Designation ManeFrame, an experimental construct created by the Equalists, has only one purpose – to crush the remaining resistance that struggles against the mighty Empire. However, when the construct gains conscience in a bloody, unmerciful battle, it is thrust into one last, titanic struggle that would decide the fate of Equestria.

Information is scarce to come by, and every clue reveals three more questions. What happened to the Princesses of the Old? How did the Equalists seize power? And just why does the name Twilight Sparkle sound so familiar?

As far as dreary dystopian futures go, this one was pretty interesting. Ponies with guns usually isn't my thing--the whole pulling the trigger with hooves idea kills it for me, unless it's a giant trigger, which just looks silly in my head--but this story mitigates that with some nice melee ideas. Enchanted metal to cut through armor, EMP blades for daggers to cut down the killer robots coming for them, that sort of thing. And giant war zeppelins as battleships. The Sci-Fi works here, is what I'm trying to say. I bought this world as an Equestrian future. It fits the kind of weird technological anachronisms we see in the show.

Though I still have no idea what the "Equalists" mentioned in the long description are. There's only two chapters available, and they were squarely cast as the bad guys, but I'm not sure what they're all about. Are they like Starlight Glimmer? Do they turn everyone into robots in the experiments mentioned in Chapter 1? The world-building hasn't quite advanced that far yet.

Speaking of the long description, I'm afraid there's no prize for guessing why "Twilight Sparkle" sounds so familiar. The story outright says it about a quarter through the first chapter anyway, so it's no spoiler: ManeFrame is Twilight roboticized.

Maybe a bit obvious after that tease, but this was easily my favorite part of the story. The very first scene is ManeFrame switching on, and the Twilight part of her takes over immediately. Even though she doesn't quite know she's Twilight yet, she's analytical, a bit naive, and immediately knows she's... different. Certainly not a pony, but not quite the same as the other robots she wakes up next to. And when she's thrust into a kill-or-be-killed situation, she has to balance this organic sense of wonder and discovery with mechanical programming.

The story gives her quite a few challenges right off the bat, too. Things kick off with a massive battle that introduces all the tech I mentioned above and then some, and ManeFrame leaps into it, guided by instincts she doesn't fully understand. Chapter 2 doesn't get any easier as she's confronted by a ragtag group of ponies showing her the darker side of pony-kind. It's an intriguing line she has to walk, trying to manage what she is with what she wants to do. Even when she doesn't understand what that is yet. Either of those things.

I'm really interested in seeing where this character goes. Twilight Sparkle herself has become a legend in this world, and ManeFrame still has a lot to learn as memories and emotions bubble up, along with some more adolescent reactions in Chapter 2 since she's still a relative newborn. Her characteristics are familiar to me as Twilight, but she's also something new, which makes her a pretty good stand-in for the reader when the world-building kicks in.

On the subject of world-building, there's one fundamental problem I have to bring up: I have no idea what this world looks like. Equestria, yeah, I know that, but it turns out halfway through the first chapter that there's no sun. Which is something you imagine would be mentioned sooner, that the epic battle being waged was taking place at night. Except no, it isn't, because there's no moon either. Celestia and Luna are gone.

So... over the course of my reading, I went from thinking I was stupid when it was revealed there was no sun in Chapter 1. I thought I must have missed that reference. Then Chapter 2 starts with "It was almost dark," and it even gets lighter as the day gets older. There's an obvious traditional day/night cycle in spite of the absence of the sun, which left me wondering whether I was the stupid one, or if it was the author all along. Then it's revealed towards the end of Chapter 2 that the sky "closed up" one day, presumably taking both sun and moon with it.

I am washing my hands of the stupid and putting it all on you, author.

What does "closed up" even mean? How can things get lighter or darker when the two naturally occurring lights are completely gone? Are there stars? If so, has life become nocturnal, when the nighttime is the only time with light? But why were the stars never mentioned? Did ManeFrame never look to the sky during the course of the two chapters? If so, why did she never ponder the sky? Are plants bioluminescent now? Is that where the light is coming from? What the hell is going on in this world?

