All Quiet on the Eastern Front

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/416382/all-quiet-on-the-eastern-front

Story by Thunder-Bolt

Review by Lome
Verdict: 6.2/10 (Reject)

“All Quiet on the Eastern Front” is a dark, gritty tale of loss and hopelessness set near the frontlines of a World War One-esque conflict. “All Quiet” is best when it portrays the horrors of war, and sadly lacking in character and depth when dealing with its themes of loss and sorrow.

Briar Patch, our narrator, begins his story with a hook that piques my interest but could us a little bit more:

“The mud and blood soaked his fetlocks, as he galloped through the trench.”

While the imagery is concise and sets the tone right away, I feel as though perhaps a few small additions would have punched up the intensity of a pony looking for his injured friend.

More follow through would definitely help flesh out this story more, many of the most basic questions are left unanswered with regards to Briar Patch and his friend: How was Cloud Runner injured? What is the nature of his injury? What is the nature of his relationship with Briar? What is the Eastern front and who are they even fighting?

One could argue that perhaps the author was attempting to showcase the confusion and frenetic pacing of the moment, but if this was the case little is done to indicate this in the story either. In a perfect world, Briar would at least have some small smattering of information, an ambush, a gas attack, a failed charge, etc.

Or perhaps Briar could arrive to the medical tent, having been summoned because of his dying friend, not knowing what happened or what was killing him. He can’t see what’s wrong, but he can tell his friend is dying. In this moment I’d really have liked the characters to have more of an interaction.

War stories work best because of the human element, and this is still very much true for stories about ponies. A happy memory shared by two friends wouldn’t go amiss here, or a poignant conversation about death, anything to help build the relationship and solidify more character for our protagonist and what I can only assume to be his best friend.

Perhaps Briar is numb to the hopelessness of it all? I feel more could be done to portray that, perhaps a mention of all the other friends he’s lost and how routine the whole thing has become. In any or all of these ways, I feel like the story could be expanded upon to add a deeper meaning to the death of a friend on a battlefield.

In my personal opinion, “All Quiet” could have benefited from more character and backstory for both Briar and Cloud, especially considering the emotional magnitude of the moment and the dark setting of the story. There are also a few distracting grammar mistakes, such as the wrong “your” and a few choppy sentences.

“All Quiet” does a great job of painting a bleak world at war, but lacks the depth and complexity of character to push my emotional buttons. A few small additions of backstory and personality would help elevate this tale to a much higher level for me.

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Dully noted, thanks a bunch for reviewing. I will say that the reason I didn't go for more depth was because I wrote this story for a writing contest I signed up for at BronyCon 2018, and was on a deadline. Plus, there was a word cap.

But since you mention all that, I'm considering going back and adding a chapter with a back story for Briar and Cloud for the reasons you described. I do think the story would benefit greatly from that, and I'm a little embarrassed I didn't think of it before.

But again, thank you for reviewing. Much appreciated.