A Nightmare in Eidolon by FolkloreBrony
Welcome to Alice in Eidolon, I mean Nightmare in Wonderland, I mean Nightmare in Eidolon. The story that gets a bit meta a bit quick. It even starts going the direction of The Wizard Of Oz. We start off with Nix, getting the shit scared out of her by not the canker man and subsequently waking up having participated in a wet t-shirt contest in her sleep, except she doesn't have a t-shirt. We learn that not Nightmare Moon has been attacking itself in its confusion for the last few months. Silly not Nightmare Moon, you’re supposed to give other ponies pants-shitting terror every night. From there we experience the life of your average school child, you know, talking to friends, planning out Halloween, going over the memory of being beaten within an inch of your life in some dark alleyway, your typical 4th-grade happenings. We learn that Nix can’t just pony up and go on a simple journey to procure sweetened snacks and just has to make a big deal over ponies not liking her, and wanting her dead, and wishing she never existed. Jeez, what a drama queen. We then get to see; Luna get bodied, Celestia pull an armageddon, and Twilight engage in some casual murder before we go down the rabbit hole with Nyx Gale as she descends into wonderland and is told to follow the standard stone road to find the Wizard, I mean Emperor. There’s even a little toad with a cute little fez and tie. Awww, it thinks it’s people.

So this was quite possibly one of the most pleasant surprises I have had in a while. I have found an author that has a style of writing extremely similar to my own, it almost feels weird reviewing this. So for those of you who don't know, this style is marked by a fairly slow pace, extensive descriptions, and a general slice-of-life esque tone to everything. Now by slow, I’m not saying that it’s ploding, because it isn’t, it’s just paced in the same way that non-action filled stories are, like what you see in 12 Angry Men. Now, this might not be for everyone, but for those of you like me you want the stories they read to really worldbuild, delve into the characters, and generally not try to blaze through everything like most Hollywood blockbusters, this is a godsend. Additionally, the author has actually taken the time to have this story edited as I noticed very few things that I would classify as mistakes when it comes to grammar and construction. It was well done in this regard and showed some great love for their work. Next, we get to have some excellent world building. Now, I haven’t read Past Sins, so I have no clue how much of the non-Eidolon content comes from the author and what comes from the source, but I do have to say the lore is handled quite well. There in enough intrigue here that I was interested throughout reading it. Finally, we have the characters. Everyone is handled quite well and seems to have been fleshed out as characters and are not just there because plot.

So, what didn’t I like. For one, this story is verbose, even more so than I’m used to, or even do myself. As many of you might know, I edit for someone that loves archaic writing, and strangely enough, this was so wordy that I actually started to feel like I was reading a story from a person just as enamored as they were. When even I am saying you want to tone down your word count, the dude that has to be FORCED to write sub 5K chapters, you might want to tone it down. Additionally, there should have been just a little more originality when it came to Eidolon. This is an entirely new world with new mechanics and is in a sort of dream realm, this should have been an exciting moment, so why was one of my first thoughts after we meet the flowers and Mr. Toad, ‘Oh, the world of Alice in Wonderland got ponificated and given the plot of Wizard of Oz’? I will say, if the author wouldn't have straight up had the Halloween costumes literally be Alice in Wonderland, I might not have noticed, but he did, and as such, I have. And to finish this off, I am probably one of the few people that think of dark as something that needs to be in all (or most) aspects of a work to be labeled as dark. What was really dark here? I have a discerning taste when it comes to dark, so much so, that my own story, where I am going to be using dark gods inspired by Bloodborne (which was inspired by Lovecraft) is not going to be labeled as dark, and arguably it has some FAR darker concepts that are going to be handled. I just can't see the justification just yet for having that tag.

{Interesting factoid, this story would have technically broke the site’s rules a few years ago. Happy birthday was a copyrighted song until 2016}.

Final scores;

Writing; 9/10, This was well written and only contained a few flaws here and there in addition to the fairly consistent occurrence of over-explanation. While I do have an issue with the abundant use of ‘X said’ and similar phrases that would result in the use of a comma before the quotation mark, I recently learned that this is a personal thing indicative of my own style. I would like to express that it would be nice to see a few more dialogues where the dialogue is the only part of the paragraph without the use of action descriptors as there becomes an odd-looking (at least to me) situation where several dialogues come one after another and everyone is just saying things. Finally, I felt that the general form of the story might read a little better if it was tightened a bit.

