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Purpose: Author-orientated reviews (constructive criticism/editing)

Story: Dreaming of Answers, by Manaphy

Rating: T

Word count: 6517

Tags: Slice of Life

Deadline: Sunday, 25 Jan to Sunday, 1 Feb

Don't forget to post your reviews here as well as the story page, and please keep all peer discussion within this thread. Happy commenting!

4007594 So we can just post our review here?

4008977

Don't forget to post your reviews here as well as the story page

So yes, both here and the story page.

4008977
4009032
What C^2 said =)

I'll assume you're all hard at work =P

Friendly reminder that you've got 3 days to go!

And also a confessional: I completely forgot the episode this is based on, which explains why nothing made sense at first. Crap.

Reviews go here right? Cause this is mine (Note I consider myself the very purple Advising Editor type):
I neither liked, nor disliked the story. I thought the premise was intriguing but my investment was lacking. I only mention it to provide reference for my feedback as I'm focusing largely on how the execution may be improved. And, by saying it's something that could be improved I am in no way saying it was necessarily "bad" to begin with.

I had difficulty linking the initial line as a thought being had by the character without any said tags, and though the thought was the subject of the subsequent paragraph, by being physically disconnected from it, I felt the two ideas were unintentionally distanced.

I would suggest trying to reincorporate them together, though I understand that the author likely wanted the idea (the question of destiny) to stand out in the readers mind as they progressed; I just don't think this was the best way to do that.

For the past two weeks, that was all Fleetfoot ever thought of during the long, cold nights.

I could see it working if we reincorporated the idea of destiny into this line which allows both outlined objectives to be achieved. Were it me, I may replace "that" with "those questions were" or "destiny was" and the corresponding "of" of "thought of" with "about".

After re-reading the first few paragraphs I had the realization of what I felt was missing. There is no emotive language--nothing to describe how Fleetfoot feels about this (and by consequence how the audience should emotionally identify with the character). Which creates a disjunct between the severity of the questions, her processing them, and our ability to invest in that conflict. I don't know if that is what the author had intended, but I thought it was noteworthy just incase it wasn't. If it wasn't intended, then some emotive descriptors would go a long way to improve a audience's ability to invest.

out of her window, a few twinkling stars

the comma disrupts the flow, where the word "where" without a comma could preserve flow and maintain the sentence. This marks the start of a trend I detail later in this review.

Lazy was the word she used. Was that true?

If this is the thought (internal dialog or monologue) the character is experiencing, it should be italicized. This helps distinguish the inciting incident from the consequences of that incident in the paragraph.

Unable to utter a single syllable from her gaping mouth and wide-eyed expression

The placement of the wide-eyed expression in the sentence causes it to come to a halt as one tries to picture an utterance from the eyes. If the author wants to keep the imagery I'd advise to reorganize the sentence. Reason being is that there is a chain of events that appear to be occurring simultaneously, though the understanding of a situation, and reaction to it, is generally a progressive process.

One example restructuring may appear something like:
"Fleetfoot's expression turned wide-eyed when she found herself unable to utter a single syllable from her gaping mouth, and her body couldn't budge an inch as the aurora wrapped around her like a python."

my little pony

Title drop. It is generally considered an addition in poor taste to break the fourth wall for such a trivial reason. Which is why people typically cringe when Celstia does it.

Fleetfoot scratched her head as she stared at Spike making his way to the second floor. She couldn't shake this feeling that he'd make a scene at a big event one day, but her mind failed to uncover a reason as to why. Maybe it was a sixth sense or something like that. Smirking ever so slightly, Fleetfoot returned her attention to Twilight and Rainbow, her ears focused on the pair.

This note seems unnecessarily distracting, and like it doesn't have a place in the story. Even as a canonical anchor, it doesn't help identify where they are in the chronology of the show. Because of that, I'd recommend cutting it.

"I had a long streak of being a hero in Ponyville, and it kind of got to my head. I started acting a little too arrogantly, and my friends felt that I went a little too far with the bragging."

Rainbow Dash is repeating herself from the dream, and reiterating Luna's lesson in this paragraph; which makes me as a reader question why the dream sequence progressed at all. Beyond the telling of Fleetfoot to come to this location for these events to unfold, there was nothing of necessity to the story in the dream. Even Luna's lesson, and its implications are directly reiterated through this conversation. Were I the proof reader I would have recommended cutting it entirely as it adds nothing new to the story given that the conclusion is the same as that middle scene.

