Author's Note:

Music recommendation for this story:
- Looking Glass - The Birthday Massacre
- Sin7sinS - Between Broken Dreams
- The Gathering - Saturnine

Let me know in the comments what you thought about this story. I want to know. I like all kinds of feedback. You can be as critical, nitpicky and negative as you want; I’ll still upvote your comment, regardless.

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GDoc

Author's Note inside the story itself. *ding* (1)

Let me know in the comments what you thought about this story. I want to know. I like all kinds of feedback. You can be as critical, nitpicky and negative as you want; I’ll still upvote your comment, regardless.

You've only brought this upon yourself, remember that. *ding* (2)

“Ugh!” Sighing, Butch looked at his watch. The numbers seemed out of focus even though he was wearing glasses. He lifted his arm closer and read the numbers. “Oh, fuck! It’s 69 already.”

Futzy grammar. *ding* "69" hurrhurr *ding* (13)

“Wait …” Butch narrowed his eyelids. “That can’t be right.”

Ellipses. *ding* (14)

With lucidity established, Butch knew that he had a whole range of dream manipulation abilities at his disposal. Besides telekinesis, he could fly, traverse through solid objects, teleport over small distances, and stop time, just by willing it. He had discovered all these superpowers by experimenting in his previous lucid dreams. They became almost like second nature to him whenever he discovered that his current conscious existence resided in a dream state.

Show! Don't tell! *ding* (15)

waste of this fairly rare dreaming state.

Previously stated this was "regular" for him. *ding* (16)

Reaching down, he felt his Derpy Hooves toy in his pants.

Where you keep your miniatures is your personal business, Bad Dragon. *ding* (17)

As he stood up, his bed sheet fell off of him to the grass at his bare feet.

"But it wasn't really a dream! Or was it!?" *ding* (18)

On a related note. *lotsadings* Her name is Ditzy. (60)

It would be a tragedy to miss on the opportunity to meet, not just a talking pony, but the best pony of them all.

TOO MANY COMMAS AAAA *ding* (61)

walking into the alley between the buildings

As opposed to the alleys in the middle of the street or in fields. *ding* (62)

“I was just about to give chase. I’m glad you saved me the trouble.”

Creep alert *ding* (63)

“Somepony help! I’m being molested!”

Given the population of Ponyville and the gentle nature of its residents, I give Butch about ten seconds. *ding* (64)

“You know what, you’re not like the Derpy I know. The real Derpy is nice, not mean, as you are.”

Yes butch, most people tend to be a little offput by being manhandled. Big surprise, I know. *ding* (65)

... Legitimately most uncomfortable rape scene I've ever read. *DING* (165)

Luna slammed to the ground with her hooves.

As opposed to falling on her face. *ding* (166)

Her whole face was clenched.

What like, like a hand? *ding* (167)

peaked

This, peeked, and piqued consistently being wrong is a huge trigger for me. *ding* (168)

He cringed as he tried to move his hips away from the hurtful surface, but an enormous force, pushing on him, prevented him from moving any part of his body

Commas, man. Also "River Tam" style descriptors. *dingding* (170)

I bet your species got the name by raping the letter ‘r’ from the word ‘rape’.

... Well there it is. The dumbest sentence I'll read today. These words would never come out of Luna's mouth in a million years. *ding* (171)

sentient

Sapient. Worms are sentient. Plants are sentient. *ding* (221)

“To this day, this has never been performed.

Because we just did it today! Also extremely contrived explanation. *ding* (222)

She persisted with her monolog, ignoring his struggle. “More than a thousand years ago, I let my mind connect with your dreamworld on the astral level. I now have no doubt, that it was the corruption of your world that infected me and transformed me into Nightmare Moon.

*Monologue. *ding* Also standard HUMANS ARE EEEEEVIIIIL. *ding* (224)

subversion of evil must be prevented,

So Luna's an agent of Evil here? *ding* (225)

“I will continually push the moon closer to your sun and in turn, your savage planet will follow.”

The Moon isn't a large enough entity to influence the orbit of the Earth in such a manner. *ding* (226)

FINAL SIN COUNT: 225.
SENTENCE: Thrown into the sun!

6219278
How embarrassing.

6219266
Broken quote tag *ding!*

6219266 Thank you so much for this lengthy review. It's very beneficial for me to get a fresh perspective on the story. I'm blind to my own mistakes, you see? With your feedback, I can now see the error of my ways.

6219303
Glad you're a good sport about it. It was a lot of fun, and I saw that you've been waiting on it for quite some time.