A Simple Lesson by Nailah

So, let’s try to write this review again, seeing as my computer hates me and wished to crap out and not save version one. Again I get to review a reviewer’s story, this time, one of the newer reviewers (read as not one of the first five). I was somewhat looking forward to reading this story seeing as the main character was Tempest Shadow (I refuse to acknowledge her birth name for it tis stupid), by far the best character in the MLP movie. It was an interesting concept from reading the description, Angel bunny teaches Tempest how to be friends, but unfortunately, the story overall falls a little flat.

But let’s start with the positives. One of the best things about this story is that, speaking as an editor, seeing that this had two people reading over the story to catch any mistakes was a welcome sight. This was one of those stories that was a great pleasure to read as I wasn’t stopping every third sentence because I noticed a mistake and needed to clarify to myself that I wasn’t just skipping some words or spontaneously developing dyslexia. Other than that, I, as always, loved the inclusion of a character that isn’t firmly entrenched in the ‘friendship is the greatest force in the universe and is more effective at solving problems than duct tape’ camp. To round this off, the pacing of the story is solid. We aren’t rushed through things and the author doesn’t drag their feet when it comes to progressing events.

Now, on to the critiques, or more accurately, the critique. This story falls flat when it comes to drawing me in. True slice of life stories in my opinion are by far one of the hardest types of stories to pull off successfully. It isn’t due to them requiring a deep understanding of the craft like with comedy or horror, or due to them requiring a mindset you are not exactly encouraged to hold for extended periods of time like with sad and dark. Great slices of life require you to balance telling a story that is mostly, if not entirely, relatable, while at the same time not boring your readers.

The issue with this story is that, while relatable, it isn’t exactly compelling. Tempest wants to learn to embrace friendship, Twilight assigns he to watch over Angel, Angel acts like a little shit as always, they eventually see eye to eye and tolerate each other for the time being. While this story is one that I could fully see as being an episode in the actual series, it just didn’t do anything to draw me in. This might be due to me holding stores that rip at what serve as my heartstrings as the pinnacle of good slices of life, but I just wasn’t interested in what was going on. For me, a good slice of life *tends* to addresses an aspect of the human condition or what life can be like in less than usual conditions. I am trying to figure out a general rule that someone can follow to pin down what makes a good slice of life as I write this, but the main issue with trying to do that is due to how broad the concepts that work are. The best rule I can come up with is to tell the story of something that is a daily occurrence for us, but due to a variance of several conditions, is almost completely changed (what would it be like for a 20+ meter long dragon to live a world of sub 2 meter long equines), or to tell the story that is entirely true to life but is addressing something; that is not very common/we have little direct context (what it is like to be a child or to see the world from the eyes of a dog), or is a very sensitive/hard to talk about issue (suicide, feelings of inadequacy, coming to grips with loss).

Final scores;

Plot; 5/10, This was well thought out in terms of who fit for the story and had a proper sense of flow. The major problem was simply that the story just didn’t hook me as there really isn’t any meat here for me to work with.

Writing; 10/10, This showed a great deal of care and was a nice break from constantly giving myself an aneurism when looking for mistakes.

Characters; 7/10, the characters were well written in terms of staying true to the source, the issue I have with them is that I just can’t seem to figure out why it had to be Tempest Shadow, and why watching the world’s worst lagomorph would be able to help with friendship.

Total score; 22/30 or 7.33/10, this was a well written story in terms of characters and actual writing presented, the issues were that there just didn’t seem to be a justification for why this was the premise of the story and why this was a story I needed to read.

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Thanks for the review! I will try to improve upon the things you said in my next slice of life. But right now adventure ahoy!