Overall there are many places where punctuation is used where a conjunction would be more appropriate. That punctuation breaks up the flow of the idea, while the conjunction replacement would help retain that flow. One such example can be seen here:

"You know why," said Luna, smirking.

Alternate: "You know why," Luna said while smirking.

Also, there are a number of sentences that combine two unrelated ideas, and/or break up related ones. One such example is:

Fleetfoot rubbed her muzzle, everything that happened from when she found herself drifting in this area to now flowing in her head. It was all surreal, that much was certain.

Fleetfoot rubbed her muzzle. Everything that happened, from when she found herself drifting in this area, to now flowing in her head-- it was all surreal; that much was certain.

Another thing we, as authors, are tasked with keeping track of is the tense we chose to write the story in. Several places the tense changes between present and past (and that's an easy mistake to make that virtually everyone is guilty of [myself included]), one such example is:

her mind beckoning for more information.

Where "and her mind beckoned" would be more suitable tensing.

So true is that expectation as is the one that our sentence structure is coherent. This example perfectly encapsulates several others:

Either the pony showed up and the conversation was quick or the sun rose up and made the world warm and cozy once more. Fleetfoot hoped it would be one or the other.

Where an either is not followed with an or and the things that the main character hopes will happen, were phrased in the past tense.

In many places these several of these problems occur in the same sentence.

On a (final) personal note, I felt that the characterization of Luna was more representative of her sister than of herself-- an aesthetic choice I couldn't get behind. Given how I felt about what followed that scene, this note seems tertiary at best.

4027651
This comes across as a more of a Editing Note analysis than an actual story review by actual, I mean concept to exposition, and shares little on what the story actually entitled. There is more to a story than just actual sentence rephrasing, and topic clarifications.

Edit: I feel I must clarify since the prior may seem a bit hot headed. (Because I am in fact, a hot headed now it all... apparently... Burn me on a stake and end my torment.)

The above was be tossing out how I felt the review came across. It's important to understand how readers of the review are actually picking up what is written, much like how it's important for authors to know what their readers are picking up on their own stories. So despite any disagreement or sensed foul intent (which there was none.) I wrote what was above and what may seem obvious, it should be more of a confirmation on what the review was meant to be.

I don't agree so much on an editing focusing review, but I don't discount their value either.

My point simply was to convoy the received end of the review.

I'm here to analyse reviews.

I now notice the rude term of "actual" story review. That was wrong of me to say, despite my opinion. It attacked Legion, and most of all, insulted the work put into the review. For that I do apologize.

4028682 You read the instructions right?

4000791 said: You can give editing advice, which is specific and takes the form of line-by-line work. Editing is not just about grammar - it lets you go deep into issues like word choice, sentence structure, tempo, dialogue, flow.

I literally did all of these things (except tempo). Like I said: "the very purple Advising Editor type."

Hell, I even linked the directions that you're supposed to have already read and be following with this exercise at the start of my review. Why am I getting thumbed down because you're not following directions?

4000791 said: Please read these before participating in practice activities under SfNR.

Directions that you should have read before commenting on my review because they indicate that indicate that even commenting in this thread falls under the classification of a practice activity.

4007594 said: ... and please keep all peer discussion within this thread.

Like, just so I am clear, for my own peace of mind's sake, you read the directions right?

4028747
I think you forgot to mention the most important part:

4007594 Purpose: Author-orientated reviews (constructive criticism/editing)

4028865 I am literally just going to quote you quoting her, and if you can't figure out where you went wrong, then I can't explain it to you.

constructive criticism/editing

4028747
Simply because It's my opinion. having read the directions, and noting it as a fair thing to point out, even with the prior point on "the very purple." And holding no regrets in the previous comment, the comment for discussion was in fact, in this thread. If stated otherwise, context of which thread was never clarified other than topic to pronoun.

To be fair, my story was bad, so LegionPothIX did bring up many valid points that I need to look out for in my writing. I do wish I could write something good for once, but that seems like it won't happen for a long time. I guess I just have to keep on practicing and finding out just how to make a story's execution work, write prose that isn't bad, write decent dialogue, and have better characterization. Thanks to everyone who has provided advice so far.

