habits, and frequently slip into a very little-kid need for comfort and affection. Gusty swings between uncontrollable crying breakdowns and anger within single scenes, which would be enough confusion, but she also seems to be perfectly willing to spill her guts to anyone who will listen. Snake goes from being sassy and rude at the dinner table one minute to running off crying and needing a snuggle the next. It’s a frustrating quality in a mystery story, as the obligatory once-per-chapter spilling of the beans dissolves tension. 

On the one hand, I get that kids can be like that - especially at that age. I can't say it isn't realistic. I can't even say with certainty that I wasn't like that myself at 12 years old! On the other hand, it’s not doing the actual story any favors. It’s one of those times when realism might not be the best solution. Especially when many other aspects of the story are deliberately simplified (to great success!!), it would make sense to simplify these characters - especially so early in the story as were are getting to know their "act one" selves. We need a firm starting point so that we can appreciate how much the characters grow and change!

Which brings me to my other issue: character development. 

In order to show progression from one state to another, we as readers need to understand the starting point. Fluttershy is a good example: she’s very soft-spoken and easily frightened, never raising her voice to anyone or anything for the first few episodes of the show. When she then busts out some genuine anger and frustration at the dragon in episode 7, we as an audience can be surprised and proud of her progress.

Following this idea, when you have a leading trio of characters who seem to ping-pong all over the place with respect to emotion, demonstrating genuine character development is nearly impossible. We have no idea where our characters are starting, and so we can’t be certain they’re making progress. Taking Gusty as an example, we learn in the first chapter that she assaulted someone, nearly killing them. This would seem to communicate anger issues as a primary concern, a fundamental character flaw that we wanted to see addressed. However, we also watch her break down in tears for two hours, and spill “pretty much every bad moment she’d had in recent memory” to her aunt, who she hardly knows. So… what are we meant to think about her as a character?

It sometimes seems like an oversimplification, especially when you’re writing anything more narratively complex than the average filler episode of FiM, but holding characters to an archetype early can really bolster their complexity as it is revealed later. Applejack’s stubborn habit of overworking herself is bolstered by the reveal that her parents died when she was young. Luna’s tendency towards isolation and self-hatred is bolstered by the reveal of the tantabus. 

All of these interesting character details are perfectly valid, they just need to be revealed a little more thoughtfully, and at a slower pace. Otherwise, your readers won’t get the catharsis of Gusty’s big cry, or Snake’s need for a hug.

3 / 5

Writing Quality

This is another section where I honestly have very little to say. The writing in this story is of a very high quality, with few mistakes, a solid grasp of grammar and technical skills, and a style that matches the content. I wouldn't expect anything less from someone who edits for a living!

I do have one little thing I'd like to talk about in terms of style, though. This is a superhero story, and superhero means action. There are a few action sequences in this story, most notably the chase scene at about the halfway point and the final fight at the school, but unfortunately they just didn't land for me.

I've discussed action sequences before, as a lot of people (by their own admission) struggle with writing them in general or just don't "feel good" about the final product. I'll be first in line to say that action sequences are really really difficult - they are, by their very nature, hard to communicate in words because so few words are used in a visual sequence! Especially considering that this story borrows so heavily from comic books, it's easy to see how something might get lost in translation.

As an example, there's a segment of the chase scene which takes place in a sewer. This segment lasts about two paragraphs, and is technically described very well:

Her hooves landed in a river of sewage, making her shudder with disgust, but it wasn't enough to distract her. She looked around, having to squint to see in the dim lighting provided by the opening above. If it was dark for her, then Nopony and their shades should be practically blind. Nevertheless, she soon heard rapid splashes trailing off in one direction and flew after them.

Flying in a sewer was not easy, and chasing somepony through one was even harder, with all the twists, turns, and intersections. Gusty was becoming increasingly worried about losing Nopony, when she spotted them clambering up a ladder. Her next charge was so close to catching Nopony, when another bright flash stunned her. Down in the dark it was even worse. She was almost completely blind as she felt her way up the ladder.

This is definitely a well-written sequence, but it lacks a certain speed that makes chase sequences exciting. Explicitly, Gusty is moving fast and using her instincts. Implicitly, though, this scene is not written any differently than what came before it. In my experience (and I hardly claim to offer the definitive opinion on writing action sequences), a feeling of speed in the writing can really enhance the actual words you have written.

Short sentences.

Short paragraphs.

