TA Different Kind of Treasure

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Adventure
• Drama

What's the most valuable treasure in the world: Family? Money? Revenge? Love? Depends on who you ask...

• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Flitter and Cloudchaser
• Cloudchaser
• Flitter

Mechawrecker · 62k words  ·  88  4 · 1.4k views

Mechawrecker’s fic A Different Kind of Treasure follows two sisters who find their true calling in treasure-hunting. It is a stable job (with plenty of rewards), but they soon discover that the artifacts they uncover are part of a much bigger story, and set out to save the world from its impending magical doom.

Opening Thoughts

I read this fic as part of a set - having started with the standalone nsfw fic Raiding the Sisters’ Caves - and so came into this fic with some knowledge of the setup and characters already. The nsfw fic hinges entirely on an intimate relationship between Flitter and Cloudchaser, and this fic seemed to promise context on that relationship in a teen-rated story. This is actually the first note I’ve written for myself on this 62k-word fiction: “I’m interested in how the sister aspect will play into the plot - it was glossed over pretty much completely in the nsfw fic.” It was one of the things I focused on when reading and note-taking.

Other items of note were based on the tags. Tags, after all, are something of a promise to the readers - even if a story is great, it can be disappointing when it doesn’t match the expectations set by the tags and description. This fiction is tagged as adventure and romance; from my reading of the sister fic, I expected the romance to be primarily between Flitter and Cloudchaser. The description, combined with the adventure tag, also promised an Indiana Jones-esque world of treasure-hunting adventurers. This fic is also tagged as an alternate universe, though there are no hints as to what might be “alternate” in the short or long desc, and that is a mystery I was excited to uncover.

The last thing I wanted to focus on was characterization. Flitter and Cloudchaser have barely a dozen lines between them in the show, and our third starring character is an OC. It’s a crew with potential, but it also means that the author has to be skilled with establishing their personalities early on, so that we can get some catharsis from character development. Otherwise, you end up with a leading cast that comes off as wishy-washy and easily swayed; certainly not ideal for a group of “mercenary treasure hunters”. 

It’s a lot to ask, even of a 62k-word fic. I also had to consider that the fic is as yet unfinished, the most recent chapter (The Fault in Ourselves) having been published over a year ago. Despite it all, I was excited to get into this story. Adventure awaits! Let’s begin!

Plot/Concept

It’s a classic setup: treasure hunters stumble upon a magical artifact that leads them on a grander quest. One might say that it is made even better by the mercenary aspect, as our heroes are as unlikely as they get. Blend in a little romance (as no Indiana Jones film is without), and you have a recipe for something fun, suspenseful, exciting, and memorable.

Let me get a little more detailed. There’s really two stories happening side by side in this fic: there’s treasure-hunting, of course, but the primary focus of this story is the drama happening amongst the leads. Flitter and Cloudchaser were orphaned when they were young (the eldest, Cloudchaser, was only eight, and Flitter has no memory of her parents), and so have a relationship that’s much closer than between any other siblings - more on this later. In the first chapter, the sisters meet Skyfall, another treasure hunter who’s after the same prize. The three of them are forced to work together to escape a booby trap, only for Skyfall to betray the sisters and run off with the treasure.

So, again, we have this great promise of tense and compelling dynamics between our lead characters. Their meeting begins with betrayal, but they’re all pictured together in the cover art! The sisters are secretly in a relationship… how will this be revealed to Skyfall? Will it be revealed to Skyfall? These are questions that could drive whole arcs - whole stories, even! What a great place to begin!

But therein lies the issue with this fic. All of the interesting opportunities for conflict are missed in favor of a singular, constant source of friction: Flitter and Cloudchaser fighting over Skyfall.

How did the three of them end up working together? Easy, the bureau overseeing the mercenary treasure hunters declares that treasure hunters must now work in groups of three.

How did Skyfall find out that the sisters were sleeping together? Easy, they tell him with virtually no prompting.

How do they figure out how to work together? We skip ahead to when they’ve got it all figured out.

How do they find treasure? We skip to when they already have.

How do they defeat bad guys? Skip to when the battle’s over.

It happens over and over. Not every time, but enough times that it’s an expected outcome. I found myself repeatedly disappointed that the great setups were knocked over by incredibly convenient feathers before tension had even had a real chance to build. By the time I was about halfway through, I expected each new plot seed to be killed before it would ever bloom, and so the reading became something of a chore.

