click on the pictures to be linked to the story and the author
Plot: 6/10
Characters: 4/10
Syntax: 3/10
Punctuation: 5/10
Grammar: 7/10

Total: 25/50 = 5/10
Verdict: Rejected.

WHOA MAN! What’s it been? A whole year since I decided to nitpick works of passionate fiction? The looks of disgust when they see that their magnum opus was rejected by some jackass scratching his balls while he browses the NSFW section of derpibooru.

Other Guy: Oh Christ… We’re doing this crap again?

Me: Yep! So buckle in my intrusive alter ego.

Other Guy:

Enough introduction! Let’s dissect this puppy

Plot
This story follows the details of how Tirek and Scopran, once brothers now enemies, came to blows over how they would subjugate all of Equestria with their abilities to suck the life outta everyone more efficiently than your ex-girlfriend.

Scorpan has been hanging out with Starswirl lately and learned some sick moves and the magic of friendship! Tirek is like “Man it’s good to steal everyone’s magic. Don’t you agree, brother mine” They actually say that a few times through the story. Well, Scorpan is like “Yeh bro… I just love taking other creature’s souls.”

Then after some expositional dialogue and stuff, Tirek is like. “Hey, hey, bro. You flaking on me?”

And Scorpan is like “Well, bro. You see… maybe our moral compass is a bit screwy.”

And Tirek is like “Bitch I’m above morality! The pain I’ve endured says so!”

Yeah, they were orphans on a mountain apparently and their Village was regularly raided for food by the Noxxa or Raida or something along those lines. Anyway, we continue to read the brothers share back a forth about why taking pony magic is bad. Tirek is like “Manifest Destiny!” and Scorpan is like “But this is their land!” and this exchange leads to a.. Pretty boring and not all to well described and elongated fight scene between them that takes up the remaining third of the story. We already know that Tirek is pretty dank, but this is a good chance to show how powerful Scorpan is, and yeah… the author does a good job. The battle does have a sense of weight to it. When you hear that Scorpan knocked the taste out of Tirek’s mouth. Literally.

Scorpan, with all the force Tirek had been using to plow him through the ground, slammed feet first into Tirek’s head, forcing Tirek’s head back and his jaw to unhinge, his tongue flailing out.

You can feel the force of the impact. Or when Tirek literally tries to rip off Scorpan’s wings.

Scorpan and Tirek were wrestling now in the center of a crater, Scorpan’s wings held against their natural position by Tirek’s crossed, meaty red hands.

With a mighty roar, Tirek uncrossed his arms, and Scorpan’s wings snapped on their joints.

Like, I’ve dislocated my shoulder and hip before. Nothing on Earth can describe that pain. shudders

Anyway, my main gripe is after a while the scene gets a little bit boring, and not because of pacing or padding, it’s just very clumsy and there’s this thing that the author does that, to be honest, pissed me off. Throughout the story, there’s this thing that the author does that changes perspective jarringly throughout the story. Like, my notes consist of me raging because when the story is first presented, it is told from the common narrative perspective of 3rd person omniscient. It keeps suddenly changing to the first person. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the author italicized it or “put it in quotations”. Like, the story already has a bit of a clumsy flow as is and this was just downright frustrating. Which leads me to the next section that I would like to cover.

Syntax

As I highlighted above, this sent me into a little bit of rant. Like this is directly from my notes. Puts on glasses. Ahem!

Same as the last comment. We need an indicator of who is talking. Is it Scorpan or the narrator? A simple addition of quotations would be more than enough to clear this up.

And then…

Also again with this weird switch between 3rd person omniscient and 1st person. It's starting to become very jarring.

Which later devolved into…

FUCKING CHRIST ALIVE! JESUS! I'm gonna rant about this! I may just make an enemy, but this is slicing the flow in half and it's getting frustrating!

And ended with…

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!

Anyways my point is that this happened entirely too much and I couldn’t forgive it. I would tack on two instant points on to syntax. Hell, even three if this was fixed! The worst part about any story is when the pacing gets literally dissected by poor placement of dialogue, actions, and exposition. It all accumulates into a big unpolished mess. Think I’m exaggerating? Here’s one of the most notable examples.

Scorpan held the circular shield in front of him like a mythical knight bracing against the flames of a dragon. His position began to slip; the laser was too strong for him to hold back against. The pain on his back, in his wing joints, on his face, his ribs, his legs--Scorpan was surprised he could last this long against Tirek.

I don’t have the strength to keep this up. I need to find the unorthodox. Is there some invisible strength giving my knees the stiffness it needs? I feel like there’s an influence that’s making the pain dull. Who is helping me?

