My first review here. Looking forward to doing many more and improving the feedback I can offer all of you wonderful writers!

TMoon and Sun

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Sad
• Tragedy

Luna was raised in the shadow that Celestia cast. That was ok, she really didn't mind at first. Slowly, over the years the light got brighter and the shadow longer. Until, it all became too much.

• Alt. Universe
• Celestia
• Luna

Buttery Biscuit · 7.6k words  ·  52  4 · 689 views

SUMMARY
A recounting of the events that led to the banishment of Nightmare Moon, “Moon and Sun” presents the dual perspectives of Luna and Celestia as they grow from little fillies into the powerful alicorn princesses. Along the way they struggle with relationships, disappointments, and the overwhelming burden of expectations.

This story is primarily based around the internal conflicts each of the princesses face as they react to the same set of events. To that end, much of the plot is driven by thought rather than action and the tension psychological rather than physical. The story itself reads as a collection of memory-based thoughts, but the jumpiness in language used to create this can slow the reader down. The writer does, however, do well with characterization of the princesses and overarching themes while adding some unique interpretations of the plot and supporting characters.

LANGUAGE - 7/10
Syntax: The sentence structure of this work is good, with a variety of simple sentences that seem to jump quickly between ideas or actions; this can be used to good effect to create a sense that this story is being told as a memory, one where all the details might not be remembered. One strong element the writer presents is the repeated motif in "Casting Shadows" of the sentence "One time wouldn't hurt". However, there are several instances where transition words, conjunctions, or better punctuation could be used in place of frequent comma usage resulting in splices that interrupt the flow of the narrative.

Grammar: The grammar is well done, with only a few errors in commonly mistaken words and the extraneous use of comma splices as mentioned above. There are several sentence fragments, but this can be permissible when a writer wants to drive home a point or influence pacing.

Mood and Tone: Using a dual perspective to tell the same story allows the writer to create contrast as well as build empathy in the reader for what is often told as a good versus evil story. This heightens the emotional weight of this story - the scene where both the sisters fall in love with Sombra is a great example of this.

SETTING - 7/10
A few minor details of the physical setting are mentioned, but the majority of the setting is left to be implied from knowledge of the show. The writer does develop the time period well with usage of antiquated language and descriptions of the ponies.

CHARACTERS - 8/10
The writer does a great job of showing the slow, subtle build-up in character of Luna and Celestia that ultimately led to the final banishment that is the central event of the story. The motivations and rationales behind these characters are clearly laid out and the use of dual perspective allows the reader to see a more complex presentation of the princesses.

The supporting characters struggle to receive attention and at times feel tacked onto the narrative to accomplish only one or two things for the plot. The character of Sombra is a notable example, especially since his presentation here does not match show canon and not much is done to explain the difference. The character of Discord might be an exception, but even his development is largely implied to occur outside the text.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 6/10
Although the plot builds steadily in both perspectives, the pacing is also steady, which fails to let important moments stand out to the reader. Since this story is a recounting of memories, it would have benefited from more breaks in the text to separate the various "episodes" or simply clearer transitions between them. The climax seems rushed and is driven by the confused thoughts of the characters rather than the actions themselves.

Regardless, the writer is still able to communicate the message across to the reader.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I enjoyed this story, and I believe my frequent mention of the writer's strong use of dual perspective indicates that I appreciate their handling of this style of narrative.

The language was a bit too choppy for my tastes, and there were a few times I had to reread portions to understand exactly what the writer intended. I wish more attention had been given to the climax to justify the great build-up before it.

Overall, satisfactory story. 7/10

7365343
Congrats to your frist Review, and welcome to the team!

7365343
Congrats! What made you want to start reviewing?

7365400
Just a desire to give back and work towards mutual improvement through feedback.

Thank you for your review and feedback. I shall keep this all in mind as I continue to write my stories. Feedback like this, i find helpful! Thanks again! ^u^