Plot: 8/10
Characters: 8/10
Syntax: 7/10
Punctuation: 6/10
Grammar: 6/10

Total: 35/50 = 7/10 (Accepted upon a second opinion)

Well, I know I said that I’d take a week for this review to some slipping out of the sack of bile that is my mind, but here we are. It’s always better late than never

So, since this is a ninety-one thousand word monster of a fic.

Other Guy: No that’s not. You just have the attention span of a hydrogen atom

Me: (slaps OG) No one needs to know that

Since this is the longest fic I’ve ever completed a review on, I’m not going to go into super detail cause we reviewers are prone to hyperbole. I’m not writing a whole essay even though I joke that I can (I value my sanity thank you)

So... humorous intro with me talking to my self finished! Let’s dive into gritty Dashie

Plot: Now, I have had some people ask me why I put a rating on plot because a plot can be as simple as an idea, and that is where they are wrong. As a nitpicker, you not only have to criticize the idea of the work you’re tearing apart, but you also have to make sure that it adheres to the idea. Most stories are pretty bad at sticking with the idea that they put forth in the first chapter. Since this is fanfiction, you can literally do what you want cause you don’t have an exec or someone breathing down your back to keep your crazy ideas in check. But in the same token, it turns what you’re writing into a disjointed mess that is only going to confuse whoever is reading it.

I wrote out that whole paragraph because this is one of those fics that sticks with its idea all the way through. Most dystopian Fallout style stories excel at this. You have Chrysalis completely wiping the floor with everyone! I mean Luna, DEAD! Celestia, captured? I think? Twilight, DECEASED! Fluttershy, rip in piece you adorable drop of sunshine And that leaves Rainbow who had the literal element of loyalty ripped from her chest.

“Ah there we are.” Chrysalis chimed, before a small orb of brilliant red light emerged, from my chest. “It’s more beautiful than I ever imagined...well I thank you for this Element of Loyalty.

Snatchin’ souls more efficiently than my ex

On a little side not that relates to the character aspect, I like how this sets up the Dash that we will see later on in the story. She literally lost an essential piece of herself, even though for the life of me, I can’t think of why Chrissy did it. After that, we get the dark Dash who goes around fighting the changelings in an attempt to avenge her friends as well as reclaiming what was taken from her. She goes around Equestria fighting, liberating, avenging; all of that. Not much else to say other than the author has a clear view on what they want this fic to be.

Characters: Now, there are a lot of characters that pop up in this like Trixie, I think a changeling AJ (Look, this review took too long and I work 5 days a week. So I only read 10 chapters. You’re welcome to fite me), but my main focus is going to be on RD herself. Now, part of the story’s charm is that she talks to herself like she’s a hardass who’s seen war like never before. She goes on introspective rambles on her surroundings and how beautiful it used to be. For how cliche that is, it works very well to be honest.

Most others would complain about how an author takes a character too far out of character.

Other Guy: You avoid fics that depict Twilight as anything other than a bookworm

Me: That’s because Hasbro butchered her to be nothing but a bookworm! Fuing pleb…

Anyway, Rainbow acting differently than her usual overconfident boasting self works wonders in this environment where she has to be intelligent and calculative. Even though hints of the “act first, think later” Dash poke through.

‘Sure, Dash. We could do that, fight the guards, and alert every other guard within sight. No, we need tact, we need strategy, a plan.”

“Great idea, and lucky for us I have the perfect one. Uh, sorry about this.”

“About wha-”

Before she could finish I pulled back, and caught her across the jaw with a swift jab. I stared at her for a moment, a questioning expression broad across her face. After a few moments of silence she surprised me, as she fired one back, smacking me right in the snout.

Get out of here with that mess! I joke around, but I take my reviews seriously!

As I was saying, Dash gets to show off the badass the fandom knows she can be, and it’s great. Now I get to talk about the action scenes!