There before her, the princess of the night hung suspended in air, gasping uncontrollably as she was held by the power of a mysterious silver mist, tendrils ripping into her spirit making her cry out in pain. Pools of black ooze dripped from the tears it had inflicted on her, bubbling dark magic that burned the bed sheets like acid. The tendrils pulsed as the mist drained her, sucking away whatever it desired like a hungry parasite.

Compared to;

Instead, what Celestia witnessed upon entering the room was her sister, suspended there above her own bed, gasping uncontrollably as she was being held up by a mysterious silver mist, tendrils of which were ripping into her spirit and making her cry out in pain. Pools of bubbling dark magic, appearing as a sort of black ooze, dripped from the wounds that had been inflicted on her, burning the bedsheets like acid. The tendrils pulsed as the mist drained her, sucking away whatever it desired like a hungry parasite.

{Chapter 4; I think psychical should be physical unless the wounds were not real, because I don't consider psychic and emotional trauma to be too dissimilar.}

Pacing; 8/10, While the flow of the story is superb, there are several sections where the author got a little too into describing things.

Nyx looked around at the playground adorned in beautiful warm colors, leaves matting the grass in hues of orange and red. The courtyard trees swayed gently in the breeze, the sound of their crinkling leaves carried on the wind. Autumn had come over Equestria, and it was by far her favorite time of year. The way the colors changed from shades of green to the warm vivid shades of the Fall, the sudden chill that was brought on by the gentle wind, it was all so peaceful and lovely. And of course, the color of her fur helped as well, her shiny black coat absorbing the warmth of the sun far better than any other. She breathed in the cold air as young colts and fillies run around while others played on the slides and swings, while still others sat in groups, eating their lunches. In fact, in one particular corner, on a bench between the bushes and swings, the Cutie Mark Crusaders sat enjoying their meals, deep in conversation.

Compared to;

Nyx looked around at the playground and admired how the leaves’ beautifully hues of orange and red matted the ground’s green grass. She always loved this time of year; the trees swaying gently in the breeze, the sound of their crinkling leaves carried on the wind, the way the colors changed from shades of green to warmer colors, the sudden chill that was brought on by the gentle wind, it was all so peaceful and lovely. But most of all, she loved how her shiny black coat absorbed the warmth of the sun. 

Breathing in the cold air, Nyx watched as her classmates ran around, played on the slides and swings, or sat in groups, eating their lunches. One particular group was situated on a corner bench between the bushes and the swings, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They were enjoying their meals, and looked to be deep in conversation.

If you do a word count, this is 170 words vs 149, and even then, this is just me trying to keep the central message, I would personally axe most of the description of Fall because it's not really needed, unless there is a large contingent of readers on this site that are unfamiliar with deciduous trees, the idea of seasons, and the fact that people can enjoy these things that I am ignorant of.

Characters; 9/10, This was very well done. We get very good examinations of why everyone acts the way that they do and people seem to be behaving like, you know, people, warts and all. What would have made this a 10/10 would have been if there was just a little more complexity to why everyone was acting a particular way, or better put, if the characters were just that little bit more fleshed out and three dimensional.

Wordbuilding; 8/10, There were many interesting ideas that were introduced, and many interesting ideas that make the world feel more lived-in and not just as a stage for the characters to implement story3498760.exe. As stated, I haven't read Past Sin, and something I would have really appreciated would have been a little more explanation as to why everyone was so hostile towards Nyx, preferably before it was explained in chapter 6. As a reader, I was flying in quite very blind for the first few chapters and had to really look for any explanation as to what in the heck was going on. So while the story's worldbuilding is solid, It suffers from a bit of shallowness as there is an assumed understanding of the source material, something I was told I didn't need. That being said, I would have really appreciated just a little more creativity when it came to introducing the titular location… 

Atmosphere; 9/10, ...That being said, the atmosphere was really spot on for this story. We start with an oppressive atmosphere for Nyx and we transition to a great version of Wonderland where the tone of insanity is well established and maintained and transition back to a world of mystery and generally suck. 

Total score; 43/50 or 8.6/10, This was a well-done story with solid execution, only lacking in the fleshing out of the world and having what I consider to be the optimal structure for writing. 

