Good evening, everyone! I’m back with another review. Let’s see what’s on the table today, eh?

TRarity's a Sociopath

• Equestria Girls
• Drama
• Sad
• Tragedy

Rarity has antisocial personality disorder. Normally, that's not a problem. Then Cadance gets involved.

• Sex
• Human
• Alt. Universe
• Rarity
• Shining Armor
• Dean Cadance
• Sci-Twi

leeroy_gIBZ · 5.3k words  ·  147  16 · 3k views

A quick summary…

The story revolves around Rarity, who’s trying to live as a functioning member of society, while at the same time being a sociopath. The plot consists of Cadance confronting her about her abusive behaviour towards Sci-Twi, whom she’s in a relationship with, though it takes a backseat to just the undiluted look at Rarity’s thoughts while she waits in a high-class cafe on a calm day.

Review

A quick disclaimer! I’m not a psychologist (or should that be psychiatrist?). I have no experience whatsoever with people who have Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and everything I know about it comes from Googling around on the net. With that out of the way...

Rarity is a sociopath.

That much is evident from even the most cursory reading of one of the story’s paragraphs. 

But it's her lack of self-esteem that I do wish to stress here. Certainly, perhaps unfortunately, she’s made leaps and bounds of progress ever since transferring schools. However, despite Sunset’s best efforts, she’s remained quite the doormat. Obviously, she isn’t in the same league as Fluttershy is, but said fuchsia-haired supermodel is, alas, straight.

What I am trying to put across here is that Twilight, when with somebody she’s rather fond of, melts into the sort of person you can literally slap an apology out of.

The narration is cold, totally detached, and egotistical; but it also has the elegance I’d expect Rarity to have. Her flow of thoughts is manipulative and quite obviously different from a normal person’s; but it also makes a kind of sense, for someone who’s unable to empathise with other people at all. Rarity is a sociopath. And the story does a stellar job of conveying that, through writing style and word choice.

That’s the mechanical aspect. Storytelling wise?

Hm. Well that’s the hard part, isn’t it?

My instincts tell me that having a chunk of words that take up more than half the story spent on exposition is not good, and that having that exposition basically told to the readers in a long monologue is doubly bad. Indeed, the monologue is a little excessive at times with telling, which becomes noticeable when the story starts talking about, say, what ASPD actually is, or the specificities of Rarity’s family background. There are also several parts that could be cut totally from the story without affecting much, which would make for a much more concise read.

But, well, to tell the truth, when I was reading the story I didn’t really mind the pacing. I didn’t really mind reading more of Rarity’s thoughts, because I was just basking in the writing style. A monologue with a length of just over three thousand and seven hundred words is a difficult thing to pull off, but Leroy's compelling writing style was, for me, enough to carry it most of the way through. 

Anyway, on to more familiar grounds. The second part of the story happens just over halfway through, when Cadance enters the scene, and all the information we’ve been told comes together in a captivating conversation between her and Rarity.

Tension is the name of the game here. 

“You know,” she chuckled. “I actually used to teach a girl like you. Well, not so much teach as care for, but I worked hard nonetheless. Mind me saying, but you do really remind me of her. It must be the eyes.”

“Huh.” I managed.

“Her name was Pastel Palette.”

That is an odd coincidence. I ruined that girl’s life.

There’s a nice sense of unease that Cadance introduces to Rarity’s otherwise cool and collected attitude. The suspense through the scene was delicious, and I really enjoyed the well-crafted dialogue. I’d love to talk more about it but I don’t think that a review is the place for in-depth analysis of a scene, so I’ll just leave it at that.

I'm gonna point out, though, that Rarity's lack of any emotional reaction here does make the scene feel a little flat. I'd say this is because of her condition, but the ending narration has her losing control in a great way. The scene still works as it is though. 