4028880
1) Casca's a dude.
2) I'm supporting you, ya butt. That line right there was the most obvious piece of evidence you could have thrown at Cromegas.

4028889

I guess I just have to keep on practicing and finding out just how to make a story's execution work, write prose that isn't bad, write decent dialogue, and have better characterization.

That's the attitude that matters. Keep your chin up, learn from your mistakes, and keep on keeping on.

4028908 My bad, I honestly did misread the intent of that statement. I apologize if I offended you.
As for the pronoun game, I typically just go with whatever gender the profile pic looks like to me, unless I've been provided a WPP.

4028889 I expressly did not post the review on your story because once you've made these changes my opinion boils down to "Eh, it wasn't for me." which doesn't help your readers at all. Even with those changes, I wouldn't have thought it to be good or bad, that's a consequence of investment (paying off or being disappointed).

4028910

I now notice the rude term of "actual" story review. That was wrong of me to say, despite my opinion. It attacked Legion, and most of all, insulted the work put into the review. For that I do apologize.

As in the edits above, I feel I owe this to you.

First thing, I want to apologize in advance for adding clutter to this thread, as I feel it probably shouldn't be being used for discussion until at least the deadline has passed for putting up reviews (we've only got the one, after all…). Sorry. That said…

4028682

It's important to understand how readers of the review are actually picking up what is written, much like how it's important for authors to know what their readers are picking up on their own stories.

If I'm reading this right, you're saying that it's important for passersby to pick up what a reviewer is saying to an author—i.e. not simply that the author follow the review, but the readers of the story, or some other mostly disconnected group? I would agree with you if we were talking about something other than an author-centric review, but I thought author-centric reviews were (at least this time) the goal?

There is more to a story than just actual sentence rephrasing, and topic clarifications.

I know you know already that the tone of this is a negative one, but going past that, I think it's important to note that Legion likely reviewed in the style most comfortable to him or her, including exactly what he or she meant to based on what his or her strengths are or even just what areas he or she felt the author needed the most work in. Of course there's more to a story than mechanical things and such, but not every story is going to need help in every area—and even if a story does need help in other areas, covering only some doesn't make your review any less valid. Maybe it could be expanded upon, maybe not, but that doesn't automatically make it something worth deriding. I hope we can be more open than that.

4029068

There is more to a story than just actual sentence rephrasing, and topic clarifications.

To be honest, I had no Idea, that this line had such a negative tone to it. Probably because it's hard for me to feel much anything at the moment.

I'll pull out now, and own any mistakes I have done. I am not in a healthy mental state right now due to some irl events.

4029068 It's cool dood, you can call me by any pronoun ya' like.
4028995 I'm not easily offended by words. I was just bewildered by the actions that you took putting those words out there.

When it comes to storytelling, I'm a mechanist. I focus on the mechanical little nuts and bolts. I feel that if need be the story could be deconstructed without loosing a single bit, and stories that have extra bits, or bobs doing the same jobs as other bobs those parts stick out to me. Because my stories generally tend to break the 40k word line, I'm always looking for a way to streamline the experience a little.

Its been my experience that well tuned story, functioning as a well oiled machine, are the ones people like the most. Ones that never give the reader a reason to pause, but also never makes them feel like they're being rushed either.

4030191 What I said on your blog. No matter what you think, you have potential.
Your comment has been deleted due to the high possibility of the thread being completely derailed. It's nothing personal.

This review, brought to you as part of the School for New Reviewers practice program.

Check the self-reply to this comment for some meta-commentary!

A little disclaimer before we start: the following review is worded to be fact when, really, it’s just my opinion. I don’t take myself to be fanfic gospel truth, and neither should you; I’d invite you to try and see the thoughts behind the reaction, like a reflection of your work. You’re free to do with it as you wish.

I’ll happily admit that I’m not your target audience - it took me some time to remember who Fleetfoot was, and the only brushing up I’ve done is checking the Wiki for plot involvement. You may want to take a larger pinch of salt than usual.

tl;dr: Theme of opening statement doesn’t quite match up with the proceeding development; Fleetfoot being a passive character in a story revolving around her pathos weakens the experience; paragraph traits being similar make the tone of the story taste plain.

