They Can't Take What's Ours is the worst thing in the history of anything ever. And I actually might mean it this time. This horrible excuse for a story is so disgusting I am having trouble containing my rage. I was flipping off this story for most of its very short duration.

1. Portraying suicide as the go-to solution for any conflict ever.
2. Containing a (really fking stupid) statement on homosexuality.
3. Letting the offenders go away unscathed because suicide was the "right choice".
4. Kicking the audience in the face by saying the characters were happier now that they're dead.

There were rumblings in the comments about this being a trollfic, but since my process for handling trollfics (both confirmed and suspected) is radically different then my regular process and is still in development, I'll treat the story like it's not one.

Our story begins on a "twinkly night" (wat), and Rainbow, Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy all have something to say.

On a twinkly night, the friends find out about the relationship of Twilight and Applejack. They weren't exactly that happy. "Applejack, you should break up with Twilight." Rainbow said.

Christ, where do I start? I'm not going to bother with the fundamental mistakes a fanfic makes in most of these reviews, because I feel as though you, as an audience, have the mental faculties to divine that for yourselves. But seriously, they find out that Twi and AJ are in a relationship and immediately go and demand they break up? Not only is that incredibly OOC, it immediately makes me think of the characters as self-righteous assholes who give zero fucks about their "friends".

So it turns out their reasoning for telling the two lovers to break up is being marefriends is "unbecoming".

So, the Mane Four are homophobic jackasses. Wonderful main characters, aren't they?

So, this is the argument that will lead to AJ and Twi kicking the bucket.

"I agree with Rainbow this time. Being marefriends seems unbecoming." Rarity said.

"Granny once said, 'Be yourself, that's all that matters.' and I still stand on that." Applejack said angrily.

"Well, fine! We'll just sit here until you make a decision." Rainbow shouted.

I have no comment on this that you couldn't grasp yourselves.

AJ then suggests that they talk to Twilight's parents since her family is busy. Twi then reminds apple horse that her parents are dead.

We learn later in the story that the two became marefriends because they mutually helped one another to get over their parents' deaths. So why would Applejack forget that? Unless… Oh no, author. You did just force this into the narrative to make a sad moment.

She did, didn't she?

AJ and Twi both come up with a solution, and relay it to the group. The idea: kill themselves.

And they do. The Mane Four run to Mayor Mare and tell her about it. A funeral is arranged, and the Mane Four confess to Cadance and Shining Armor that they caused Twi and AJ to kill themselves. The royal couple say that they could tell all along. Celestia adds that Twi and AJ are in heaven now and are truly happy.

Do you realize what you're implying, author? Do you!

"Hello? Rarity? Rainbow? Pinkie? Fluttershy?"

No…

Then they saw Twilight and Applejack, except they were glowing in purple and orange.

No…!

"We just wanted you to know that you don't need to be guilty. We're friends, we'll always be intact."

The story goes on to say that they all live happily ever after, and they'll never forget the Magic of Friendship, despite the fact their closest friends took their own lives purely to spite them.

The overall problem here is that the suicide isn't given any weight. It's treated as a milestone, not a decision of finality. Then the author goes and spits in our faces with the visions of Twi and AJ. It's a kick to the stomach for anyone who has actually experienced real depressed, and the author constantly demonstrates she has not.

If I had to give this story two things, it's that it has a very basic understanding of capitalization and punctuation. Also, the comments section introduced me to one of the best forum weapons devised.

This review was shorter than the last one mostly due to the length of the fanfic itself and the fact that most of the glaring problems can be seen by the very unrefined eye. If anyone who feels qualified wants to create a follow-up review to cover some of the holes I missed, feel free to do it. Christ, I'm done here. Fuck this story.

Previous Reviews

The Lost Prince

Yeah... this story is one of the worst things I've ever read, personally. In fact, I'd say it would score somewhere around 4th place, personally. The only thing saving it from getting higher is that it's really short. Still though, this story can go screw itself. And no, it's not a trollfic, I promise. Cheers
4334768

4335028 But I still have one question: Where's Spike?

4334768 Wow...this story is pretty fucking terrible.

4336073 You can thank Charles for introducing us.

4336051 Probably hiding in a far better fanfic somewhere. He noped his way right out

4336155 You mean like Rise of Spike the Dragon?

4336228 I said a good fanfic, damnit. Not that piece of OOC crap. Think more a friend of a friend or Tuesday.

4336262 You've lost your mind. RoStD is a relic of our time!

4336288

You've got to be fucking kidding me, that's a joke right, it's almost as bad as this horror, eh.

4336364

4336288
Okay, let's ignore for a minute that said story screwed over all canon portrayals within chapter 1: what about it makes it so excellent? (if you're not joking, that is). Why is it good in your mind?

4336565 My bad. Should have added a to the end of my comment.

WHAT?! WHAT THE FU-

4334768 That... was pretty terrible. Definitely qualifies as one of the worst.

4337011 My thoughts exactly.
4337079 I really don't want that statement to be proven wrong.

4337094 Well he got Applejack, one of my favorite characters ever, to commit suicide with Twilight and they let the Mane Four get away with it!? No... No... NO! NO NO NO NO! You do NOT just let people get away with crimes because they would be "happier"! A crime is still a crime and I doubt they would be happy in death knowing their BEST FRIENDS wanted them to break up just because it's "unbecoming"?

Great. In one day I've found two of the worst fanfictions I've ever read.

4336952 Ah. Well, I suppose you'll be organizing the stories at the bottom of this review from best to worst, eh?

4337223 I'm still designing the display. When it's done, I'll edit it in and go on to the next review.

4334768
Can it be? Another on-site critic who watches I Hate Everything's channel?

4493645 I thought I was the only one!

4493712
Nope. I love that cynical jackass.

4334768

So I've pulled up the list of the bottom 100 lowest-rated fanfics in the Badfic Bin's main folder, and I'm going through them one by one to find the worst story ever.

Oh boy. You're doing what I wouldn't be able to do. Strong guy, good luck. This one you just completely deconstructed is really, really bad. Argh, it got my blood boiling just thinking about how this whole character progression went, if there even was any to state.

4493774 same