The Dragon And The Pony by Azure Drache

Well, this is going to be weird. I received a request from Azure to review a story. Ok, this might be fine, I’ve read through his stuff before, we both know what I like and don’t. But then I saw it was the story I was the editor for. Now kids, let me tell you about this little concept known as conflict of interests.

I don't have it.

I know Azure well enough that I can be entirely candid with him without fear of reprisal. So let us get down into this little review.

So for the positives, this is edited (not perfect, but I was the one that made it that way so any mistakes would be on me and due to me not being perfect at English). I can honestly say that this helped me get through the story again. After reading so many unedited works for the last few months, including this in its first draft, getting to sit down and read a story that wasn't causing me to make corrections in my head every paragraph was liberating. Another positive I would have to say would be the characters. These two play really well off each other, particularly in regards to how they are basically the antithesis of each other; the black death is overtly sexual and violent with a hidden soft side while Fluffy is overtly soft and passive with an undercurrent of confidence and lust (the passivity might simply be due to her not being dumb enough to actually challenge the two-ton mass of scales and murder). It was nice seeing the two of them start to change the other with The Black Death becoming more subdued over time (and not a homicidal personification of a teenage boy going through puberty) while Fluffy goes from Catholic school girl enamored with exploring to ideal girlfriend/wife material. It also was a plus to see the relationship be built on lust and sex and maintained by lust and sex. It doesn't dance around the idea that these two are together due to mutual attraction and not a vague notion of an intangiable concept like ‘love’. This is a sheer biological drive. Next would have to be the creativity in the story. You know what I do when I create a dragons den? It's a big ass cave with some tunnel systems going through it. What does Azure do? It's its own little ecosystem and expansive home/garden/maze thing. While I was a little irked at the inclusion of modern conveniences like running water, a fridge, and other such things, this is more down to my absolute desire for stupid amounts of realism, so I can't really fault that. Finally, we have the pacing. In the story, things happen at a rate that I very much like. It's slow, it's purposeful, it tells a story in a way that doesn't feel like things are being skipped over (save one issue, but that's in the criticisms) or overly drawn out. It take it's time to let things happen and is less of an action fic and more of a character study of the two protagonists.

But what about what I didn't like? It’s not very professional to just give the positives, especially when you helped work on it. And right you are, so let's get down to the things I didn't like. Well, let's start with the ending, as all things should. Do you know the best way to cap off a story filled with murder, violence, and serious questions on what the Black Death and Fluffy value? That's right, a whole lot of comedy, in a story filled with intense drama and serious concepts. Well let me reveal something to you, I like to let the people I edit for get away with a lot of things because I want to get away with a lot of things in my writing, I also don't like to tell people how to write their stories. Due to this, a MASSIVE chunk of the final chapter is just not my thing, specifically, just about everything involving Fortuna and Aphrodite. Do you know what I would have preferred? A deep examination of their own personal values and desires by themselves and each other rather than the out of nowhere comedy and flat out explanation by a literal
Deus ex frutices. It feels a little clumsy and doesn't have the same oomph as the two of them just sitting there and figuring this all out for themselves. In the middle of the story, a significant gripe I had is that an interesting premise was established of Fluffy being stuck in the Black Death’s den, but it never really goes anywhere. There was the potential for Fluffy to begin to come around to liking the Black Death in an almost Stockholm-esque way, or even for the Black Death to cool it with being a horn dog for seven seconds and start thinking of Fluffy as more than a sexual relief nozzle. But no, it is a relationship built on sex and maintained by sex (this can also be seen in a section of the first chapter of the sequel). This gripe mostly comes from the fact the story is only 8 chapter, one of those is simply clop, and it is functionally two stories; pre-sex meeting and character building and post time skip getting back together. I would have loved, and prefered, the story taking several more chapters to establish who the two of them were and show signs of them coming closer together because the relationship feels EXTREMELY rushed (it also wouldn't have hurt to have some chapters between the end of the first part and the start of the start of the second. I.E. not having a massive time skip). Now, let's bookend this by ending with the beginning. That start was a little off, and the cause of several headaches for me while editing. So, one of the things I have recently had pounded into my head by my own editors is to quit it with the expo dumps early on in the story. That first chapter starts off by just DUMPING a detailed description of the Black Death on us. This could have been handled better by spacing out his description over this and another chapter so it's not just front-loaded this hard. Second would be the style. Did you know this story is being told by the Black Death recounting his younger days? Well don't worry, you will be reminded quite often of that. It is novel, this approach to telling a story, but with how often he interrupts himself it really detracts from the immersion. I was thankfully able to convince him to tone down the narrative voice in later chapters, but this first chapter is still one I am not happy to see get posted in the state it's in. Finally, we get to my personal criticism I lay on most every story; not, enough, words. This first chapter just HAULS through the premise to establish the world and characters and just goes on. I would have loved for the chapter to have been more detailed and given us more information on what The Black Death and the world he is from are like. (Also, before you say anything, I know the first chapter needs to be redone as there are still mistakes in it that I missed.)

