EAftermath of the Tantabus

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Sad

After the Tantabus, Luna has to face Celestia.

• Celestia
• Luna

Stargazing Point · 4.9k words  ·  19  1 · 1.5k views

SUMMARY
Having overcome the struggle of the Tantabus, Princess Luna must now grapple with consequences of her past actions and face a significantly different challenge, her sister. Throughout this story, both Luna and Celestia will have to come to terms with their personal set-backs and become better ponies for Equestria and for each other.

Set after the events of "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep", this story takes an interesting approach in addressing how the relationship dynamic between Luna and Celestia would be affected by the implications of the Tantabus. But while this premise is great, the execution of the resulting narrative has many pit-falls.

LANGUAGE - 4/10
The execution of the language is the primary thing which holds this story back. There were many issues I noticed, but I will keep this section brief. I recommend checking out the writing guide on this site as well as software to help with editing (the read aloud feature of MS word is amazing for this).

Style: My main concern with style is the lack of energy; this is caused by two things: use of passive verbs and long sentences that try to cram a lot of details before the period. A lot of the writing seems to follow a stream of consciousness style where the sentences flow naturally as if one were thinking to oneself as opposed to the more structured flow common in most prose. Here is an example:

Luna was a mixture of so much indignation, sadness and anger that she just let herself fall to the floor and cry between her hooves, the lone guard that didn't rushed to check what was wrong with Celestia rushed into the room but seeing her on the floor like that just made him stay well away from her in a combination of fear and confusion.

We have a lot of things happening in this sentence: Luna's feelings, her visible expression of them, the entrance of a guard, his reaction, etc. All of these could be split into separate sentences with better flow and pacing to help the reader understand the scene.

Mechanics: Many errors were present in this story. Run-on sentences are the most common mistake followed by improper tense for verbs. There were many places that felt like they needed a comma, such as in the place of parentheses - they are improper when the information inside them is necessary for the story. Again, I recommend looking at the resources available. The OWL from Purdue is an excellent reference guide I use.

Mood and Tone: I had a hard time understanding the mood of this story. I believe a primary cause is because much of this story is told as a pseudo-flashback, that is, the reader is told about something that happened and the characters' feelings on it rather than being shown the event and how the characters acted. The voicing of the characters' thoughts does create some sense of internal turmoil, but other issues in the language muddy this effect.

SETTING - 6/10
The setting is standard; the author mostly stays confined to show canon, but does introduce some new elements like characterizations of the thestrals. There is also some lore development on both princesses, but the placement and delivery of the exposition is misplaced and does not contributed much to the plot.

CHARACTERS - 5/10
There are some interesting ideas and character struggles introduced for Celestia and Luna in this story, but much of the development is told rather than shown. For instance, Luna is characterized as having issues with confidence - except this is explained though the narration of her thoughts rather than her actions, making the presentation of this characteristic seem forced. Furthermore, Celestia receives some characterization that makes her seem far stricter than she is in the show. With both characters, there is some nice backstory, but it seems to lead the story down a side-path rather keeping it focused on the main plot.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 5/10
The plot of this story suffers from lack of energy and focus. A major issue is the sense of time, which is due in part to the language but primarily because of the structure: most of the action occurs "off-screen" with the written narrative acting as a sort of recounting/reflection of those events. This creates the sense that the conflict has already happened and been resolved, thereby defusing the tension necessary to write a good character piece. As I have mentioned before, showing, in real-time, the characters interact with their problems and each other is much more effective at engaging the reader.

There are some interesting themes that are developed in this story. The idea of communication and trust in a relationship is prevalent, as well as the importance of forgiveness and acceptance in creating a healthy state of mind. The theme of confidence, though, is one that I feel has potential but is largely underdeveloped.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I like the premise of this story as well as the messages it conveys. The characterization is good and there are some nice attempts to develop the lore.

However, the execution of this story lost me. Perhaps it was mostly the language that made it difficult for me to follow along with the narrative. For me, a lot of elements in this story felt out of place, especially the timing - there are roughly five years condensed into a 4,905 word story. Unless the author is trying to suggest that time is the ultimate resolution for the conflict, I believe this same story could be told over a much shorter time frame, thus freeing more space for action rather than exposition.

Overall, decent story. 5/10

7394368
Hi, as I said in the comments of the story, thanks for the time to review my story, being my second story, it's something I really need, I'll give my opinion on some points.

All of these could be split into separate sentences with better flow and pacing to help the reader understand the scene.

I'm struggling to write in the sense that I can't see the story from the reader perspective, I have the advantage of knowing how it goes on my head but I don't know how much should I write so the reader can see it too, I don't want to go overboard but I also can't write too little, I guess experience will help.

Again, I recommend looking at the resources available. The OWL from Purdue is an excellent reference guide I use.

Yes, honestly even if I read the writing guides multiple times, in the end I find that I learn better if I write and mistakes are pointed out on my work, I guess that's because I know the theory but it's not that easy for me to put in practice.

the reader is told about something that happened and the characters' feelings on it rather than being shown the event and how the characters acted.

I'm a bit hesitant to write too much scenes since I fear I'll just botch it and ruin the story, but since this way doesn't work, I'm going to do more scenes and dialogue, hopefully I can make it decently at least.

the placement and delivery of the exposition is misplaced and does not contributed much to the plot.

I'm a bit lost here, but I guess you mean that it's placed in a way that makes it seem that the words are just there and doesn't seem relevant to what's going on, I'll try to do something about that.

Celestia receives some characterization that makes her seem far stricter than she is in the show.

I wanted to make it like that because, since Luna it's her co-ruler, instability from her can cause problems for the nation, and that's something that Celestia can't risk, so she takes measures that pain her but ensure the safety of her subjects.

there are roughly five years condensed into a 4,905 word story. Unless the author is trying to suggest that time is the ultimate resolution for the conflict, I believe this same story could be told over a much shorter time frame, thus freeing more space for action rather than exposition.

This is mostly my fear of making a story too large and if it's bad it'll mean that I wasted a lot time and effort, if I rewrite it, I'll try to make it larger, since I believe that Luna's problems after her banishment would take a long time to be resolved even with the events that Twilight and her friends are in.

In the end, I like I said at the beginning, I really need this opinions on my stories since I barely know what I'm doing, I simply decided that wanted to transform my imagination into stories that some people might like, I don't know how long is going to take me to improve but I know that I'll never do it if I don't know what I'm doing wrong, so I appreciate this, I'll try to to use it as base for my next stories.

Salutations.

7394861
Don't worry, you're already on the way to improving your writing - seeking feedback is the first step.

And don't be afraid that you'll ruin a story by writing too many scenes or dialogue or throwing in all those lovely worldbuilding details. What I like to do is outline major plot points or ideas I want to get across to the reader, and then I just write and let the scenes unfold as I try to get to that point in my outline. Outlining, for me at least, helps me organize the flow of my narrative - I typically set a scene, introduce the characters, then let them do stuff. But do whatever works - remember the end goal is reader immersion.

I think one of the points I was trying to get across is that in short stories words are at a premium. But the great thing is that shorter word counts force a writer to be deliberate with how they structure everything from the technique of the language to the vision of piece. Of course, word count is also arbitrary - don't let it rule you.

Reading is a good way to learn. Find a story you like and try to emulate what you like about that author. One of my favorite short stories is "There Will Come Soft Rains" by Ray Bradbury - I love how he is able to say so much, and capture such a poignant mood, in so simple a narrative. I also try to mimic a lot of nature writers for scene setting.

You can always PM me for more help or join our discord where we have channels for discussing reviews and writing advice. Best of wishes in your writing.