YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!

Not without checking out our latest review anyway. Spoiler Alert: It’s going to take you there and back again. Except there are ponies this time.

Mondai Shunketsu reviews - The Pony: An Unexpected Journeigh

It wasn’t too interesting.

That being said, and out of the way, let me elaborate, so I’m not seen as a complete jerk. What we’re given is a retelling of the classic, The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien. Now, if you graduated high school, you’ve no doubt read (or at least spark noted) this amazing story and then had to write a not-so-amazing report about it. Keep in mind, this isn’t just a simple retelling with pony characters, per se. It’s more along the lines of using the same premise as a backstory for the exploration of Twilight’s great-great-probably a few more great-greats-great ancestor Clover the Clever.

Once again, I’ve managed to do a review on an incomplete story, and one that hasn’t been updated in a while, but don’t lose heart. It's still actually salvageable. Not saying that it was BAD, I’m saying that the execution could’ve been better.

It’s a story within a story, inside of Twilight’s fireplace. The author has the reader constantly shifting between the present (Twi and her friends) to the past (Clover and Co.) via page breaks that look like ---

This is not bad, but the frequency at which Twilight is interrupted (usually by Rainbow Dash) really kills the mood for me. I want to be entranced by Twi’s story, but the constant reminder that, “Hey, this is actually a story our favorite purple unicorn is telling,” is distracting. Maybe that’s how the author intended it, but it’s done so well that it takes away from the actual piece itself. Are you trying to tell me a story about Clover the Clever, or about Twilight telling about Clover the Clever? If one is going to include such page breaks and revert back to the present so often, perhaps it should be done in chapter segments, and not in mid-chapter. (This is a written piece, not a movie, so it’s difficult to pull off the latter successfully)

It was hard to read this and NOT imagine the ponies as the actual characters from An Unexpected Journey. I found myself saying Gandalf at times when the author was writing a Starswirl part, but again, that is probably due to the premise being so closely intertwined with the original piece. That being said, every character introduced has thus held a type-casted persona in my mind. This is not good. I want to see Clover and Starswirl grow as characters from the imaginative mind of the author; to be the great characters that I know they can be, but I can only see them as Gandalf and Bilbo. If that was again, the author’s intention, then they did well. It’s just… not too well for me. Also, I sure do hope Clover speaks like Bilbo, because that’s how I’ve been reading her dialogue.

Grammar and Syntax? Hrmmm… The author has admitted that she has help and edits her writing. I’m not sure if that person even still edits the story though. Regardless, there are still grammar mistakes present, and they are riddled everywhere in the work. It doesn’t detract from the reading (unless you’re some kind of grammar nazi), but it does force me to make a mental note of the instance. My advice is to get more than one proofreader. Or hire someone who blows up when you put a period instead of a comma after a string of text to introduce an identifier. The more aesthetically pleasing a story looks, the more likely one is to read it.

The most notable is the change between past tense and present tense, in mid-paragraph sometimes. Here’s an example:

“Wow, their weather pegasi must be really bad if the weather turned like that. We've got scheduled storms and the like, but that's only when we have to play catch-up.” Rainbow says, tilting her head.

Twilight shook her head. “Like Clover stated, this was in the Lone-lands, a bad-lands that is on the other side of the Everfree Forest, where the Shire is. Nopony lives out there, for there really is nothing there of worth. Not even a strategic point for an army.”

I know you grammar wizards caught the mistake(aside from the speech one), but if you didn’t, let me point it out. In the beginning of the first paragraph, Rainbow Dash speaks and the author identifies it with a present tense version of the word, “said,” which is “says.”
Our next paragraph begins with Twilight, who shook her head. Past tense. This might be an ambiguous example, but the author does this throughout, in both the tale Twilight is weaving AND the moments where the author is speaking about Twilight and her friends. It’s almost like all the dialogue reads in a second person perspective (“Blah blah blah,” Twilight says (to you)), but the narrative is in third person. This doesn’t sit well with me.

Keep it to one tense. If you want to switch, leave the story in past tense, fully past tense and keep the scenes with Twilight present. This way, we’re being told the story of Clover like an actual fireplace reading, by Twilight. Though if you want my HONEST opinion, keep it all in past tense, especially for a 3rd Person POV (Point of view). The way the paragraphs are structured is an eye-sore to the avid reader, and nail biting to the proficient writer.

Because I’ve read The Hobbit and now have seen the movie, I’ve been told this story multiple times. It’s cool to see it done as a revelation into Twilight’s ancestry, but to copy the situations down to the 13 dwarves and the 3 trolls feels like lazy writing. I understand how it feels to be inspired by another’s work, as one of my stories takes directly from the Shadow Dragon Saga of Dragonball GT. However, mine differs in that it’s not a retelling. There are just elements of the saga that inspired certain elements of the story.

It’s a bit early to see if this will be a complete rehash of The Hobbit, but it’s turning out to be more and more. After a while, you’ll realize that you’re just reading Tolkien’s work, except it’s been ponified. That being said, it didn’t hold my interest. I’m sorry, and I can honestly tell that you’ve put a lot of time into this, but it wasn’t my cup of tea. Don’t let that spoil your writing drive or anything, because all I’m doing is giving you a chance to prove me wrong and change my opinion.

Good Luck, Author. And Thank you for your service.

-Shunketsu

2836592

informative, but unfortunately like most of the other blunt reviews its pretty bland. kind of like eating a soft apple.

but nonetheless. it was informative and told me about the story.

thumbs up from my side of the fence

2836658
What would you like to see then? I'm curious...

I'd like to know so as to not bore the readers and the author if he/she sees the review. I find that being straightforward and dull is the way to go, however, but I'd like some insight on how to "live" things up without going full jerk-wad.

2836686

well, id like to see something to spice up the review. pictures, or gifs, even some flavor text. because a review is like a story, if theres nothing that captures the readers attention then it aint gonna work too well.

2836690
I see... I was contemplating that, but I feared it would've taken away from my points. I kind of did that in my last one with the story about Luna and Celestia Pillow fighting. It actually got upvoted because I believe it was "colorful."

Thanks, I'll take these into consideration when doing a review next time.

2836702

Always happy to help a colleague

2836721
Watch me take it too far next time

2836725

Just don't do overdo it, only if it has good context, it should come across as an unnecessary but still interesting gag.

Thank you for the Review Mondai.

Yeah, I'll admit, the last chapter was mostly rehash from what I could remember from my original reading of the Hobbit, as is most of it so far... There will be some divergence soon though, once I'm actually able to hammer out the next chapter.

I hold no qualms on the grammer thing. It's not my strongest subject, nor is my spelling, and while I am always improving, perhaps it would be best if I could find a good Proofreader/editor, as the one I had did indeed jumpship.

2850309 That would be ideal.

Good luck

2852294

I will say fair warning: The first part or so follows pretty closely to the original telling of this next chapter. After that? Well, the plot bunnies are consuming my soul.