Wallflower's Little Side Business

[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

{WARNING!! THIS IS A MATURE STORY ABOUT SEX. AS SUCH, ONLY ADULTS SHOULD READ THIS AS I WILL BE DISCUSSING MATURE TOPICS AND USING MATURE LANGUAGE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.}

Before I start this, let me get this out of the way first, Holy Shit, this story gets to the sex in the span of three-hundred words. I’m fine with starting with some action, but when you begin with ‘So this was a relatively normal day’ only to jump to ‘and then I started pounding her brains out’ less than a minute later, the transition is seven layers of jarring. However, I should note that this story is basically just the plot to a porn. I’m not joking, if you have watched one or seen the joke of ‘(insert normal thing), and then they had sex,’ this is exactly what this story is. This was so antithetical to the stories I usually review and the reviewing criteria that I have developed that I needed to come up with a new way to score this, since, you know, you don’t examine ‘Big Tittied Milf Vacation: Cabo Dreams’ the same way as something like 1917 (the movie).

We have ourselves here the story of a humble weed merchant selling here wears when a bubbly pink human, unable to pay, solicits sexual services in exchange for payment. From there, we get to hear a collection of stories about several other such cases where weed is exchanged for sex in some form or another with a girl who’s packing something between those thighs.

So, let’s discuss the negatives, we need to first address the writing.

“Yeah, I get that a lot,”

She said before taking my dick into her mouth again,

This happens fairly often, and as you might guess, this is not the best way to format this as I am 90% sure this is breaking a rule of writing. The quote and the ‘X said’ need to be in the same paragraph, or if you have the line in its own paragraph, the person who said it should be obvious. Sans that, the writing doesn’t have much in the way of grammatical faults and issues in a structural sense, but I will say that the style leaves much to be desired.

Stylistically, this story is not exactly what I would call engaging porn. The major issue here is that everything feels so sterile description wise. There isn’t any zest or sections that make me imagine what is being described and get worked up about. All I read is it feels good, nothing to do with the individual sensations, and of the subtle actions, I’m just told that it feels good. Added on to this, there is next to no build up for either orgasming or the sex starting, it just sort of shows up and that’s your lot. And I would like to point out that there are at least seven words for a penis other than dick. You might want to use them in future stories as reading dick eight times in a row gets boring. It’s fine that the story is just sex focused, there is an appeal to that, but if there isn’t going to me much in the way of plot so that we just get the sex, that better be some top tier writing for the sex.

Finally, an issue I had with this story was its use of the futa tag. Now, with a good story, and this goes for everything, there needs to be internal consistency. If you were doing this story as set in some variation of Futa-Equestria, that would be fine. If you set this in a world where chicks having Dicks are not looked at favorably, that is fine as well. But when you have;

“I don’t really like it. Is kind of a secret,”

I admitted with some shame. I never thought of it as more than an inconvenience, and people would probably freak out if they knew.

Because of that, I never masturbated before.

and the rest of the story this little factor is never really addressed or relevant, I have brain aneurisms. What’s even worse is that her being this abnormality is shown to be a lie in chapter 4 when it is confirmed there are at least two others. Every female with a need for weed is lining up for that futa dick, and the most ‘hey, this isn’t normal’ reaction she gets is from males at the school. WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THE FLIPPING RULES OF THIS WORLD! GOD DAMN!

[realism note/gripe, condoms are for two things, preventing pregnancy (in which Wallflower doesn’t have a uterus from what I can tell unless she has some REALLY screwed up biology), and preventing STDs (and if that is why it was used, there are bigger problems than pregnancy that these teenagers need to be worried about).]

Final scores;

Porn Writing: 7/10, With the exception of the frankly irritating division of lines and the ‘x said’ there is this strange thing with paragraphs going on where some will have a space between them and others will be fused together. It just doesn’t look right with this mix. Either have the spacing between the paragraphs or don’t, as the mixing of these two things is not aesthetically pleasing.

Clop Appeal: 2/10, What am I meant to fap to? Actions have little to no build up, and the descriptions of the acts doesn’t really get me to say ‘man, I really need to beat my meat’ as things are described as plainly as I have seen in a porn story.

Porn Plot: 5/10, So, this story does something weird. For the first four and a half chapters it has the bare minimum when it comes to a plot, even for a porn flick this would be in the skinny side, only to show some semblance of a plot coming into existence in the last two chapters. It is decent and adds to the story in a way, but it comes out of left field and almost seems like it was thought up after the fact of chapter 4 as there didn’t seem to be any desire for a plot until then.

Porn Characters: 8/10, These characters feel decent, with personalities to a degree. If it were not for the last two chapters adding something to them other than methods for sex to come about, the score would have been lower as these characters are about as engaging as a porn character.

Porn Pacing: 4/10, If I am meant to fap, why is everything happening so fast? There needs to be some kind of padding to fill out the happenings from ‘sex began’ to ‘climax time’. Even with a porno or a well written clop story, there is some lingering on the goings-ons.

Total Score: 26/50 or 5.2/10, This was story that felt like it wanted to be a porno type deal with minimal plot and only sex that broke the cardinal rules of this type of story, only to pivot to a plot based one (sort of) at the end, and leave me disappointed there as well. I am not a hard guy to please when it comes to sex stories, but when even I have to say the clop isn’t doing it for me, you know there might be an issue or two with your story.

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Yeah, I was expecting as much, being my first story, in a different language than im used to, with word limit, and written in 11 hours straight with no sleep.
Weirdly is one of my more liked ones, but thi site is very confusing with public opinion.

I have been considering scrapping it and start again, although i'm not exactly sure how it works in this site, so I will use this as a guide.