If I had to diagnose the issues with this fic’s plot, it would really come down to two things: lack of focus and a case of the “supposed to”s.

I’ll talk more about the issues with focus in the pacing section, but this story flip-flops from thing to thing rapidly. The chapters are short, which could be used to build tension, but each chapter is essentially standalone as they are written serially. After about 30k, some semblance of a larger story beyond “Flitter and Cloudchaser bicker” starts to develop, but it’s too little too late in terms of tying these disparate parts together. The focus is almost never on actual treasure-hunting outside of a few chapters in the middle, but the romantic bickering is still present every few paragraphs at least. Even the author admits via an author’s note that they have no idea how all this bickering is going to turn out… that isn’t promising.

If it’s a romance, that’s fine. A story can be primarily romance. But it makes the treasure-hunting feel extraneous - why bother having a treasure hunt if all the group ever talks about is who likes who?

And, if it is a romance, it needs to be headed somewhere. The endless circles this story runs in get exhausting, and the admissions in the author’s notes that there really isn’t any plan for this demonstrably main plotline is enough to make a reader give up.

I think a lot of this comes down to pantsing (that is, writing by the seat of your pants, or writing without a concrete plan of what’s coming next), which is why I’d like to talk more about it in the pacing section, but it is inextricably tied to the issues with the plot.

That brings me to the “supposed to”s. It’s really the best way I can describe it - some scenes in this story feel like they’re only there because the author felt an adventure story was supposed to have them. There’s a riddle-solving scene, a research scene, a mentorship-with-a-young-character scene... all of them devoid of meaning within the larger scale of the fic, and almost entirely useless on their own. Really the only reason I can come up with for them appearing at all is that the author identified some common adventure story tropes and made use of them. Because they’re supposed to be here.

It all just feels extra. It’s like I’m reading filler episodes in a story that has yet to even start - except even filler episodes are meant to reveal something about our characters that we may not have otherwise been able to see. In this case, the filler episodes all contribute to that endless argument about who deserves to be with Skyfall. The last thing you want in your story is for readers to come away feeling like they read something unnecessary, and far too many chapters left me feeling exactly that way.

In the end, the good ideas flying around are never given the chance to take root and become a substantive story. I feel as though the author has gathered all the right ingredients, but perhaps screwed up some of the measurements (four tablespoons of romance, not four cups), and has yet to actually pop this pastry in the oven. It’s a concept that is teetering right on the edge of being great without tipping in one direction or the other. Like a weeble.

3 / 5

Pacing/Length

Perhaps you’ve heard the word “pantsing” before. If not, it comes from the phrase “flying by the seat of your pants”, closely related to the phrase “flying blind”. When it comes to writing, “pantsing” essentially means that, beyond perhaps a vague sense of overall direction (in a plane, perhaps ‘North’), the writing is improvised. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing - I certainly do it, and I’ve read some great stories that are nothing but endless serial pantsing. It can be really fun not only to follow a story like that live, but to think you might be able to sway its direction as a reader. 

While pantsing may have its place in writing (particularly in fanfiction spaces), there are still some basic tenets to follow to be “good” at pantsing. It’s okay not to have a concrete outline for everything to come, but individual chapters / releases still need to have a beginning, middle, and end. This prevents stories from being cut short, or multi-part chapters from having enormous publishing (and thus narrative) gaps. It’s also good practice to have that general idea of where you’re headed - both in the story as a whole, and sometimes on slightly more individual bases. Long stories such as this one often go through recognizable “arcs”, and knowing where each arc is headed will help you maintain a sense of direction and forward momentum. Think about the average story-driven TV show - each season is its own arc, with season-long issues introduced in the first few episodes and resolved by the time the season draws to a close. While there may be filler episodes in between that do not contribute to this arc, it is still something that a writer needs to hold in their mind as they approach each individual episode (or chapter) so as not to “lose the thread” or go flying into unrelated tangents.

In this story’s case, the pantsing sometimes works out. The first chapter, for example, stands alone quite well. It has a setup (the sisters are hunting treasure), a conflict (the sisters become trapped in the ruins and must get a stranger and rival to help them escape), and a resolution (the stranger betrays them and makes off with the treasure). Though it, of course, ends on a “to be continued…” sort of note, this chapter is a complete story. It also contributes to the wider story at play, as it serves to introduce a soon-to-be main character and establishes his dynamic (and tension) with our other leads.

