Idol Hooves and The Deathly Tired Princess Written by

KarmaSentinal

Summary: Idol Hooves, is the only changeling in the entire Equestrian Guard and has been proudly serving for over a decade( while disguised). His enlistment buddy and friend, Shining Armor, the current Captain of the Guard is finally taking the next step to officially becoming Princess Cadence' s personal guard, 24/7.

With most guard being reassigned to the wedding, Idol (by Luna's demand) is given the temporary assignment to Princess Luna's guard given the shortage of Night Guard.

Now, after another all-nighter looking for potential threats and with Idol's persistence, Luna finally agrees and turns in for the day. With Idol Hooves being the sole guard watching Luna's door, a promise was made that could ruin Eqauestria.

Princess Luna will get her well deserved rest, and nothing short of Princess Celestia herself will wake the deathly tired princess.

Analysis: Okay, There are plenty of problems in this story, but I can say that Grammer is the main one. I find the comedy tag confusing, only finding the second chapter somewhat comedic. I struggled a lot with the first few chapters and trying to understand the characters and plot. However, the further I got into the story the more I understood it. There are quite a few parts I enjoyed at the end, but it was a challenge to read and understand namely due to the confusion of who is talking when the dialogue comes up. I noticed that this is based on another character that was written by another writer. I do wonder if reading that would give me more understanding of this character going into this story, but this was a 37 thousand word story and I had a month to read it. (The story this was based on is 150 thousand words long.) This is an emotional story if you can get past the roughness.

Writing: 6:10 There are many grammatical errors. Some of them are minor spelling errors. (I quoted the Summary from the actual story description. There are three errors. Can you find them?) The main problem is the inability to tell who is talking sometimes.

As quickly as Topaz could make the strange motions, Nymph’s colors were changing just as quickly: mane, coat, eyes, and tail. Each changing until given the ok from her pegasus guardian until all of her colors were the same as before.

“Ok Nymph, that’s enough excitement for now.”

“I can control them I promise! I haven’t spilled my colors in weeks, you can ask my friends!” pleaded the filly, hoping that would be enough to continue their game.

“I will ask them, but no more tag right now. Mother is expecting us soon and I fear the ‘scolding’ she’s already planning if we’re anymore late.”

“Scolding for you. She loves me!” Nymph’s knew how much the older mare loved her, and thus how much she could get away with.
“Yea, yea. Just remember, it isn’t me or my mother you have to worry about.” That wiped the smile off her muzzle.

“My sister, Celestia.” Princess Luna began, waiting long enough for me to look up before continuing.

“What do you think of her Idol Hooves?”

“Pardon me, Princess Luna?” I asked, trying not to taste her emotions as they danced around me.

There's a lack of paragraphs sometimes, and extra in others. There are even times when the gapping is mistimed. This story would need a serious going over to handle the errors and to help add some clarification in the conversations. It's not illegible, but hard to read.

The plot of the story: 7:10 It starts rough and provides little to no context of our characters. I made this mistake in a collab project, assuming that people will understand the background of a character that somebody else wrote about. However, there are some very good ideas here, but without prior knowledge, it makes it rough. My advice is to add a link to the story it was based on. That will smooth things over.

Story flow: 6:10. It took me some time to find the plot, but it's there. There are facts missing early on, and I was trying to figure out where this story was supposed to be going. The ending struggled a little, and it showed.

Overall score: 6.3

This has the foundation of a good story, but the errors in communication made it hard for me to gain a full understanding. It ended stronger than it started, and in spite of my score, I liked the story once I understood what was going on. I feel like I could have scored the story better if I had read the one this was based on, but I had to base this on what I had presented to me. I'd recommend having an editor go over the whole story to help with the dialogue spacing. I'd also take out the comedy tag and put a clear link to the story you based this on. Keep up the good work.

Yea, this story is based off Vdrake's Idol Hooves story, and was written entirely with the assumption the reader has read his story. If you get the chance or interest, I suggest giving the first several chapters a read because its a treat.

Second, there originally wasn't any plot for this story because it was a one-shot of my interpretation of an event that has yet to happen in his story. Several fan fics have done something similar, but enough people liked my take and wanted to know what happen next and thus the second chapter came forth. After those first two chapters, I continued having more ideas which spawned the story you read, meaning the plot materialized after the third chapter.

Even with all the hiccups, I'm glad you gave my story a shot and found some enjoyment.