EThe Sacred Order

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Mystery

A secret order gathers in the darkness of Equestria. Their eyes set upon Princess Twilight Sparkle as they seek to fulfill their beloved Mistress Holy Task, no matter what... The end result is far less worrisome than most would expect.

• Alt. Universe
• Twilight

Greatazuredragon · 5.3k words  ·  242  2 · 2.9k views

Summary:

In this story there is a secret order that has one main goal and focusing on archiving it. Most of the story is about their meeting and execute the plan. Towards the end we see if they succeed or fail and how that affects the Alicorn Princesses.

Let us start with something positive, the main idea for the story. It is something most of us may have thought about, or noticed like the author did about the show and it's ending, but in the end Greatazuredragon has written it out. It is a realistic, showstyle idea that would have fit for the future of the main show to a degree. So therefore most of us will get a showstyle-moment by reading the end of this story.

Though, how the author presented this idea was not that good to be honest. The problem starts already with the long description which is a bit to spoilering and long, it drags down the mystery a bit, though, I must confess, since the story got featured, it seems to work still.

If we go over to the start of the story however, there we have another bigger problem which pervade through the whole story, exaggeration. In nearly each paragraph there is the secret duty they have to do mentioned and how special and secret it is and how important and that they can not allow themselves to fail and all that secret conspiracy stuff. It gets uninteresting really quick.
-> If everything is super special, none is. If you write that every action they do and everything they think about is super duper extra special, and that all the time, it becomes the normal.

Another point is the lack of context at the first half of the story, since the reader don't know what the task of them is, and why it is important, along with this all are Oc's, the reader may not care for their task at all and therefore don't worry if they succeed or not.

On the upside again however, is the ending. When everything is revealed, it makes a lot more sense and entertains, also reminds of some show character in a good way. The ending worked after all. Also I want to point out the moment right before the end when the Oc's run into the show chars for the finale, that was a tense moment, since the reader do care for the princesses from the show. Here the concept worked since there was no long build up and introduction needed.

Rating:
Story Idea: 7/10 Most of us would have thought about it, but to write it out and fill in the details was done in a good way.
Writing Style 2/10 As I said, many repeating of the importance of the tasks and way over the top with this conspiracy stuff.
Entertainment 4/10 The ending is quite good, but the rest is to heavy buried under the main theme.
Mystery 5/10 Well there is something suspicious going on, and towards the end it gets interesting and tense.

18/40 -> 5/10

Additional Feedback:
Well, first of all, I would say that there is a better hook needed at the start of the actual story. Either some show char that the reader care about or a better more directly explanation why this task of them is so important to equestria or whomever. The point is, the reader should care. Random Oc's with some vague task is not that interesting if one don't know the stakes. Also work a bit on the writing style and tiny events, like when the main mare is passing the guards and wards. A short shock moment here, a risky situation there, something that let the reader worry or surprise them. Many good stories let the reader know the char in question is not really in danger, but the moment you read the scene, let you worry.

7136092
Okay, let's see how my first reviewed work ever faired.

So you liked the idea, nice. Now to see the problems.
Hmm, I hadn't considered the long description as a possible problem. Not sure how to fix that to be honest. I tryed to keep it sucint but at the same time conveying enough info to entice the readers.
Yeah, I must admit that I have a tendency to overdetail things at times, I'm trying to curb it, but it's a work in progress.
The lack of detail was intentional, as I wanted the reader to slowly piece together what the order was up to. But I can see your point of it making some care less about it. Food for thought.
And the end worked out, good to know since it was basicaly the linchpin of the whole story.

The idea of the 'agent' having a few scares and risky moments has a lot of merit, and I agree that I could have made the story better. Wish I had thought about it as I wrote it.
A better hook at the start is also a good idea, not sure how to implement it withouth spoiling the surprise at the end though.

Overal the rating is harsh but fair, I think. But considering that I wrote this story in a couple of afternoons I would say it's not bad. Not good, but also not bad.

Thanks for the honest criticism and the review.

Ps. What did you think about the grammar of the story? English is not my first language and I didn't have a Beta for this story, so some honest feedback about it, even if in general terms, would be apreciated.

7136165
Well it is not my first language either, but I am curious which is your mother language?

If you curious about the gramma and such you should ask one of the editors, or in the editor group. My personal english skill is not high enough to judge yours. Though I think with your votes on the story and if there is no complains in the comment section you are fine.

7136573
Okay.
And my mother language so happens to be Portuguese.
"Saudações do Brasil!"/Greetings from Brazil!

What's yours?

7136581
German: Grüße aus Deutschland🐉

7136604
So we both speak tricky languages with very convoluted rules. Neat.
I really should be used to it already, but part of me never ceases to be amazed when I realize I'm talking with someone more than half-the-world away.
Thanks for the feedback Drache!

Ps. Oh, out of curiosity, does the group review ongoing stories, or only complete works?

7136626
You can place anything in the proper folders, if someone picks it is another story. Just check on the personal threats of the reviewers if they do your storytype and it is fine.

Yes, silly gramma and spelling rules! Though, honestly, english has some very silly tense rules

Btw, Drache means dragon so we ar eboth Azure Dragons

7136639
True, some of english rules are pretty silly, but considering the bizantine mess that are portuguese gramatical rules english ends up being pretty tame.

And I had no idea that Drache was Dragon!
Well met my fellow azure dragon!

7136659
Sadly a lot of people don't get that, even with how similar it is and all

7136660
I think it's because it's similar that people don't normaly get it. They may consider it for a moment, but it's diferent enough for them to dismiss it as they being silly.