EA blind perspective

• MLP: FiM
• Sad
• Slice of Life

When Fluttershy loses her vision how will she deal with it?

• Fluttershy
• Discord
• Other
• Main 6

Light Heart101 · 15k words  ·  49  0 · 1.5k views

Overall, I enjoyed this story. It feels like something that the show might tackle, given that it handles a sensitive issue in a delicate manner. The story in particular shows how this devastating handicap and explores Fluttershy’s relations with her friends, particularly Discord. The story does contain quite a few grammatical hiccups and some instances of show don’t tell, but other than that it is definitely a solid piece. 

All in all, the plot progresses logically and remains straightforward. Fluttershy faces conflict as she attempts to cope with being temporarily blinded, while dealing with the ramifications that her blindness may be permanent. 

This being said, there are a few aspects of the story that I found odd. First of all, the narration. The narrator appears to be both omnipresent third person yet at the same time seems to follow Fluttershy. Sometimes the narrator will describe an action that isn’t perceivable by Fluttershy, and other times an action is speculative because Fluttershy can’t see it.

If the narrator is truly omniscient, then they should know of all actions unfolding in the story. If the narrator is following Fluttershy, then actions that she can’t see shouldn’t be described. Which narration style to use is up to the author, but personally I’d love to see more of the second kind.

Immerse us more in Fluttershy’s experience. The author does a great job painting how terrifying the world is to her, being unable to see, but this can be carried out to a further extent through the narration style. She can hear noises, for example, and guess what’s going on, but never know exactly what’s in front of her, instead of simply narrating that ‘Twilight sat down across from her.’

Next, there are a few sparse instances of ‘show don’t tell.’ For example, I’ll point out the beginning paragraph:

Pinkie Pie had her class going full force today. She decided to have a baking challenge to get the students to be creative and try new ideas. She promised that the student with the best cupcakes would be allowed to try her new recipe. She was keeping it a secret, but just between us, it's fresh morning supreme. It's an apple muffin with a maple filling topped with caramel frosting. Sounds good, doesn't it?

As it stands, this paragraph is sound and fine, but it could be improved to help set the scene better. The author could, for example, describe the smells and sounds of the kitchen to help the reader picture the chaotic scene. 

There are also a few subplots in the story, and the author does a fair job of managing each storyline and tying it all together by the end. I do have a few notes that I’ll address later, but the one thing I will say is that the story gets a bit repetitive.

Fluttershy learns early on that she can hone in her other senses as opposed to her eyesight and does so rather quickly. Towards the end, she is able to demonstrate a few of these senses in the classroom to the other students. But, the process of developing these skills isn’t really gone over. Personally I’d find it interesting to learn how Fluttershy learns to discern between different smells, identify noises, and other skills that she demonstrates.

There are quite a few characters in this story. Fluttershy is obviously the main character, and Discord seems to be a strong secondary character. But besides them, the main six, Starlight, the young six, and a few OC’s (I think they’re OC’s) make appearances as well, and each one seems to play a varying degree of importance.

The doctor in the beginning, for example, is described in a fair bit of detail and given a name, yet he does not appear again until the very last chapter. I find it hard to say with certainty that this character, although well developed, plays a very significant role in the story.

Similarly, Applejack is also in the story, yet she doesn’t really affect the plot in any way, shape, or form. Whereas every other main six member has a dedicated scene where they try to help Fluttershy in some way, Applejack merely gets a short paragraph at the beginning of the chapter that seems inconsequential to the story.

Of the other two OC’s, I do think that Summer Dew plays an important role in this story, serving as someone who has experienced exactly what Fluttershy is experiencing. That being said, she only appears once to offer advice, then again at the end to congratulate her on healing. I’d love to have this be teased out more, with interactions between the two, perhaps as Summer teaches her skills to Fluttershy?

Finally, the last OC does not seem necessary at all to the story. Light Heart, while intriguing, only serves to appear in one scene and read a story to Fluttershy. Beyond that, he doesn’t seem relevant at all, although I’m guessing the author is hinting at a connected universe here and is giving him a cameo. Still, I think that Light Heart could be made into a more important character if he had some more scenes, more dialogue, and more action, but as it stands right now he doesn’t seem to fit in. 

While reading through the story, I noticed that the author tends to use semicolons in the place of commas. This link (https://www.grammarly.com/blog/semicolon/) helps to explain the difference, and consulting an experienced editor may also help iron out these mistakes.

There are also a few title case errors as well. The titles of places, names, and brands should have every word minus prepositions like ‘a’ or ‘the’ capitalized. For example, ‘sweet apple acres’ should be written as ‘Sweet Apple Acres.’

There were also a few typos (which I can gladly point out to the author), but ultimately these errors do not detract too much from the story. 

I have to give props to the author: the concept is very well developed and executed, and the topic selected is most definitely a serious one that needs addressing. The story is sad and heartwarming, and gives a message of hope. By adjusting a few things, this story can be even more powerful than it currently is. 

I’d recommend this story to anyone who likes Fluttershy or stories about overcoming adversity. 

I’d recommend that you have an editor review your work or give your work another editing pass, just to fix some small tiny details to strengthen your work. Besides that, congratulations on a job well done. 

I do have my reading notes for your fic, if you would like to see them let me know.

Plot: 9
Characterization: 8
Grammar: 7

Average: 8.33

7174036
Thank you. I am not the best at grammar, and I had a hard time finding editors for this one. This was an early attempt at writing for me, so I was bound to make mistakes. (I got an app to help me with my grammar. It's helped me more in my recent work.) I will admit that my OC was just there for a cameo and I appreciate the recommendations. I'll remember this for my future stories.

7174047
Any time! Great work for an early story! I do have my reading notes if you wish to see them.

7174055
Sure, and do you do editing?

7174056
I don't consider myself to be a professional editor but there are plenty of editors out there!

7174064
Yeah, I haven't been lucky. I'm working on a new project involving several OCs from a few writers and Dr. Wolf, who I asked for permission to write about a while ago.

7174065
Sorry to hear that! I'd be willing to have a look at what you've got if you can't find an editor. Good luck on that project!

Yeah. I just started. If you wish I can send the link to the doc and let you have a sneak peek. Just don't mess with the notes on the top. It's for reference for the OCs and will not be in the story.

7174070
Yeah, I could take a look

7174077
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GXywgjuyh6DCLDCvjKFTpNZJY7hqcrpKIqIgss6cYvc/edit?usp=sharing
Just know that the project is very early. I don't even have the first chapter done. the notes are oddly paced because I copied them from the applications I gave when requesting OCs. I didn't get an OC for the main Twilight role, so I used the actual Twilight. Don't question the second Twilight role.

The basis of this is Light Heart writes a play about Dr Wolf and talks him into letting him do it. However, two golden rules happen throughout the play that throws the whole thing off. What can go wrong will go wrong, and the show must go on. This story is inspired by The Play that Goes Wrong.

7174090
That sounds like an amazing idea! Feel free to DM me when you're ready for me to give feedback or editing notes!