I Like it Blue, I Like it Cold...

Writer's summary: A fanfiction in which Sunset Shimmer commands a fleet to conquer the Solar System's seventh planet.

Rated T for excessive immaturity.

My analysis: I see why this T rating was described the way it was.

I always had a taste for short funny stories that are done well, and this one is done fairly well. I was confused by the use if italics, but halfway through it made sense. So, since it's a short story, let's get into the rating.

Writing: 6/10

Now, I learned a lot about this first problem recently, and am very guilty of it. Name repetition. When two characters are having a conversation, it's not necessary to bring their name up every paragraph. I'd space out the name usage, utilizing other nicknames or just using she more. Besides that, it's just minor errors.

“Hey, you know what they say..” Sunset said, plucking the game piece from the board “All is fair in love and Space Wars”
(There doesn't need to be this space here since Sunset is talking in both paragraphs.)
She looked over at the terrarium on her desk. “Isn't that right, Ray?

“Yep, now it’s Ur-anus!" Rainbow giggled

.

The plot of the story: 8/10

The plot is simple, relying on a pun and a card game (Which I wouldn't mind playing) to bring us to the punch line. I do admit that these stories can work, and this one does. It's not too simplistic to where you know where it's going right away, and not too complicated to the point where it should have gone an extra thousand words.

Story flow: 8/10

I didn't expect the start right away, and was rather impressed by the shift it took. I also like how it held off on bringing in the pun till later, along with elaborating on it. I can't get too into this without spoiling anything, so I'll say that the transition is pretty good.

Final score: 24/30 8/10

How to improve:

This was a cleverly made story, although it has a few small errors in the spelling section. Don't get discouraged by this, since I have made this error several times before I learned about it. Besides that, I'd say it's worth the read, just for the laughs. Just be ready for some immature humor, because I will not be held liable for damages.

Thanks!