TCount Derpy (Rewritten)

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Horror
• Tragedy

Derpy becomes a vampire

• Violence
• Gore
• Death
• Second Person
• Alt. Universe
• Rainbow Dash
• Pinkie
• Applejack
• Derpy
• CMCs

Count_Pony001 · 6.2k words  ·  9  6 · 524 views

Title: Count Derpy

Summary: Derpy is bitten by a vampire during a delivery, and becomes one herself leading to a brief reign of terror on the residents of Ponyville. 

Analysis: As the story currently stands, I didn’t like the story and struggled to finish it. 

The premise isn’t terrible or original, but could have been a wonderful set up for a chilling story that wasn’t given enough time to cook. This is somewhat noted by the addition of the word (rewritten) added after the title signaling the author had done some revisions which is usually a good thing, and shows the author taking pride in their work. 

The changes are non apparent without reading the comments, and from here we can gleam what changes had been made- grammar. 

I will admit to speed reading this story, so I could have overlooked some misspellings, but nothing was glaring enough to catch my attention during the first read, so I will consider that acceptable. What did stand out was how short these chapters were, with chapter 3 being nearly half the story’s length and subsequently the most interesting part of the story. 

The first two chapters were so short/fast that it felt like I read the cliff notes of a much longer chapter, and that sucks. The idea of innocent Derpy Hooves having to deal with vampirism really had the potential to be something exciting to see unfolding!  The story is already in the First Person Viewpoint, and the idea of reading her having to fight and struggle with these new urges was a missed opportunity.  In the first and second chapter there is some conflict, but that is quickly shoved aside to quickly start killing ponies instead. 

Chapter 3 isn’t too much better, but there is more substance here that allowed me time to understand what was happening, and become more invested with the drama.  

Rating: 5/10
My reasonings for the low rating will primarily be noted in my analysis portion, but I would like to reiterate it doesn’t mean it's terrible. Far from it. The story has several glaring faults, but most could be fixed with experience and potentially become a truly terrifying horror story. 

Additional: My biggest suggestion other than to read more, or find a co-author willing to help you would be to take your time and try learning how to describe more. 

EX:

Author’s work:

I stepped backwards and said "Wh-what do you want my blood for?"
Instead of replying to my question, she grabbed me, then bit me on the neck.

My work:

I quickly found myself stepping backwards, forgetting I had wings that could fly me away.

“Wh-what do you want my blood for?” I asked, feeling my tummy becoming upset. She didn’t look like the nurse or doctor who sometimes needed my blood. 

Instead of replying to my question, she smiled. Her teeth shined under the moonlight, and they were really scary looking- like a cat, but longer. She never did answer my question though…

I tried screaming, but her hoof was already around my mouth as her cat-like teeth bit my neck.

A little description can really change the tone of a sentence or scene, and learning when and where to apply these words can greatly enhance your story. 

Now to answer your question about writing a sequel to this story, I suggest you write about Derpy having to learn to control her powers and urges.

Derpy was inexperienced with her powers and now recalls the terrible things she has done, forcing a drastic change in her personality having to carry such a burden. Derpy tries acting like her old self, but the guilt and knowledge ponies are actively looking for have left her stressed to a point she might do something drastic…

Now doesn't sound interesting? Something to consider and hope to see your progression.