Final Scores;

Plot: 8/10, this was a good story that let the characters determine what happened. If only the story would have been a little longer and explored things a little deeper.

Characters 9/10, do you know what’s a good sign that an author knows how to handle characters? They don't spend time telling you about characters that don't matter to the story. All of the characters here are explored and allowed to play off one another in a way that means that they are either relevant at the time or given the oportunity to become relevant later (one character is developed but will likely only receive more screen time to truly become relevant in the sequel).

Tonal consistency: 9/10, This would have been perfect if not for the comedic ending chapter. I really, REALLY, wish that it would have been more grounded and taken itself more serius at the end rather than trying to lighten the mood as much as it did.

Total: 26/30, or 8.66/10. I helped edit this story so I better be happy with how it turned out. Hopefully this story sees a deeper exploration into the Black Death’s and Fluffy’s relationship as well as some more smut in the sequel.

[As a continuation of my criticism of the story being two here are the proposed titles (all in good fun): The Dragon And The Pony: The Socially Inept Lizard In Need Of Sex. and The Dragon And The Pony: Return Of The Booty]

It also was a plus to see the relationship be built on lust and sex and maintained by lust and sex.

It works but:

This is a sheer biological drive

since they from a different species it is not biological reproducion and stuff

Deus ex frutices

You realised it was a Sweetie-Belle parody, right?

his gripe mostly comes from the fact the story is only 8 chapter, one of those is simply clop, and it is functionally two stories; pre-sex meeting and character building and post time skip getting back together. I would have loved, and prefered, the story taking several more chapters to establish who the two of them were and show signs of them coming closer together because the relationship feels EXTREMELY rushed (it also wouldn't have hurt to have some chapters between the end of the first part and the start of the start of the second.

It was the fans vote, I asked them and they decided: LESS adventure, MORE Fun and romance! Keep the story more tot he point! >I had planned for some more content and devlopment time for the romance and the adventure, but...

That first chapter starts off by just DUMPING a detailed description of the Black Death on us

Okay here i tottaly blame my editor for! You must know, he pested me so long with the request of adding a detaileds description till i wrote it! Yes, I remember YOU did that, Drache Schatten

***

Good to know your thoughts on this, helps writing the sequel

6783557

since they from a different species it is not biological reproduction and stuff

Bold of you to assume the biologist can't think of a logical reason for this to be the case.

You realised it was a Sweetie-Belle parody, right?

I do. I would also like to point out I said Deus Ex Fruticus (meaning god from the bushes) and was based on Deus Ex Machina (god from the machine), so I was trying to be funny/smart.

It was the fans vote

Well the fans are wrong on how to make a good story that I will like

Okay here i tottaly blame my editor for! You must know, he pested me so long with the request of adding a detaileds description till i wrote it!

Your editor sucks and was terribly wrong. The first chapter was a bit of a mess and needs a bit of a reworking. You could fire your old editor (well, the story is finished so he was already 'fired' in a sense) and hire me. I've got some free time before the next chapter on another story I'm editing comes out so I could help fix up your first editors mistakes.

6783749

I was trying to be funny/smart

I noticed that, had to google Frticus though And you thought german had no sense of humour

Well the fans are wrong on how to make a good story that I will like

Maybe, but they pay my comments and upvotes, so...

I've got some free time before the next chapter on another story I'm editing comes out so I could help fix up your first editors mistakes.

I consider it, any recent work you would mention to show how good your past work was?

6783751
Well, I do have a list of those stories on my user page, so you can take a look at those and see how well those turned out.

6783757
That guy let you edit even after what you did to his first story you edited?! And fallout stuff No thanks, I stay with my old editor!