Another chapter that stands on its own is “A Griffon’s Lament”. This chapter is an example of good filler, as it does not strictly contribute to the wider treasure hunt, but it does stand on its own and help us get to know the characters a bit better. It has a self-contained story, and readers can happily close this update feeling a sense of completion. 

The problem is most of the chapters do not adhere to this self-containment. They’re all pretty short, so the amount they can do as far as driving the narrative forward is already limited, but too many of them only seem to come back to that central argument about which sister Sky likes, which sister deserves to be with him, and how angry the sisters are at each other over it. Putting aside the repetition, the sheer number of 2-3k word chapters that do nothing for any of the conflicts in the story throws the pacing entirely out of whack. 

We don’t really get the first inkling that there’s a grander story at play until chapter ten. It’s four more chapters until we understand exactly what that story is, because the whole treasure hunt where we find this out is chopped up across these chapters. Had I not been dedicated to reading the entirety of the published fic for the purposes of the review, I would have stopped reading long before this was introduced - that’s important to keep in mind when you’re working on a serial piece. 

Of course, because everything is chopped into such tiny pieces, the author takes the opportunity to jump around. A lot of interesting parts are skipped, most notably across the three-part adventure in the Serpent’s Pass - we miss a climactic battle, a daring heist, and a major character’s arrest, skipping only to more squabbling over romantic entanglements as the characters sneak through hallways devoid of real plot.

I place all of this discussion in the pacing and length section because I think that’s the root of the issue. There isn’t a conceptual problem with any of the content - but the execution, specifically in being able to pace out these plot elements and deliver them in satisfying amounts and self-contained packages, is a detriment to the story. Were the romantic drama more thoughtfully paced, I wouldn’t be so sick of hearing about it. If we were consistently seeing the best parts of treasure hunting (seeking out ruins, fighting bad guys, solving puzzles, etc.), this piece wouldn’t be such a chore to work through. 

My advice to the author is this: the next time you sit down to write a chapter, try to plan out its beginning, middle, and end. Think about it like an episode of your favorite TV show. Consider it as its own thing, so that your readers can enjoy it as its own thing. Then, once you have that concrete idea, try to slot it in amongst the wider stories (both romance and adventure). Consider how it might contribute to these plots (or not! Filler stories are also more than acceptable), and consider how much time in the chapter should be donated to those plots. And, in general, pump the breaks on the “who gets Sky” arguments. Give us some time before we confront that mess again, and the payoff will be that much greater.

Like I said, pantsing is okay! Fun, even! But it requires a different approach than traditional, outline-based writing. Understanding the differences and working within them is key to the project’s success.

3 / 5

Characterization

A while ago, I read a really wonderful opinion piece called “Everyone is Beautiful and No One is Horny”. It discussed an issue that’s cropping up nowadays with action/adventure films and TV shows where the actors in it look so completely flawless that, even when their bodies are put on display and given gratuitous focus, they don’t really “get a response”. They’re too perfect, with no flaws or blemishes to latch onto that might make someone interesting or unique. Any attempt to force a flaw feels just that - forced. A hero declares himself “ugly” because of a scar, despite otherwise looking like a ken doll. A nerdy teenage girl declares herself “ugly”, even though the only quantifiable difference between herself and the model mean girls is frizzy hair and glasses. In a word, it’s weird! In more words, it’s a phenomenon that sucks genuine uniqueness out of characters, and ends up collapsing them into two-dimensional cardboard standees of… admittedly good-looking people.

This doesn’t exactly apply to this story, of course. There’s no physical representations of characters to look at beyond the cover. Even if there were, they’re ponies. They all look pretty much the same except for some differences in palette and hairstyle. But the concept of over-perfection absolutely applies here. It’s not looks this story has a problem with - it’s personality.

I can sense what the author was aiming for. One of the sisters is a hothead, one is a little cooler, and Sky is The Boy caught between them. Nothing wrong at all with that setup - it can be incredibly fun and produce some great drama. Every now and then, we see these characters actually display some different behavior, but all too often they blend together into one blob. It’s not because they’re without character, though - rather, they’re all trying to be the best, most perfect character, in a myriad of ways.