Let’s talk about your opener.

Your opener does something remarkable in that it sets the tone and conflict up very clearly - I haven’t read a lot of fics with such upfront clarity. While it’s appreciated, the problem is that it’s clear in the same way a school essay is clear: you literally have Fleetfoot spill out, in verbal monologue, her problems. It’s very textbook-like, y’know, it’s effective at what it does, if that were its only goal.

Because of that, the whole thing feels kinda overwraught - “ah, I sound dramatic to let you know that this is what the story is about”, rather than “ah, I’ve got a conflict. This is a problem that I must solve”.

1) After mulling over this a while, I figured out why I couldn’t get myself to immerse: there’s an awfully heavy reliance on B.Y.O. (bring your own) investment.

Character-wise: this isn’t the deal-breaker, but still worth mentioning.

Like, are we supposed to care just because she’s sad? Or because she’s Fleetfoot?

So far the Fleetfoot you paint, as a character, is the same sad sack as every outcast teenage brony in those HiEs. What makes people different from each other is the sum of their experiences, and that needs to show. You’ve got to show us at least a glimpse of Fleetfoot’s pride, that hunger to achieve - for her being broken to feel like she’s been broken, and not that she’s been like that forever. Show us what should be in conjunction with what currently is - that way, we get a glimpse of what we’re rooting for.

Plot-wise: You raise a mildly interesting question given Fleetfoot’s canon story. It’s a pretty good catch, and believable that she’d ask the question. Unfortunately, it’s not interesting enough to hook. It may resonate with people who believe in that kinda thing. I’ll admit I’m not one of them, which could be why it just ended up falling flat for me.

Seemingly reaching a threshold, inadequacy, comparing to others - these are all potent themes. Yet they have no build-up, no fleshing out - you tell us she has this but all there is to show for it is her moaning. It’s just empty tags floating around.

We’ll come back to this too. For now, we’ll remain on your opening scene, before Luna comes to sweep her up.

2) Here’s the one thing that I will strongly insist you change. At the beginning, I had a serious problem with how drab everything was, and I blame it on:

"Magic controls everything," Fleetfoot told herself in a monotone voice.

I’m fairly sure that if you hadn’t used that, I’d be feeling in a better disposition for what followed.

You have one first impression, the splash of the colour of your breath on to a blank sheet, that you can’t change. Tone is what sets expectations and, equally vital, the mindset to handle the information you want to convey. Opening with your main character being bored and depressed leaves us feeling the same thing, or at least expecting drab and dreary things. So we put on our grey-tinted glasses and suddenly what could have been compelling conflict becomes weak flailing.

B-but that’s what the story is about!

Yes, but that’s not what your opener has to be.

We come back to the execution. Consider your conflict - Fleetfoot being unable to do jack against Tirek because Drain Magic. While how she feels about it, and the resolution thereof, is the theme of your story, your conflict gives you ample excitement to exploit.

Give me the nightmare flashback, the cold sweat, the falling feeling mixed with the dread of impeding death. Give me the fear and the visceral, not

She'd only blink a few times, but other than that, everything about her face, and even her general posture, was static

because that just ain’t intriguing.

3) I suspect that, for some cases,the drab issue is as simple as paragraphing - your sentences, they mush together with vanilla scenery and end up like store-bought cupcake mix.

Perhaps if you let some sentences stand on their own...

You might have noticed a shift in your ability to process what you’ve just read. Doesn’t it seem like the suggestion has more weight? It’s an almost magical way that aesthetics can fine-tune how your reader perceives. One-sentence paragraphs are risky. Too many of them, the whole thing feels disjointed. But play with them right, and you’ve got a limited amount of sections that you can really grab the reader. Think of it like a revolver - you’ve got only six bullets in the barrel, but that’s six bullets that you’ve got.