Speaking of the ending: I really enjoyed it! It humanises Rarity enough for us to empathise with her, and the condition she’s stuck in. Not an easy task, considering that she’s a sociopath. Out of the whole story, it’s the last few paragraphs, when Rarity’s leaving the cafe, that stick with me.

Sometimes, I want to be content and compassionate and I want to no longer have to worry about all of these ridiculous situations and nuances I’m always needing to weasel my way out of.

Sometimes, I wish I was normal.

But that will never happen.

Scores

Grammar and Use of Language
The writing here is almost immaculate. Rarity’s character shines as much from the writing style as from the contents of her monologue, and it’s pretty clear Leroy has a great mastery of the language . Aside from some almost unnoticeable errors here and there (might want to watch out for tense in particular, especially between past perfect and simple past tense), all in all great writing!

9.5/10

Story Structure
The beginning monologue is very long-winded, and it’s definitely going to be the major thing that’ll drive people away. Still, Rarity's unusually callous thoughts will probably be enough to make up for this for most people. 

7/10

Characters, Dialogue, Interactions
Okay, so like I said, I don’t have any experience with ASPD. Rarity seems to tick most of the boxes I have in mind, though, at least from what I’ve seen online, so great job nailing the ‘sociopathy’ part! Character interactions here are mostly limited to the second part of the story, but they feel natural, and the way the suspense is built through the scene is pretty masterful. 

8.5/10

In summary…

How much you'll find yourself liking this story probably depends on how much you enjoy the writing style. If you like it, the story's probably going to be a great read. If not, it's going to be a slog getting through the opening monologue. It's certainly an interesting concept though — if you're not too put off by the tangents and almost excessive use of flowery language and proper nouns, I'd definitely recommend it!

For being a creative story told through a perspective that's both unusual and unusually nuanced, this story gets a 8.5/10 from me, with the caveat that your enjoyment will vary based on how much you find a sociopath rambling about her life interesting. This one's definitely getting an upvote and a favourite from me though.

…

Yeah, that's not quite all I wanted to say. I have a bunch of actual feedback that I at first would have included in the review, but it was starting to look a bit too much like one of my pre-reading PMs, so I've transferred it down below. 

Feedback for Leroy

I want to first talk about the opening monologue of the story. As much as I've already spoken about how I don't mind the pace, there's no getting around the fact that it's a 3.7k word chunk of story dedicated to telling us all the important plot points we'll need to understand the following scene. I suspect it’s as much to do with the competition requirement for a ‘one-shot’ as any creative decision on your part, though.

Still, you could definitely be more concise, especially in your use of tangents. I understand their use in the beginning to show Rarity's character, but after a while they just get in the way of the other information. 

Let’s also talk a bit about the second part, which is a structure of story I’m much more familiar with.

Most of my issues are with the buildup. The way you reveal that Cadance knows about what Rarity is doing is great. But at the same time, we don't see much emotional reaction from Rarity. She also still seems fully in control of the situation most of the way through, and as a result we don't feel that she has much to lose from this conversation. In other words, we're less emotionally invested in the story than we could be. On the level of the scene, this makes it much less suspenseful that it could have been. 

And finally, as a whole story: I really feel like there was too much focus on the beginning monologue. Because of the amount of time you lingered here, the story felt very... static. Nothing really happens as you’re delivering exposition (and it’s very well-written exposition at that, but still), and as much as I enjoyed reading it, it does tend to get boring.

Phew! This was not an easy review to write, and the non-traditional perspective and structure certainly didn't help much. I really didn’t know how to judge this one, so if you disagree with anything, or if any of my points don't make any sense, feel free to leave a comment below!

...and, since I'm just about halfway done with the next one, the next story I'm going to reviewing is The Black Sheep, by Irrespective.

6966915
Thanks for the review mate. Although I'm pretty happy with the way this turned out overall, I do agree - Rarity's and Cadance's arguement did deserve a bit more focus than the monologue. Anyway, if you liked this, feel free to check out the sequel here - I've used somewhat of a faster pace for it.