TEleven Little Ponies

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Mystery

After Equestria was left without the monarchs or the elements of harmony, an elite assassin agency was created in the crystal empire to protect the citizens of Equestria. Will a traitorous mole ruin the organization?

• Gore
• Alt. Universe
• Applejack
• Bon-Bon
• Discord
• Other
• Shining Armor

Forefront1 · 7k words  ·  9  2 · 454 views

A sequel to a story I have not read. I can only hope that won't muddle things. Comedic gore? That could work poorly, or quite well. Bon Bon? Who doesn't like that sweet mare. Let's see what she's up to!

A found a few nits and reported them. Other than that, it seemed alright. No real complaints here. Grammar: ★★★

Use of show canon: I am very confused, not by the premise. It's an old-fashioned spy story, told with ponies. I'm down with that, but the choice of characters feels... curious, with odd combinations being used with no particular reasoning offered. It is marked AU, and it shows in more than the core premise. (seriously, when did Cheese Sandwich stop being a party pony?) ★★

Character Consistency: These were not the characters I knew. They seemed true enough to themselves, but I did not have a good grasp on who their new selves were. I blame not reading the prequel. ★★★

Plot Flow: The violence was there, as promised, but it felt so... immaterial. Someone attacked, someone died. Everything was done without effort or impact. There was never a parried blow or a dodge that needed any reaction. I think that was the style being aimed for? Maybe? It felt floaty. ★★

Entertainment: I could hear the spy music in my head as I read the story, and that was good! Points for laying that theme down right and giving the feel. I feel like there is an interesting world here, but the story isn't done, and it leaves me wondering who these familiar strangers are. ★★

Overall: ★★ This story could easily work up its rating. This is the start of a journey, and really can't be judged fairly on the first chapter, but that's all that's there and so what I must work with. It made me curious at several points, and it had the 'spy' theme down reasonably. I encourage the author to press on, but I can't give a strong recommendation for this at this specific juncture. I suggest less instant-over physical conflicts. If you're going to end everything with one blow, why even have the gore tag? Give your actions impact. Keep on going and thanks for writing!

Thanks for the review!
I will say that reading the prequel would shed some light on a few things. Plus, this is based off of another series on YouTube that I mentioned in the description. So knowledge of that would also make the story make more sense.
As for the execution, I appreciate the feedback and if I decide to keep writing this story I will sure to put emphasis on those areas.
As for now, thank you for taking a look at it. It means a lot.

6163798
It was a pleasure. I humbly vote on proceeding and improving as you go, especially if this is a story in your head that wants to come out.