I’d suggest that you give some of Fl.’s thoughts regarding her feelings their own paragraph. You wanna look at what I’ll call compounded paragraphs, because of the mixed types of sentences you’ve got in there:

"It's not like I should care anymore," Fleetfoot continued. "Was my joy for flying meaningless? Is my special talent something that any pegasus can do, just a little bit faster and nimbler than usual? If it is, it's not really a special talent. It's just some talent." She let out a yawn and stretched her forelegs before wrapping her blanket tighter than before as though she slept in a cocoon. "I wish I had somepony to share this with." Her heart ached and her eyes teared up a little, but were cleansed of them after she wiped her eyes. "Nopony would care about me. I'm just some braggart. Why would anypony like me." She closed her eyes. "I just, I just want somepony to know how I'm feeling. Maybe I can find someone to talk to tomorrow." Seconds went by, and Fleetfoot let out an elongated yawn. She drifted off into a deep sleep.

This is one such example.

I mean, seriously, look at that - I understand the writing philosophy behind it. I practice it sometimes myself. But you want to show Fl. being huddled up, not your sentences. I’ll go as far to even say that it results in a very boring tempo - the reading experience isn’t “build the scene line by line in my head”, but more of “digest this multivitamin”.

This is what I mean by sentence traits being similar make the tone of the story taste plain. It’s okay to let a paragraph be action only, and another to be dialogue. You’re probably subscribed to the idea of no-talking-heads, which you’ve got pat-down, kinda - but see, there’s just Fl. here. You can afford to space it out a bit. Really breathe.

Make us feel that chill of the night. To hear nothing but her breathing. How awkward yet empty it is when it’s just her voice, slightly cracking, in the air. That kind of painful restless non-sleep.

5) And it’s a pity, because you do write good sentences:

She turned to her right and peered out of her window, a few twinkling stars outside visible. The brightest of these formed a constellation in the image of a swallow, which drew her eyes towards it. Something about that constellation spoke to her heart, but it was in a foreign language as far as she knew.

She couldn't get better, nor could she get worse. She'd just be Fleetfoot. Destined to be the fourth, maybe fifth, or perhaps sixth best flier. Feeling a wave of melancholy constrict her soul, Fleetfoot's eyes drooped. Everything inside of her felt empty. Something was missing that was once there, something that made her smile.

When I was skimming through your work, these were the sentences that made me realize you know more instinctively than you realize, although they are a bit too melodramatic for my tastes (which, again, actually contributes to setup clarity). I strikethrough’d the parts that I felt you should reconsider, by the way - stare at it and ask if you really need to hammer the one point that hard. There are more like it, but this should give you a key to get started with.

6) Another thing I was thinking about is if you could have been more nuanced with the opener - less of outright telling us Fl. was feeling X, and more of the effects of it, and in doing so, allows us to piece together what she feels.

What do depressed people do that normal people don’t? You could replace some of that reflection of inner thoughts with a reflection of the day that passed, activities, portrayals that hint at instead of, well, say outright.

I’m going to devote this section for you to take a break. Go for a walk, or a drink of water. Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. Really, go.

You’re back? Good.

I think I’ve managed to put my thumb down on why it is I found your story hard to review. You do a lot of things the correct way: the balance of action to dialogue is good, your plot structure is reasonable, the core idea of it is believable and sound. You have little bits of scene that I personally like in my reading. You even strike me as the kind of author who’d study published material, and noticed certain patterns to utilize - because you do those aspects decently. In short, your technicals are fine.

However, you can do better by a long shot with the elements you’re playing with. It needs more... life to it, and I’m not talking about the opener any more. We’re getting to that now.

7) By the by: yet another reason for the review being difficult is because what follows after the opener was rather different from what your summary said.

I was expecting some sort of dream adventure and issues of free will and destiny... what I ended up getting was behind-the-scenes Rainbow and Twilight. As a result, my expectations were skewed, and these are kinda hard to wind back for objectivity and all. Not that I didn’t - it just took some time is all.

When an opportunity to find out arises in a dream, it then becomes a question of whether Fleetfoot will regret seeking these answers or not.

Look at that. You wrote that. That was what sold me into buying into your work. The implication that there’s something dangerous, something that Fl. might regret.

I’ll say it more clearly: your summary is downright tantalizing. I do Seattle’s Angels scouting. I literally flip through authors’ pages, glance at summaries, and hope for flashes in the pan, and this is one of those flashes.

I was also expecting something more nuanced, from the softer words “wonders” and “these thoughts swirl...” - which could be why the straight-played stuff put me off a bit.