Oh, I've been seeing this story popping up in my feed for a while. Cool to see someone reviewing it! ...even if that review has paragraphs the size of my whole screen

Awesome review, Schatten! Though I think it would be a good idea to point out exactly what you're changing in the quotes, it's kinda difficult to spot all the differences when the quotes are this length. Also, what's the difference in the quotes for the one with Luna? You didn't really explain it that much

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I choked a little on that rather interesting plot summary you made. Thanks for the laugh. I found this review extremely informative, as even though I appreciate positive feedback, I often crave negative perspectives to challenge what I've done. I love both my editors Salty and Scar respectively, but they tend to focus more on the positive as they have admitted that they ARE biased toward the story itself. Now, on to the criticism.

I find myself blushing a little at the prospect of being too wordy on habit. This is something I've developed since my writing influences, both Tolkien and Crichton, tend to delve into their worlds with enough detail to fill an encyclopedia(Crichton especially since he goes with in-depth forensic, biological, and evolutionary theory). I'm also a little embarrassed that in all my writing I neglected to explain properly the events of the previous story, 'Past Sins'. I suppose my own preexisting knowledge of the subject seeped through that it just didn't occur to me to elaborate.

Onto the issue with both being a little unoriginal with Eidolon and not exactly being Dark in concept, both of these issues unfortunately only get expanded upon in the chapters I have YET to upload. Then again, I do realize that perhaps I should have given a little more wonder to the world on first impression(The Alice in Wonderland costumes were more of an afterthought with my editors and we all thought it was a good idea at the time. I see now why it's a bit of a problem). With the Dark aspect, the irony is that if I had released this story two weeks earlier I would have released chapters 11 and 12 by now, and you'd probably be singing a different tune about how the story 'doesn't seem to earn that tag'. As it is at this point, the Dark aspect in more of an undertone that has slowly been rising, but not yet noticeable. This is one of two criticisms I really have any issue with, but again they are mostly MY fault in nature.

The other criticism I contend with is the complexity and third-dimension of the characters. Again, this is more my fault than anything, as I go more into detail as to the TRUE motivations of the characters in the second half of the story. Examples ranging why Diamond Tiara now has a passive/aggressive attitude towards Nyx as compared to the bully/victim relationship of 'Past Sins', Nyx's true motivations and why she's far more aggressive and cynical compared to Pen Stroke's work, to the reveal of why the Phantom brought Nyx to Eidolon in the first place.

All-in-all, however, I am thankful for this review. It's given me a new perspective into what works and what doesn't, and I, who currently is working on chapter 13 and will need to finish 8 more chapters after that before this story is completed, will be adding the criticisms of this review to my revisionist notes, as I plan on going over the whole story after it's finished to work on a massive 'Master Edit'. I now know I need to add more detail at the beginning to the origins of Nyx and events of the previous story, and that I need to go back and do some trimming work.

I thank you for your time reading and reviewing my story, I'm extremely excited that you enjoyed it so and added it to your recommended! You have no idea how much that feeds into my pride. I look forward to reading your thoughts on the story as a whole when I finish it. I hope you have a nice day.

(P.S. Do I get a reward for longest response?)

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If I did point out what I corrected it would look nightmarish to the eyes as it amounts to almost a full overhaul. But I'll indulge you;

Nyx looked around at the playground and admired how the leaves’ beautifully hues of orange and red matted the ground’s green grass. She always loved this time of year; the trees swaying gently in the breeze, the sound of their crinkling leaves carried on the wind,adorned in beautiful warm colors, leaves matting the grass in hues of orange and red. The courtyard trees swayed gently in the breeze, the sound of their crinkling leaves carried on the wind. Autumn had come over Equestria, and it was by far her favorite time of year. tThe way the colors changed from shades of green to warmer colors the warm vivid shades of the Fall, the sudden chill that was brought on by the gentle wind, it was all so peaceful and lovely. But most of all, she loved how her shiny black coat absorbed the warmth of the sun. And of course, the color of her fur helped as well, her shiny black coat absorbing the warmth of the sun far better than any other. {Add paragraph} BreathingShe breathed in the cold air, Nyx watched as her classmatesyoung colts and fillies raun around, while others played on the slides and swings, orwhile still others sat in groups, eating their lunches. OIn fact, in one particular group was situated on a corner, on a bench between the bushes and swings, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They weresat enjoying their meals, and looked to be deep in conversation.

And for the Luna quote, I reorganized the structure of the paragraph and added clarification to a few things to make it sound better to me.

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Yes, you are one of the few people that respond to my reviews with more than a thanks.

P.s. Yes, you get the reward for longest response, my deepest appreciation for respecting the time and effort it takes to write these reviews.

P.s.s. Look at my user page and scroll to the section just above the user comments.

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*Happy squeals*