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EA King’s Grand Entrance

• MLP: Movie
• Dark
• Sad
• Slice of Life

We all know what’s been going on with the Main 6 and Tempest while they were away from Equestria. But, the biggest questions would be: What happened while they were gone? What could the Storm King have done while he took up residence in Equestria?

• Storm King

A Man Undercover · 4.6k words  ·  76  28 · 2.7k views

SUMMARY
Something is coming to Canterlot and that something is none other than the Storm King. While the Mane Six are seeking help beyond Equestria, the Storm King makes his grand entrance in Canterlot, with his own style and evil plans well at hand.

Written as an expansion of the Storm King's role in the My Little Pony Movie, this piece does well to continue his characterization while providing some additional motivations for his evil designs. The character aspects of this story are done well, but several other issues with the nuts and bolts keep it from being stellar.

LANGUAGE - 6/10
Style:
The author's style is consistent and overall done well, which is something that is not always the case when writing in present tense. There are instances, though, where the phrasing becomes repetitive, especially when using passive voice. For instance:

Several other creatures gather beside them and across from them...

In this sentence the repeated use of "them" interrupts the flow. The same applies not just to words, but to descriptions of actions as well, such as this scene:

He uses his foot to move the pink pony out from under him like she’s an actual foot stool, casting her off to the side.

The pony is already described as being moved in the first part of the sentence, making the clause at the end redundant. It's not necessarily incorrect or difficult to understand, but rather just inefficient.

Similes are used frequently throughout this story, as well as onomatopoeias. In both these cases, simply describing the action or characteristic will suffice. More on these in later sections.

Mechanics:
Overall free from grammatical errors. The use of ellipses is not correct here; they are typically used to omit words or indicate a pause and not to create emphasis - a dash is more appropriate (there are even different types of dashes that do different things). There are a few awkward sentences that can be fixed with some commas, one or two words that are misused (e.g. "commandeered" when it should be "commanded"), and an instance where second person perspective is used, but otherwise the grammar is good.

Mood and Tone:
This aspect of the writer's language, much like the story itself, seems confused. There is a juxtaposition of some dark details with light, almost comedic characterizations; it makes me wonder if the tone is trying to be dramatic or amusing. Part of the issue lies in the descriptive language - it is too matter of fact, lacking the tone that will swing it into either genre.

SETTING - 5/10
The setting is decent and consistent with what is established in the movie. The exposition about the ponies at the beginning seems unnecessary, at least as a direct description because it is assumed the audience is already familiar with it; rather, only highlight those details that are necessary for this story and integrate them into the larger scene-setting. More time can be taken when describing how the characters interact with the setting.

The Storm Creature runs through town, passing several tents, buildings, and even enslaved ponies who are either reined or in cages. He also passes some fellow minions who are similarly giving their attention on the airship. He jogs so fast that his bulk is able to knock over a tent in his way, as well as a cart full of apples

The way the character moves through this setting seemed rushed as if it is only a passing thought. It is also important to consider which of these details are necessary (the apple cart, for instance).

The use of similes breaks the setting's immersion by referencing things that exist in our world, but not exactly the MLP world.

CHARACTERS - 7/10
The characterization of the Storm King is the best part of this story. While I am not a big fan of the way the movie writers portrayed this character, the author here is very consistent, including the direct application of "evil" to the character. The only issue is that the Storm King strikes me as a comedic sort of evil villain, similar to famous examples like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers or those that frequent children's media (which the MLP movie is). The dialogue and actions of the Storm King all seem to characterize him as such, which makes the ending soliloquy seem out of place. If the goal is to portray the Storm King as a more serious type of evil, then the tone behind his descriptions and actions should reflect that darker side of him.

The other characters in this story are somewhat generic. This is understandable for the Storm Creatures who are minions, but the ponies feel this way because they are merely described even though it is obvious who they are and what their names are. I imagine this is done to dehumanize these characters and reinforce their state of oppression.

A note on similes: For the Storm Creatures, describing them like "soldiers in the military" seems odd as it is somewhat implied that they already are the military. I also had to look up what a frogfish is, and I'm not sure if comparing the Storm King to one is what is intended.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 4/10
This is a story that focuses heavily on description of a scene, and thus lacks a strong plot and driving conflict. There is the existing conflict of the Storm King invasion and subsequent disruption of the status quo in Canterlot, but no progress is made towards resolving this throughout this story; the ending, in fact, actually increases the stakes for resolution. Therefore, this story does not seem to stand on its own without the context of the film; rather, it seems to be an addition to that story, another scene to add more development to a character.

One angle I could see is this being character piece focused on the Storm King. But in order to do that, there needs to be something that character wants, or is struggling with, but can't overcome. It is stated what his desires are but not until the end. Furthermore, his character seems too static as presented here for this to work effectively.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a nice snip-it of the Storm King and would make a fitting addition to the movie. The dialogue is well-written and pacing overall is good.

The main thing that stands out to me is the tone. Based on the tags, I was expecting a darker story, especially given the sheer evil of the end soliloquy. But many elements of the story seem to make it better suited, with some tweaking, as a comedy.

Overall, satisfactory story. 5.5/10

7407607
Thank you for the feedback you gave me. I deeply appreciate you taking the time to review my story.

In retrospect, I have been thinking about having an editor who previously looked over one of my other stories look over this one to correct the kind of errors you pointed out.

Also, I understand the concerns you pointed out, but in all honesty...my intentions behind the story were to make it like a scene in the movie. It wasn't exactly meant to be anything outside of the equivalent of a movie scene. I chose the present tense because I thought that would give readers the impression that the events of the story were happening in the movie too.

As for the comedy snippets, they were mainly put in to help the tone have a balance and not be dark in an overbearing kind of way. They were also made to reference the fact that comedy writer Joe Ballarini co-wrote the story and that his comedic style and influence were present throughout the film. All in all, I was wanting to stay true to the tone of the film and MLP while also giving things a sense of weight.

Make sense?

7408221
Certainly.

7408325
My story's just been edited by Norm De Plume, in case you're interested.