But, well - the theme of opening statement doesn’t quite match up with the proceeding development. It moves from questions of destiny and free will to the EQ Games tryouts, which was more about being a decent friend/not being a crappy teammate.

Your lesson, the resolution, is about being a decent friend/not being a crappy teammate, and how everyone sometimes makes mistakes but it’s okay.

What on earth does this have to do with destiny and free will?

Recall also the part about potent themes. Feeling inadequate as a flyer, reaching a threshold - you revisit none of those. It’s mostly devoted to backstory closure for the EQ Games tryouts.

I think the question speaks for itself. I won’t bug you any more about it. The solution is also very simple - just rephrase your conflict and your summary. Take the source of your pathos (emotions) out of Tirek’s big dooey and put it into something to do with Soarin, or the rest of the Wonderbolts.

8) Here’s the issue with your dialogue: everyone sounds the same. RD sounds like Twilight sounds like Luna sounds like Fl. There’s little of Rainbow’s fighting against her pride to be vulnerable, little too of Fl.’s probably-similar pride. I’m no good with Luna’s voice, and I think Twilight’s is fine, but they’re all very similar - if you reversed the roles but kept the characters they’d end up saying the same things the same way.

Fl. goes through some very basic apprehension-overdrived relief (bursting into tears for an issue (not caring about Soarin) that she actually already came to peace with in the episode itself?), and has no self-initiated actions, only reactions. Fleetfoot being a passive character in a story revolving around her pathos weakens the experience.

For this, there’s nothing but to reassess your dialogue and how X says Y. Deciding where you want to take your conflict - whether it be Tirek-based or the EQ Games tryouts - will determine the direction of your rewriting, with neither being lighter than the other.

We’re more or less at the end. It’s been awfully lengthy - thank you for making it this far - a lot of it is trying to quantify why I felt what I felt, and justifying it with coherent albeit awkwardly-flowing arguments.

I’m sorry, also, if you felt crushed at any point. I make little effort to be polite. Being polite gets in the way of caring, for me - you are a writer who’s picked up some good tools and a pretty novel angle, but in other areas you are lacking. And that’s why I will fluster about and emphasize my words and write reviews half as long as the work itself - while I might not care about Fl., I care about how she was executed, and the author who’s doing the execution.

Don’t tell me your stories are no good. I’ve only read one. And that, hopefully, will not be the last. Don’t bother trying to apply all of this, it’ll just get in the way of your writing.

But - I hope - you can mull over the points I’m making, from the angle I stand, and find something helpful to aid you in your journey.

More than likely, I’ll see you when you get there - until then, keep writing.

Sincerely,
Casca

4027651
4030169
As Doseux suggested here, 4000789, giving a bit of meta-commentary, and you're invited to do so if you like.

4030423
Meta-commentary on Casca's review

Pros (as per what I see):
+ it's elaborate. No criticism is just dropped there; if I call out the author, I am at least going to give them the courtesy of understanding why
+ I give suggestions to follow up on points of criticism. These suggestions are fairly open-ended, and I don't push them as a cure-all - I just leave them there, and make note both at the beginning and at the end that it's the author's power to do as he wishes
+ I'm self-aware. I hope, at least, that it compensates for the bluntness of the review - less top-down and more side-side. I understand, too, that the author is another fellow human who really shouldn't take everything in one go, and express this explicitly
+ I try to keep my paragraphs short and digestible

Cons:
- it's bloody long
- it's probably still overwhelming
- most of the words are spent on reasoning, which is not immediately useful to the author
- structure of the points could be better - as it is it's semi-rambling, though I place part of this on the intertwined nature of the issues

Work and life have cut my time short on this one, so I’m going to skip all the silly bits I usually lead off with and get with down to the key points. And probably post it a bit late anyway.

While you’ve got an interesting subject here — putting a spotlight on a pony with almost no fandom or show presence — have a good conflict for her, and raise a couple good questions about how things work in Equestria, the story just kind of falls flat. Why is that?

Well, first, you don’t seem to trust yourself to express your thoughts succinctly, as so you write more than is needed. You overexplain, belabor the point, or repeat yourself. But that just drags things out, when you’d really be better off cutting back and getting a faster pace.

