TTime for a Conversation

• Equestria Girls
• Adventure
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Being forced to do a job or study something is never going to be enjoyable. will a conventional method work out for Flaming Star?

• OC
• Sunset Shimmer

armid · 5.5k words  ·  11  3 · 447 views

Written by armid

Summary: This story is a sequel to Control the Power

Flaming Star decided to fail in his exams. So his father won't be able to to make him a business man like himself. But things didn't go according to plan.

Analysis: I was intrigued by the idea of a sequel to the last story I read. I knew that the author was actually doing a speed writing contest last time, so it helps explain some of the misspellings. I was hopeful about this story being an improvement on the last one, and in some ways it was. I was happy that some of the spelling has improved, although there are still errors, shown by the two "to"s from the summary.

My other main problem in this story is the lack of a story. It was a nice basis for a story, trying to handle the idea of contrasting dreams and hopes. However, I feel like this story was way too short. It didn't play with the plot enough. We could have had Star actually talking to Celestia about his grades and surprising us with Sunset walking in. We could have seen some of his antics of trying to get out of studying.

To me, it just feels like the story is way too short to build character and get us invested. It feels like it's more of a concept than a fully executed story. It could have easily been a 3-4k word story, but It just falls short and makes the story seem rushed. I do wonder if this was another attempt at speed writing, but even then, it needs major editing.

Writing: 6/10 I'll admit that it's an improvement from last time, but there are some reoccurring errors. Let's go over the magor ones.
Comma errors:

Also, me and Steely are practicing with each other every day after school in Cars Gravyard.

I call her "Sunshine ". But she doesn't know that. Not yet, anyway.

I call her "Sunshine", but she doesn't know that. Not yet, anyway.

Bad grammar:

And guess who it was? Sunset Shimmer!

I had to spend a whole day sitting with her in the library. She explained all the answers to me and practiced them with me. That was extremely mega boring.

Misspelling words:

"So you haven't tried?"

After jumping over some buildings and stuff after school, I reached my home.

Okey, you got this. C'mon, his your father after all.

Okay, you got this. C'mon, he's your father after all.

Again, this isn't all of the mistakes, but it gives a general idea of some of the several errors in this story. There needs to be some more editing. I always recommend this free program to people who are able to use it because it works rather well for catching common errors, although I should warn you that it isn't perfect, and I would still recommend an editor.

https://app.grammarly.com/

The plot of the story: 6/10 As the last story took a more complex idea of the fear of one's abilities, this one seems to fall short and take a more simple tone of a fatherly misunderstanding. It does hold some promise, but this idea wasn't executed well when written. I loved the idea of Star trying to come up with clever ways of failing the questions, or even a more emotional conclusion. (I actually would have loved both)

I think going further into the background would have helped a lot with building the plot more, but that actually brings us towards...

Story Flow: 4/10 There was no meat in it! The first chapter skipped over so much, like Celestia's talk with Star, his act of trying to struggle in his studies, even going into what his dad's job is like and some details about what his mom was like would have helped. There was no building events to the emotional part with Sunset trying to reason with him, no build-up to Sunset's anger, and the talk with the dad was just too short.

I would have ended the story with a gag and have the burned report setting off the fire alarm and cause a little chaos, but that's just me being me. This wasn't a comedy.

There are short stories that thrive on simple ideas, but this story couldn't thrive without enough details. There are stories that are able to work well with only a little to work off of, and there are those where the writer struggles to do too much in too little time.

Final score. 16/30 5.3/10

This story was based on a simple idea that was supposed to help build Star's character, but it failed in adding enough detail to make this idea work. I ended up learning that the devil is in the details, and you can't just have your characters say everything. You need to let them interact with the world around them. It's hard, but without adding emotion and interaction, it will struggle as a story.

Keep working on it, and never be afraid to elaborate on your ideas. The first time writing a story shouldn't be the last time you go over it to fix any errors. (Trust me, I learned that from experience.)

7287118

Thanks, I will give it another check soon.

The reason why this story was too short is because it's a piece of Flaming Star's diary and we dot get the whole thing. Also he skips over stuff sInce that how tells the story.

But maybe you are right! I was holding myself back simply because of those reasons that I ended up not writting a good story.

The recent works are actually where I am rising again since I stablished the stuff I wanted beforehand. I'm certain that you will love "Be kidnapped, Be friends" thought you must wait a little.

I will go back on this story and improve. Be certain that will be great!