Title: Sex and Porch Beer
Author: Vivid Syntax
Amount read: All
Verdict: 8 - Accept

Oh. My. Gosh. This is SO EXCITING! You’re the official first to get a fic with MxM themes (kinda?) into the Reviewer's Cafe. That is obviously not the primary premise of course, but this is something I’ve personally tried to see happen more and more. So thank you so much for submitting and I hope you plan on doing more of it!

Ahem Okay! Whew, now that’s out of my system, I’ll do what’s customary in my reviews, talk of the good. I love your establishment shots. A lot of writers seem to gloss over the idea of trying to create an atmosphere, and this is a fic that really needs it. It’s a fic locked in a really emotional setting and if you were to have both these characters just sitting there and interacting, it would have fallen incredibly flat. Your flowery painting of a beautiful, relaxing late afternoon is an interesting juxtaposition in contrast to the darker undertones this fic takes.

Which moves me onto my next point, the actual premise, the meat! It’s well approached, and sensitive to the topic. You don’t go into too much depth about the actual attempt which is fantastic because this is clearly not what this fic is about. It is about the relationship these two guys share and its importance in their lives. It's about struggling to talk about these sorts of things, and their effects on a relationship. We’ve all faced times when we’ve been too scared, too stoic to face issues and talk of them, and that creates a relatable message that is often not talked about in many fics it seems.

However, the conflict seemed difficult to engage with, particularly at the end. With the way it was told, the attempt feels very disconnected from what is going on, and whilst it is not the central idea of the fic, I could still see you wanted to create a question of ‘Will he do it again?’. And that ambiguity was great, but I didn’t feel subconsciously that tension you tried to create. Of course he is still suffering, and of course, there is a possibility that it might happen again, but the stoic masculinity you created disconnected me from that premise. It almost felt like his attempt was in a whole different world. And I could see that you were using masculinity as a way of putting out this message that these feelings are felt by anyone, especially men, which is a powerful idea, but I feel if you even just gave him a bit more emotion or a bit more fear, then it would have really empowered this message a lot more. Still, keep that stoic masculinity, but let his walls tear down a bit! He is with his closest friend, after all, there is that believability about it.  

They stayed like that for almost ten minutes before Iron said, "It was like a fugue." Instinctively, Comet squeezed him. They held for another two minutes, motionless.

This sort of time telling happens a few times in the story, but it’s hard to get a perception of it. Minutes ticked by isn’t too bad, but often with these exact tellings of time the audience just isn’t going to be able to feel, it just sort of stands in the air as more of a factual thing. If you want to emphasise the idea that they sit there for a long time… gently, smoothly, slowly, start to wind down the pace.

And try to create space…

Give the audience, a feeling, rather than a fact.

And they’ll feel that tension, they’ll feel the air whistling around the front of the shack. They’ll feel that long, intermittent pause that tension fills, and words don’t. But just stating how long they’re in tension for can come off as idle things that the reader will just gloss over.

Comet's eyes widened, and he quickly spun his head to look at Iron. "N-no! I-I mean, I feel like I don't deserve you sometimes." He slapped a hoof to his face.

Watch out for this. You cannot use a period at the end of a quote if the quote has narration at the end. I saw this a couple of times in your writing. A comma kind of takes its place in those instances, I recommend just having a brief glance at punctuation for dialogue.

I don’t want to get too nit-picky, because it’s just a generally solid, well-rounded fic, nothing huge stands out and I really am so glad that I can accept this fic into the Reviewer's Cafe!

-Milo Chalks

6551081

You cannot use a period at the end of a quote if the quote has narration at the end.

You certainly can. As an example, here's a short para from Watership Down:

"Don't stay there, then," said Hazel. "Follow me close and run when I do." Without waiting to look out through the hinge, he went round the half-open door of the shed and stopped on the threshold.

A comma after "do" would be grammatically incorrect. The period is right.

6551874
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
I totally understand your argument and it can be done stylistically, grammar is only mean't to convey abstract ideas after all! But as a general rule, you can't use a period like that.

6551963
It's true that you can't do something like this:

"This is an example." He said.

That does indeed need a comma at the end of the speech (and a lower-case h). But that's not what the author was doing in the passage you quoted. "He slapped a hoof to his face" is a complete sentence and so absolutely should be separated from the preceding speech by a period. A comma after "sometimes" would be incorrect.

Thank you so much for accepting my story, and I'm so happy you were pleased with it!

Thank you for all the tips as well. I think you're right that I could have tied the question back to the scene a little better. I hesitate to let the "stoic masculinity" down, however, as I think the "two worlds" issue is kind of what I was going for. The natural inclination, in my experience, is to want to treat it like it was a different world. Like you said, though, I could have done more there.

That's a good reminder on pacing versus just talking about time. It feels like one of those things I should have been aware of, but now that I think about it more, I'm probably far guiltier of it than I know. I'll be sure to add that to me repertoire of "things to spot-check for" when doing an editing pass.

I also have to agree with Logan on the period thing. What you've laid out is counter to what I've been taught. Do you have a citation? I'm open to being wrong, but that one seems off.

Thank you again for reading my fic and for accepting it. Yay!

6555845
You're welcome!
6551981
And yes! Apologies to both! I didn't realise the rules were different to the way we use dialouge over here! Super big apology for that one!