Syntax: So, here in the syntax section we look at sentence structure. Prose flow, and sentence organization. Since this is told from the first person perspective, your prose needs to be razor sharp. You’re putting yourself literally in the characters shoes and describing what they see in detail. Though some of Dashie’s exposition can get to be quite lengthy, I can excuse it since we’re experiencing her thoughts on what is happening. I can also tell that you had two editors look over this, so there wasn’t much that was glaringly out of place, or that it felt too awkward. Well, maybe in the first chapter, but the issues iron themselves out.

Okay, now I can really get into it. The action scenes are well done and choreographed. I usually shy away from action cause I have the imagination of a DBZ fan on acid, so nothing I write feels grounded :rainbowlaughter: I’ve been looking into what makes a good action scene, not only in television and movies but in writing as well. You need a good setting, a scope on how powerful each character is, their sizes, and how hard they hit, and the speed of the battle. Tell me if you can find all of that in this one scene.

Bane Tooth slashed through the crates, his movements swift, and decisive. There was no doubt in my mind that he’d seen battle many times, which only caused my twisted excitement to swell, and I could see the surprise in his eyes as he slashed through the crate I flew behind. I soared by him carving a gash into his right shoulder, as he returned the favor, and matched my attack. I slid to a halt turning to face him again, the warmth of blood trickling down my right foreleg, when I saw Trixie clash blades with him. She shot me a gaze from behind the sword she held, her eyes conveying all I needed to know: attack.

I closed in as quickly as my injury would allow, keeping a vigilant eye on Trixie, before feeling a sharp pain run through my chest. I skidded back, finally stopping as I slammed into a stack of crates, a bruise already showing from the powerful kick I’d received. Dammit! I never would have got sent reeling had I been paying attention. No! I was so focused on Trixie and how she fared, that I’d paid no mind to the movement of Bane Tooth’s hind leg.

We can see that Bone Tooth is fast, experienced, and obviously bigger than RD and Trixie. Rainbow is slower because she’s hurt. He’s overwhelming, and our girls are being brutalized. Reminds me of the last scene of Uncharted the Lost Legacy.

To sum it all up. Good job, love the way it flows, and I love how it matches with Rainbow’s character

Punctuation: Honestly, I really shouldn’t judge this as harsh as I did, buuuuuuuuut. I know that I and other reviewers have big problems with commas and ellipses. You know, those little dots that we use to make characters sound sad, scared, or mysterious…

Me: Hey, OG. Guess what?

Other Guy: What?

Me: Am I… hardended… deep… and bruised…?

Other Guy: Nah, you just look like even more of a jackass.

Me: Wait until Fimfic gets the middle finger emoji…

So, I’m not going to go into why this is bad and why it’s wrong and yadda yadda. All I have to say is that comma splices and ellipses are littered here and there.

The noise, the sheer thunderous booming of beating wings, and hate-filled hisses. That was truly a terrifying moment, a moment when we knew things would not end well, the moment we saw the black tide of Changelings...with Chrysalis at it’s helm. Shouts from the guard towers behind me, as well as the shouts of the Princess’s and my friends, mixed with that of the Changelings...and soon...we were at war. Bodies clashed, magic beams flew by in rapid succession, while feathers and scales showered down from the air.

Yeah, so that’s a little thing that makes me tick and it something that I try to avoid. Grammar pretty much ties in with punctuation in this story, so yeah. (Great way to end your review Freesh)

Conclusion: This is a good story for those of you who like grimdark post-apocalyptic stories, but don’t really like sitting through 10k long chapters. You get to digest the story in bite-sized chunks without it derailing from its main dive, to kill Chrissy. Good job, and welcome to the Cafe!

Thank you for the review.

I appreciate you taking the time to review my story, and I appreciate your honest opinion. Action sequences are kinda what I think I'm good at, in terms of writing, so I'm glad to see that you thought they worked well (yay my anxiety craves positive affirmation ). I know I need to work on my grammar and abuse of ellipses, but it's nice to know that they didn't detract from the story itself. Thank you again, and I'll be sure to take heed of the things you mentioned here as I move forward with the story.

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Thank you for the story, mate