Like... Christ...
I can't really fault you for wanting to try this. You did say afterall that this isn't your usual style, but it just... it's too distracting. I understand that the style you tried didn't highlight the moments of introspective dialogue, but as a reader who is foreign to this it's kind of like how hard Scopran kicked Tirek... only to that voice in your head.

Punctuation

Commas Everywhere! And missing exclamation marks. Whenever you feel like there's supposed to be tension in a scene it’s utterly devoid on the account of there being almost no exclamation marks. Like here were the brothers differences come to a head.

“Who’s the foolish one, Tirek.” Scorpan shook his head in remorse. “Who’s the fool.”

“Get out of my way, Scorpan. You mean nothing to me anymore if you choose to betray me to the ponies.”

Tirek is an angry motehrfcker with a voice that sounds like a pissed drowning toad. I know for a fact that he’d be spitting barbs Scorpan’s way. The periods simply make it feel dull and flat. Like there’s no life at all in these two. And even the dialogue throughout their punch fest just seems uninspired.

He uncrossed his palms, and icicles of stone erupted out of the ground under Tirek, jagged and sharp. One of them skewered Tirek in the front leg, making him scream in surprise and clutch his knee. He breathed deeply as he stared down at the wound in rage.

Tirek looked up again. “You will die.”

Buddy, you just took a stone icicle through the leg. Skipping the obvious arrow to the knee meme...

Other Guy: Wait…

Me: Hm?

Other Guy: Stone icicle?

Me: Wait… What?

Anyway after taking a solid stonecicle (Jesus ) through the knee you’d think the big red bruiser would be like “I’LL FCKING KILL YOU!” But nah, he’s like. “Oh ow. You jerk. Imma get you for this ya dingus.”

Aside from the nonexistent exclamations, a few question marks were missing as well, and there were way too many commas in places where they couldn’t have been supplanted. They were just there.

“Who’s the foolish one, Tirek.” Scorpan shook his head in remorse. “Who’s the fool.”

Characters

Other Guy: You forgot the characters

Me: No I didn’t

Other guy: Yeah you did dumbass.

Me: They weren't really interesting. Tirek was roided out, and Scorpan was all like “I do what I must” Then he gets saved by Fausticorn.

Other Guy: You’re kidding…

Me: Nope, a brony story in 2018 still has mentioned to the creator who left around 2013-14

I am love, and patience, and solitude. I am all these and more, but most of all love.

Your name! Tell me your name!

I am Faust. The Goddess of heaven and earth. And I am the one who influenced you to do the will of righteousness.

Also, this section where Scorpan is basically talking to God (+1 for Christianity 👍) is where the tonal dissonance reaches its peak. I didn’t mention it earlier cause I could write an entire essay on it.

Grammar
This isn't going to be super fleshed out since grammatical errors require me to through the story with a fine-toothed comb, but as far as story standards go, it was okay. Just a few typos and some misspelling here and there. Odd phrases and a really bad problem with sentence fragments as well as run on sentences. One thing that I noticed the most with the grammar was how it interfered with the flow of their fight scene. And other than the comma splices, there isn't anything else that I could point out. Even if that technically falls under punctuation.

Conclusion

Is this story bad? No. Was it poorly written? No, but it leaves miles of room for improvement. I love to see people take creative chances like this and the author even said that they went against their usual style to write this fic. That and I don’t see very many fics these days go back to the past on what’s happened in Equestrian lore, you know? All in all I think with some polish, editing, and revision this one could make it in. Don't take this as a failure though. You made what you wanted and you did a good job at it, and I'll be adding this to my libraries... But for now, I won’t hold my breath.

6589735
Thanks for showing me what I should have done better. I re-edited it and reread it. If you really want to see what I did and see if it's any better suited to be added, I just added some exclamation points and italics. Again, it seemed wrong while writing it to not put in italics for thoughts, but I thought that if Orson Scott Card could do it, I could too. I just gotta...do me, I guess.

Sorry if I infuriated you with the syntax.

6589837
That’s alright, and keep on doing you buddy. That’s the best you can do

6589735

Anyway after taking a solid stonecicle (Jesus ) through the knee you’d think the big red bruiser would be like “I’LL FCKING KILL YOU!” But nah, he’s like. “Oh ow. You jerk. Imma get you for this ya dingus.”

Ha, I love the personality in this! It's clear how much effort went into your review of this story, and it's as entertaining as it is informative; frankly, this wouldn't be out of place in Rage Reviews.

6590751
Really? Well, thank you

6591395

I just got the chance to read your review. Yes, he is correct.