This is not the kind of thing you want to leave readers wondering about. The new rules of magic, that's interesting, the fact that what we remember from the show isn't valid anymore. That would be fun to wonder about. Leaving us confused as to how characters are able to see what they see is not. I mean... they've been outside. An awful lot of the story has taken place outside. When something as obvious and constant as the sky is never mentioned, we assume that's because nothing is worth mentioning about it. And it turns out everything is worth mentioning about it.

As far as the actual writing goes, it was pretty solid. Which made this sentence in Chapter 2 stand out a bit more:

A grimace quickly crossed face when she opened it, the squeal metal on metal echoed beyond the entrance to the building.

A comma splice, missing words, maybe even a missing -ing on "squeal." Might have a hat trick in one sentence.

I also advise the author to spend a little more time thinking about the details of the writing. A line such as this, for example:

“This is purely on a need-to-know basis, so I might as well indulge you all.

That is literally the opposite of how need-to-know works. What makes it funnier is that the character speaking this line knows it, as this is immediately followed by him ordering everyone not to repeat what he says. Which makes this line just really awkward and weird. I started laughing when I read it.

And this bit in Chapter 2:

A surprised yelp met with the business end of her hoof, the pony falling unconscious before he even met the ground.

She punches this pony before he even existed on the page. Almost like my little rant above, it would be nice to know what your characters are reacting to when they start attacking. Maybe the bit with the guillotine earlier in this scene too. Show us the blade hanging over her head, don't just tell us she knows it's there. Her heart's in her throat, and from the angle she was looking from, the blade would be chopping both of them in one strike. That's a horrifying moment.

As a rule of thumb, start a new paragraph whenever a new character takes a direct action or starts to speak. It avoids confusion. Like this:

“But sir! Falcon’s battalion is riding on us to be able to regroup with them inside the city!” said Grayling’s first lieutenant. Captain Grayling looked at his second in command and heaved a hefty sigh. Another explosion rocked the ceiling above them, spilling miniscule amounts of frozen dust onto them.

“Listen, Lieutenant Core, we can’t break through the blockade. The grunts alone outnumber us five to one! Not to mention, they have superior firepower. Our forces will not survive another assault!” The ponies around the captain erupted into shouting as each tried to interject their own views and statements.

Putting "Listen, Lieutenant Core" after Grayling was made the focus of a new paragraph by looking and sighing would have attributed that analysis to him. As is, I have no idea who was speaking in the second paragraph. Grayling? His second in command? Someone else since the room devolved into shouting immediately after? Frankly, so many captains and lieutenants showed up in this scene and later in Chapter 1, I just started reading them as Captain *Burst of Static* and Lieutenant Purple Haze.

Is there ever not a reason to link this song?

In conclusion, the story isn't quite firing on all cylinders just yet. That said, if there's just one aspect of a story to get right, the main character is a good choice. That's who the reader will spend most of their time with, and there was a lot to like about ManeFrame. I hope this review was helpful, and that the story continues. There's a ton of potential here.

5936011
I was going to be like "It can always get blacker" and link some black metal cover of a MLP song.

But then my search for a good video reminded me that most black/death metal is just mindless guitar thrashing with growling as the vocals and I hate it.

But then I found this and it seems pretty cool.

The sound is like The Black Mages versus the Kidneythieves.

5936157 That's why you need Gwar in your life,

5936011 I'm just going to say that that cover art is really badass and is the only reason why I'm probably going to read this.

5936011
Oh crap, sorry about responding so late! This review came out at a time when I had zilch internet so I couldn't respond before.

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write up this review! I'm very glad you liked it, especially the premise. That was what really spawned the story in the beginning. I quite enjoyed the review and it was very helpful, especially the bit about the sky! I had neglected that aspect completely in the first two chapters but had planned to 'discuss' it in the first part of chapter 3. However, for your information, the first chapter occurred during a snow storm, so that's that. I think I will be reviewing the two chapters and tweaking a few things along with fixing the problems you've pointed out. I'll take heart to what you've said about paying more attention to details.

As you mentioned in the review, my focus is very much going to be centered on the development of ManeFrame, her experiences and how they would change her. World building will also be playing a huge part in the story, but I want to find a way to incorporate it into the plot subtly instead of huge info-dumps.

Thank you once again. I'll definitely be continuing this story as well as improving it!