Take humor, for example. Typically, in an ensemble cast, one member is going to be more gifted with zingers than the others. This doesn’t mean that other characters can’t roast their costars, it just means that, if there’s a joke to be made, Zinger Guy is going to be first in line to make it. There’s all sorts of other traits you can pair with this to make a character more unique (someone like Pinkie who’s a bit airheaded, or like RD who is a bit pompous), but if you want someone to be “the funny one”, you have to really let it be their thing.

In A Different Kind of Treasure, they are all trying to be the funny one. And the cool one. And the hotheaded one. And the smart one. And the diplomatic one. On and on and on.

This isn’t to say the characters are never differentiated - as I discussed above, most of the story revolves around Flitter and Cloudchaser competing for Skyfall’s affections, and so they must act differently some of the time… right?

It’s here that I’m going to get very, very speculative, but I think one of the major reasons the author had so much trouble settling on a pairing is the lack of true differences between characters. It’s like asking whether it’s better to ship Rainbow Dash with Spitfire or Fleetfoot… the differences are negligible at best, as these two characters consistently play what is, fundamentally, the same role. Both of them rank above Rainbow, both of them have that pervasive “drill sergeant” attitude - questions of overall chemistry are largely the same, even if tiny things might set Spitfire and Fleetfoot apart.

In A Different Kind of Treasure, the moments of true differentiation are told to us, rather than shown through character actions: “It was no secret that Flitter was always considered the brains of the two while Cloud was relegated to the role of brawn with her tomboyish attitude,” “It’s just that you agreed with me instead of siding with Flitter. Usually you always take her side and snark at me with a joke,” “You’ve been really aggressive ever since we got to the pass,” etc, etc. So, just like Fleetfoot and Spitfire, the larger questions of compatibility and chemistry all have the same answer. While Flitter and Cloudchaser are unquestionably characters who follow a (mostly) predictable pattern of behavior, their patterns are not (a) different from one another, or (b) interesting on their own due to a constant need for perfection.

A long time ago, I developed a rule that I try my best to stick to as an author: if I always agree with my characters’ choices, they aren’t going to be interesting to read in the least. I think that’s what this story needs - a big heaping teaspoon of bad decisions. With consequences.

It’s disappointing to watch these great opportunities for character development pop up (fighting over Skyfall, disagreements about how to handle treasure-hunting as an ethical profession, a previous incestuous relationship, verbally berating a child, threatening each other with deadly weaponry) only for them to be resolved or hand-waved away before any actual consequences can befall the characters. In one chapter, Skyfall insults a literal child in an attempt to get him to cook better, and Cloudchaser gets rightfully angry with him. Rather than maintain the ruse, Skyfall immediately reveals his tactic (“I didn’t actually mean anything I said. I just wanted to help you gain the courage and strength needed to find your purpose”) before the child even starts cooking, and the kid who was in tears moments ago actually thanks Skyfall for his manipulative ways. When Flitter threatens to shoot Cloud in the head with a crossbow over a stuffed animal - a conflict that is treated with extreme seriousness and given the narrative weight of a genuine death threat - this is explained away as “mood swings” a chapter later.

It’s okay for characters to make bad choices. That’s what makes stories interesting to read. You’ve given your world so much intricacy and opportunity for drama, and yet the lack of substantial character squanders it all before it has a chance to build in tension. Give your characters time to do things wrong, to behave poorly, and to experience consequences of mistakes. Remember: imperfections are what make characters loveable. When everyone is beautiful, no one is horny.

2 / 5

Writing Quality

One thing I noticed throughout my reading of A Different Kind of Treasure is the ratio of prose to dialogue. I, for one, love a good dialogue-heavy fic, and this story is really all about the banter. There’s something about a dialogue-reliant fic that just makes things move along at an exciting and rapid pace - especially when all the characters have such a snappy, speed-talking vibe. In short, dialogue-heavy fics are awesome. The choice to lean on dialogue over prose is one that I fully approve of.

That said, I think the reason this story is so dialogue heavy is because the author doesn’t have a lot of confidence in their prose.

I’m not just pulling that thought out of thin air - a few of the author’s notes following action-heavy chapters request feedback from readers regarding the quality of the action sequences (“I’m really inexperienced with fight scenes”, or “I’ve been told the fight scenes are too tame”). The author so rarely makes use of descriptive prose that some of the dialogue - meant to be snappy, peppy, and character-building - is instead weighed down by verbal set dressing. Rather than tell us what the ruins look like, the characters give a quick once-over and talk it out in awkward dialogue. Rather than exchange thoughtful glances, characters explain their battle tactics out loud to one another during a fight. It gives it all a certain stilted feel, like we’re watching children put on a play without the necessary props.