The story really needs more action, too. This is really the same problem as the previous point, but a different part of the solution. Anyway, it’s not that we need some big action-adventure plot to make it interesting. After all, AbsoluteAnonymous one wrote a fascinating character piece where Pinkie Pie has an existential crisis while watching paint dry. But Fleetfoot here is very passive. If she were actually doing things, even if those things were more trying to pass the time when she can’t sleep, it would be something.

The next issue is that it just feels disjointed. How was what Luna showed her relevant to her problem? Or what Dash tells her at the end? Fleetfoot seems to be afraid that Hard Work Hardly Works, and she’ll always lag behind fliers who simply have a more powerful Talent than her, no matter how much she tries.

But she sees a lesson about how being a friend is more important than winning, and a lesson about humility.

Neither of those feel particularly relevant.

Maybe she could have learned that it’s okay to be second- (or third- or fourth-) -best, but that wouldn’t have been very satisfying. Better than that, maybe the story could have built towards a different moral. One that seems particularly fitting to her dilemma might be:

Do not be discouraged that others have a seeming natural advantage over you. Through hard work, you can equal or outshine those gifted individuals. That you worked harder for it than they did doesn’t lessen the worth of what you have done.

That feels like where you were headed to begin with, and could have come right off of the show, to boot. It wouldn’t be a bad message for a lot of people on here, either.

So there you go. Those two issues may color the story as a whole, but they’re still really the only two problems. Your spelling and grammar are fine, and that puts you ahead of about half the things I review for right off the bat. Just tighten it up and consider your focus, and this would be a perfectly fine story.

4030169
You make your point of view very clear in a much more concise way than I. We're pretty much on the same page, except for the prose part, which I thought had its moments. Heh.

4032913
These are also good points. I'll take it that, if you had the time (thanks for following through even so!) you'd have elaborated more on sections such as "overexplain" and "needs more action" - would've been interested to see what you might have prescribed in their place, just from one reviewer/editor/tomatonator to another.

4030452 ...so even with that brilliantly structured review, in my opinion, it can still be shortened and perhaps even structured better? Amazing.

4659105
Haha, yup!

The thing is - it tends to be easier for the reviewer to write and read the review than for the author, sometimes simply because of the volume of concepts being offered (and the word bulk to package them with). Less is more, not sometimes, but most of the time - the risk of a non-exhaustive review is usually easily remedied with a disclaimer, and outweighs the risk of a draining, incomprehensible, and ultimately ignored review.

It's all about people, in the end. =)

4659287 But in a review like yours it is painted with so many colors that honestly, if were written long enough, would have had me reading for hours. You say less is more, but is it really all in how you present the review whether it is long or short?

4659317
Now, this is just myself, but I believe honestly that aesthetic plays a part in things. I enjoy reading longform reviews of my work, but when it comes to implementing, I prefer the shopping lists and the short paragraphs, assuming I get an open channel to further talk with my reviewer. Be it immediate reaction, or coming back to it after a couple of weeks... I would more likely follow through with the review I remembered to be "doable" than that which I remember to be "long".

Longform reviews that discuss topics with a more general spin are great, though, when the intended reader is not the author - that is, not so much work is required on their behalf. Seattle's Angels and Chris' One Man's Pony Ramblings, for example. Again, this would just be me - I am required to do a lot of technical reading, so large paragraphs do not trigger nice feelings in me. =x but I'm always interested to see how other people feel about it!

4659426 Interesting, so for a reviewer like me who is still relatively new to the practice would it be safer to keep it as short and to the point as possible?

While I love to add a fair share of what I call beauty to my reviews I feel having little to tell, on top of it not being as effective as it should be, greatly decreases the chances of it being read by the author much less anyone else.

So is the objective in the end to keep it short and as much to the point as possible no matter the length?

4659466
I would say: the objective in the end is to help the author. Often, this means keeping it short and to the point. But that's for editing, and if you're doing a review for an audience instead, flair is a definite positive. =)

Now, that much being said, rarely as there stories that couldn't be improved on the more abstract things - what it colloquially referred to as the feel of it. Those would lead to longer discussion, which may or may not be avoidable. These are where I find most of my review mass comes from - in things that I find hard to put into words, so I must use a lot more of them.