The Second Story Underwear Thief

by Mayorlight

Summary:

When a thief starts breaking into Crystal Prep's girls' dormitory to steal underwear, Sugarcoat may be the only one who can unravel the mystery.

Initial Thoughts:
The… Second Story… Underwear Thief… and it’s a Teen rating?

Well, that just sounds so whimsical, how could I say no? It’s a stupid, stupid trope, and a silly cliché, but I love those sorts of silly stories, and sometimes that’s precisely what you’re looking for to break up your reading schedule. I fully expect a madcap comedy, with that sort of description, so let’s see if it delivers.

My Reaction:
One thing I’ll note, right off the bat here, is that the author has included some artwork for this story. That won’t change the way I rate it, but I’ll get it out of the way now that I still appreciated the effort. I can’t, for the life of me, keep the Shadowbolts’ names straight in my head. So, having some (well-drawn) visual references right there helped me out a lot.

And, happily, that artwork wasn’t needed to keep the characters straight in between each other. I thought that the author did a very good job keeping every character audibly distinct, with their personalities and quirks carrying through their dialogue very clearly. When I can hear the character’s voice in my head, despite not having a very good memory for their names, then you know the author is doing something right.

The story, oddly, is more of a mystery than a comedy. Sure, the general concept is silly. Stealing underwear is giggle-worthy, as an idea, no matter if you’re twelve or fifty. But… I really didn’t find myself laughing at all throughout the story. In fact, I was more drawn in by the mystery, and Sugarcoat’s process of clue-gathering and deductive reasoning as she investigated the crime. I’d go so far as to suggest changing the tags to reflect that.

Still, despite that, this could (and perhaps should) have been one of the official Equestria Girls shorts*, considering its strong characterization and plot.
*Haha, puns.

Grammar: 10/10
The grammar in this story is as solid as it gets.

Story: 8/10
The story itself reads like a well-focused short from the actual series. While the lack of humor is felt, the mystery here is strong. If only the conclusion were a bit tighter, with the answer to the mystery being condensed more into one scene, this would have read like it were perfectly canon in every way.

Characters: 9/10
The characters in this story were excellent, hewing very closely to their show-interpretations in a way that made them feel like they belonged in this story, if that makes sense. Their interactions were very authentic, and each was distinct enough to keep track of their personalities. If there is a drawback to be had, it’s that nothing new is introduced for these characters. They are as they were in the show, nothing more and nothing less.

Final Word and Rating

10+8+9 = 27/30 = 90/100%

The Second Story Underwear Thief is a simple story, but one told by one with an exemplary command of their craft. It is a solid mystery story, masquerading as a comedy, and if one goes into it hoping for the former, as opposed to the latter, then one will not be disappointed.

To the author: There’s not much I can say to Mayorlight, in terms of fixing up or modifying their story. It’s excellently told, with only minor issues of execution holding it back. If you were to re-write this with a stronger emphasis on the mystery elements, with more suspects, more red herrings, and other trappings of the genre, I think the story itself would change very little, except to heighten what really works for you here. I would say the same for the climax of the story. If you just moved the reveal a bit further towards the end, this would have been a perfect mystery tale.

Feel free to comment below.

7361263
Thank you very much for reviewing my story. I greatly appreciate your insights and have updated the genre tag. Indeed, it does take more than a silly concept and a chaotic climax to constitute a comedy. I am glad that the mystery, abbreviated as it was, works and that I could capture the feel of an official Equestria Girls short.

7361263
are you a new reviewer? because I haven't seen you around here and I don't think you have your folder!

7362601
He quited the team, that is why he hasn't a folder anymore.

Oh.