Honestly, the descriptive prose is pretty good. It’s not Steinbeck or Melville, but it doesn’t have to be! The prose sets the stage of the dialogue, and takes a bit of pressure off the characters when it comes to setting the scene and the mood. I’m not sure why the author feels they need to avoid writing descriptive prose - your prose is good! Use it!

One general bit of advice I’ll provide in the fight sequences is to utilize more paragraph breaks. Were you describing a battle from an exterior perspective, meaning to explain the overall changing tides of large-scale battles and war, you could afford to use longer paragraphs to describe everything more deeply. But the fight scenes in A Different Kind of Treasure are much tighter than that. They’re close, quick, hoof-to-hoof-to-claw combat, and the longer paragraphs choke the flow. Don’t be afraid of short sentences and short paragraphs - these sorts of tricks will help your readers pick up the pace along with the characters. There’s a sort of implicit communication in the structure you can use to reinforce the explicit communication in the prose. 

In short, the story is written just fine. A little more confidence in the descriptive prose will really lift this story’s style from average to good to great.

3 / 5

Je Ne Sais Quoi

At the beginning of this review, I talked about expectations.

I know a lot of reviewers make an effort not to consider their preconceived expectations when discussing a fic, but I’m of the mind that folks looking to do well on fimfic should have the fully biased perspective of a fimfic reader provided to them when possible. This, after all, isn’t a story arriving in an unmarked envelope - it’s a story that is very clearly marked with character tags, genre tags, cover art, sister stories, and two descriptions. These things all set expectations, and (luckily) they are all under the influence of the author. 

I’m not here to claim that the author pulled some false-advertising scheme on me. I don’t consider this to be a bait-and-switch, purposeful or accidental. What I do have to say is that I was genuinely let down by the lack of adventuring in this adventure story.

I came into A Different Kind of Treasure with the expectation that I was going to be reading something akin to Indiana Jones - archetypal adventurers flanked by memorable side characters uncovering ancient ruins and artifacts, all while fighting off hordes of enemies. To be clear, I didn’t expect to read something that could hold its own against one of the most iconic adventure franchises out there, but I did expect something that was effectively an homage to Indiana Jones.

In all honesty, A Different Kind of Treasure draws more on Harry Potter than anything else. Like the wizards in Harry Potter, the treasure hunters in this story abide by a strict set of rules and work under some sort of governmental entity. They seek out treasure to earn money in a perfectly legal process, not out of some higher calling to defend cultures and history, or even just earning money in an underhanded and legally dubious manner. The leads are chosen ones, and so don’t have the grit of someone like Indy who can hold his own on pure strength and skill. In fact, the whole story hinges on the leads finding artifacts from Equestria’s “main races” (a concept that is never really explained), the names of which are lifted directly from Harry Potter (The Gilded Goblet of House Hooflepuff, the Lost Diadem of Diamondpaw, etc.). Again, I’m not pointing out anything the author was attempting to hide - all of these are purposeful choices made explicit in the author’s notes.

That’s fine. There’s no rule saying you can’t do that. When the author cops to it being a joke in the author’s notes, I can’t fault them for it.

But this, combined with the hyperfocus on romance, combined with the not-so-memorable characters, combined with the symptoms of pantsing and low confidence… it all comes together into a story that’s just very, very average. Perhaps reading it serially as the author released chapters would give me a different perspective, but I have to be honest about my own reaction. This was hard to get through - not because it was bad, but because no part of it was particularly good. After a few letdowns, the chance of resolution just wasn’t enough to keep me going.

Also, the alternate universe, as far as I can tell, is that ponies eat meat. That was… interesting.

3 / 5

Final Thoughts

A Different Kind of Treasure is an example of a good concept that is held back by a million tiny problems. No single, massive issue plagues this fic, but rather a pattern of repetitive scenes, long-term improvisation, lack of confidence, wishy-washy characters, and an abundance of deus-ex-machina coincidences that allows the author to interrogate only one simple element of this story’s intricate world: who should get the guy. As it is yet unfinished, I have high hopes that this fic can turn itself around and give its readers the things it is lacking… but, for now, it’s an average unfinished fic.

2.8 / 5