When we were friends

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/413966/when-we-were-friends

Story by FamousLastWords

Review by Lome
Verdict: 5.8/10 (Reject)

At first glance, “friends” has an interesting concept at its core, despite its fumbling narrative hook:

"It seemed to be another usual morning at the Ponyville castle. Breakfast had just been laid out, courtesy of Twilight, and the three residents were seated around the table. Spike and Twilight sat on one side with Starlight sitting on the other.

“Excuse me, Starlight, could you please pass the syrup when you’re finished with it?” Twilight smiled brightly at the unicorn sitting across from her at the table. “That is, of course, if you don’t end up using the whole bottle, yourself.”

A narrative hook is a lot like an appetizer before a great meal; it has to arrive quickly, set a tone and theme for the remainder of the meal, and offer a delicious morsel that leaves you craving more. Unfortunately the narrative in “friends” is much more of a slow, awkward build that doesn’t leave a lot of intriguing questions dangling in the periphery.

“When we were friends” tells the story of Spike and Starlight Glimmers awkward morning after through a shifting perspective focuses first on the pair of them and then on them individually. At the conclusion of the story the two perspectives switch rapidly back and forth before merging back into a singular narrative.

This dynamic is interesting, though a bit repetitive and contrived as the characters are often thinking and experiencing the same thoughts and emotions simultaneously throughout the runtime of the narrative. The worst offender by far is the following:

Because once everything went down, there’d be no turning back.
--
There was no turning back.

These patterns of identical thoughts and feelings are rampant, especially in the last chapter. I’d be more open to this idea if perhaps there had been some narrative dissonance in the previous chapters. Unfortunately, both Spike and Starlight seem to have an almost identical narrative that makes me wish the story were instead focused on one point of view rather than two nearly identical ones.

Both parties reminisce over the previous night while arriving to their destination. Both confide in a close friend who provides very similar advice, and both arriving at a identical realization that prompts them into action. Imagine instead a more dynamic narrative where one is giving good advice, and the other bad advice, perhaps leading to more misunderstandings before the truth is ultimately revealed.

The dialogue, on the whole, feels largely detached from anything that the characters we are familiar with on the show would say. This could be due in some ways to the fact that the story seems to take place years beyond the series. However, if this is the case, very little is mentioned of what has changed in the interim years.

The most jarring change, in my opinion, was the somewhat odd choice to have Big Macintosh speak clearly and concisely, without any mention of why this is now the case. I’d have loved instead for a gag in which Spike seeks Big Macs advice, only to arrive at his own conclusions after a series of “Eeyups”.

The most accurate representation is that of Rarity, though she still lacks a bit of je ne sais quoi. Both Spike and Starlight are also out of place here, which could perhaps be explained away as nervousness or awkwardly stumbling attempts at banter. Either way, both characters feel almost entirely lacking in their normal characteristics, which unfortunately removes a lot of potential for interesting interactions, inner monologues, and drama.

The fact that Twilight Sparkle is only briefly involved in the beginning of the story and is completely clueless to their overtly terrible attempts at hiding a hookup is also a bit of a let-down, as it would have added another interesting layer to the story. I’d much rather Twilight know, and desperately want to help resolve the situation, but herself struggle with the awkward reality of letting them know that she knows.

Grammatically, this stories greatest weakness is it’s excessive repetition of words. The worst two offenders in this story are “syrup” and “sweat”, the former of which appears no less than five times in the first chapter. ‘Sweat’ is mentioned no less than four times in chapter two, twice in chapter three, and one more time in chapter four. Another edit certainly wouldn’t be amiss here, to catch these redundancies and add a coat of polish to the prose.

“Friends” is an interesting idea that could use a more streamlined and dramatic narrative, as well as some dialogue and grammar tweaks. On the whole the story does get better as it goes on, though it could definitely stand to flesh out each characters personal narrative a bit more and give itself a little more breathing room to arrive to a conclusion. That being said, I did find myself drawn into the intrigue and struggle, and did appreciate that the solution revolved around open and honest communication.

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Ayyy I appreciate you reading it!

You are definitely correct in your assumptions that this story takes place a few years beyond current canon. My interpretation of older Spike has always been that of an awkward guy, trying to find his place in the world, making bad decisions and trying to make sense of why they were bad. I attempted to put him in this crazy situation many of us have been in, but instead of glorifying casual sex, painting a much more troublesome picture of it; focusing on the consequences instead of the act, which many stories ever do these days.

Regardless, I appreciate you reading it and giving me your honest thoughts!