Wings of Black Glass

Summary:

During a Wonderbolts exhibition at Mt. Aris, Rainbow Dash accidentally crashes at Sonic Rainboom speeds, nearly killing her. Her recovery is slow and painful, grounding her for months. While land-locked, she learns to appreciate life from the new perspective, as well as the pony caring for her.
At the same time, Applejack watches others form families of their own and starts to wonder if she’ll ever get a special-somepony for herself, or if she’ll end up alone. But she doesn't get any time to ponder that before she's suddenly thrust into a caretaker role for a badly wounded Pegasus...

This story covers Dash's crippling accident and her struggle to recover, as well as Applejack's attempts to help her recover and their growing relationship. I'd recommend this as a good love story.

Analysis: Well, this story has a pretty good basis, even though I think it has been done before. Dash seems to get a lot of stories involving her getting hurt and cared for by her friends, but in spite of this type of story being done before, I feel like this is a pretty wholesome story. There are a few errors and some questionable writing choices, but I can see why this is a well-received story.

Writing. 7/10 I find the choice of using the future tense style instead of a past tense style. It makes for some awkward sentences.

Applejack can’t help but watch them as they cross the yard, heading towards Ponyville. When Sugar Belle brushes her head up against Big Mac’s neck, something twinges in her heart. She subconsciously reaches up to her own throat.

Here is another sentence that is rather awkward.

But something is wrong, her limbs don’t respond. It takes all her effort to even open one eye, the ceiling is blurry and unfamiliar. Slowly she becomes aware of something else, a heavy weight across her arms, legs, and wings. Come on, move! But no matter how hard she struggles, she can’t move even her tail.

It feels rather awkward looking at this in a future tense style. It makes it confusing and sometimes hard to read. Even taking some of these sentences and putting some of the words could be a major improvement. Now there is another writing style that this story might have benefited from, but I'll get to this in the story flow.

The plot of the story: 6:10 The premise has admittedly been done before, especially with this couple. I also try to judge any uniqueness and twists that this story takes. It's not too bad of a premise, but I feel like a few touches could have helped it stand out more.

Story flow: 5/10 There is a lot of awkwardness in the flow of the story, namely in the cuts that don't give a good time frame and changes character perspective. Here is an example that shows how confusing it can be.

“Applejack, this isn’t some minor bruise or even a broken bone or two. She hit the mountain at Sonic Rainboom speed.” I can’t breathe. Vapor Trail sets a hoof on her shoulder, and Applejack can’t tell if the shaking is the Pegasus’s exhausted hoof or her own terror. “She’s in a coma, and she might not survive.”
The first thing she becomes aware of is beeping. An even, irritating, constant, beeping. The second thing is the voice.

Before you get any more confused, the italics are the character of focus's (Applecack's in this instance) thoughts. It takes a bit to figure out how who is talking. What I would personally do to make this story better is to first take all the cuts and make them chapters, so the start of the story down to the first cut is a chapter, etc. I would switch to a first-person perspective that can add even more uniqueness and character to the story. Then I'd add in italics of the pov of the character at the beginning of the chapter, even adding the time of events to help clarify how far into the future some of these cuts seem to take us. The first chapter would measure in minutes, second in days, and after that, it'll stretch out into months. Doing this will add a lot of clarity to the story, and make the italic thoughts make more sense.

Final score: 18/30-6/10

This story has some very simple errors that can be fixed, Even just dividing the story into chapters and adding the person of focus on top will make the story flow smoother. This writer did a pretty decent job, and with some simple edits and with a bit of advice, he can become a lot better. The writer had great ideas, all he needs is some experience and help. I'd recommend an experienced editor, and they have groups for those. I want to see this writer improve over time, and I can't wait to see what's next for him.

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Wings of Black Glass

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