Singular clauses.

Simple words.

As I said, it is an implicit communication of a change. It tells the reader that something is different without even using actual words to say so.

It’s a small thing, but perfecting action sequences in a superhero story should become a priority. Moments like these should feel different. Again: there is nothing “wrong” with they way they are written, but I do believe they could be improved.

4 / 5

Je Ne Sais Quoi

It is here that, unfortunately, I need to return to my expectations for this fic. I’m always torn on whether or not to include my own opinions of the work, especially as they relate to "judging a book by its cover", but I’m sure you all can see how my expectations may have colored my reading of this story.

I came into this expecting something character-focused. I’m going to try not to give specific examples, as I feel like the examples which come to mind are a little more niche than Batman or the Hulk, but there do exist mystery stories which center the characters. Are they rare? Yes. Are they great? Also yes! And I think I got my hopes up that this was going to be something much broader, grander, deeper than it is.

That isn’t to say that this story is, by any means, a bad story. In fact, I think it’s a wonderful story! It has charming characters, an interesting mystery that actually reaches its conclusion (I’ve been let down many a time on fimfic), and the promise of greater adventures on the horizon. I recommend it whole-heartedly to anyone who genuinely enjoys watching FiM, especially those who like to follow the often hapless adventures of the CMC.

Some of this is on me, and I fully recognize that. I would, however, like to suggest that the author be a little more upfront about the superhero aspects of this story. Were it a sort of darker play on superheroes, ala Unbreakable, I could understand burying the lede a bit, but the story itself is very honest about it’s super-ness! I didn't bring the words superhero, supervillain, or superpowers to the table - those are all used earnestly in the text. I truly believe that is one of its strengths, and misunderstanding its intentions for the first two chapters was a disservice to the great story you’ve told. 

The good news is it’s an easy fix: start by dropping some hints in the description, then maybe consider revisiting the early chapters and see if there are ways you can make it a little more clear that this is your intention. Allowing Gusty to refer to her assault as her “origin story” strikes me as an easy and obvious way, though I’m sure there are some more subtle ways to approach it.

That is, of course, if you want to do that! As I’ve said, this is a perfectly good story as it is. I’m just sharing my experience going into this with some misguided preconceived notions. I think entering it as primarily a mystery, supported by superhero shenanigans, would have eased my earlier concerns regarding the characters. I came into this very harsh on character development and, while my previous points still stand, I can see where this might not be your primary goal or concern while writing. Let your description and tagging reflect that!

One other thing I wanted to mention quickly is that, all in all, this story has very little to do with the FiM universe. It typically bothers me more than it did in this case, I think because the story itself was good enough that it successfully distracted me through the entire read, but to the author: there is absolutely nothing stopping you from rebranding this as an original YA mystery novel. I honestly think it would do very well as one.

4 / 5

Final Thoughts

The Hero Club was a fun surprise in more ways than one. It’s not often you find such a well-written story hiding out with so few likes! While I do think some issues relating to characterization and tonal clashing hold it back, this is still a really fun and engaging mystery, with promises of more thrilling adventures on the horizon. If you enjoy superheroes, Scooby-gang mysteries, and the CMC, this story is absolutely for you! Check it out as soon as you can and give it some much-needed love!

3.8 / 5

Hey! Thanks a bunch!

A lot of your advice will be very helpful. I'm definitely saving this to reference once I get back around to working on THC. These first few chapters were written when I had a bit less experience as a writer. So I hope to go back and improve some of it eventually.

7696168
Of course! I'm glad to know this felt constructive. I have felt a little weird about doing these reviews from fics that have been hanging around so long, simply because those authors who have remained active have certainly improved by leaps and bounds since they submitted their story! It's nice to know that, despite your personal improvement since submitting, this was still relevant and helpful.

I'm really excited to see where you take this story :) I've bookmarked it to be sure I get updates!

7696214
Currently working on an actual murder mystery with a different main character. I won't link it here, because that feels weirdly like advertising, but it's in most of my recent blogs if you wanna check it out.

I have a bad habit of leaving stories unfinished. So I'm trying really hard to finish this one before going back and doing more of my old ones.

Also, fun fact: Hero Club isn't just a superhero story. Basically, my intent when starting it was to have a world with all of the different types of heroes and villains, from the plucky kid hero to superheroes and mythological heroes like Hercules. So fair warning, it's probably gonna get a lot weirder as chapters go on.