TMy Date With Ms. Harshwhinny

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Comedy
• Slice of Life

Single, nerdy, and eccentric stallion, Comet Burst, ends up being paired up with Ms. Harshwhinny on a blind date.

• OC
• Ms. Harshwhinny

CrazyChickenLady · 16k words  ·  20  2 · 663 views

Summary:
A story about some kind of blind date between an Oc and Ms. Harswinny.

Well, the story starts a bit slow and get lost in descriptions and info-paragraphs, though, it gets some more speed after the first half of the first chapter. The Oc, Comet Burst, points a bit with his optimism and Ms. Harswinny with her more distant, upper glass downlooking behaviour, plays a good counterpart which creates room for interesting and entertaining scenes. Sometimes, the story flows quite well and exspecial Ms. H is written fairly good in my small opinion, her thoughts and behaviour supportes the stories quality. But, the main ideas and exspecial the comedy part falls a bit short or flat. It is not like there is no comedy, and of course there is some fluff to make the story interesting, but it stretches at some points and fails to really entertain.

I think my main problem with this story is that the focus is on how the author want the character interactions to be happen, and keeps it always on them without the entertainment factor in mind.

Pros
Ms. Harshwinny's behavious and way of speaking sounds right.
The main idea why they have a blind date is unusal, so entertaining.
Some well placed references to various real life stuff.

Cons:
A bit much description on the start.
The first date scene does not much to impress.
The theatre scene feels as boring for the reader as for the characters in the story.

Rating:
Idea: 6/10 Solid
Characters 8.5/ 10 Good, in case of Ms.H very good.
Entertainment factor: 4/10 Improvable.

6.2/10

So the overall devlopment of this romance seems good, not rushed, belivable mostly and with room for more. Though, the presentation drags it a bit down and the side stuff needs to be more entertaining.

Thank you very much. I'll try to improve as the story proceeds.