Unleash the Magic - Midnight Rising
By Firesight

Reviewed by Rinnaul

So, uh, I’m actually really tired as I write this up, and am drawing a total blank on my intro text. Seriously, way to kick off the new round of reviews.

Oh, hey. Remember that AJ fanart I put in the folder opening announcement to remind everyone that I reviewed clop?

It’s my phone wallpaper now.

So that’s a thing.

Anyway, review.

Quick Recommendation: I felt the story dragged in the middle due to a lack of focus and an inconsistent tone, but the writing itself was solid, and it was never actually bad. The climax in Chapter 10, however, was excellently done, and earned this a recommendation for any EQG fans/shippers who are okay with clop and kink. One warning, however: I felt that Chapter 6 crossed a line from “Mind-Control NonCon” to “actual straight-up rape”, and some may find that off-putting.

Part of the difficulty in reviewing this one was keeping objectivity. I had to review the story on what it was, and not what I thought it should be. Though I think it says something that I kept wishing I was among your pre-readers/editors, since I approach my review from a similar mindset, and there are a few things I’d have encouraged you to change. I think I did well enough there, though. Instead, now the issue is going through my notes and culling all the nitpicky crap (“Subtitle is unnecessary and clunky, just call it “Unleash the Magic”) to provide actual useful commentary.

So, first actual complaints? Let’s focus on the first two chapters, and a bit of the third.

First, it really should have been condensed into one chapter. Things frequently felt repetitive here, from the immediately repetitive (Sunset referring to her unicorn origins twice in the first full paragraph) to the overall repetitive (it just feels like she’s going on for a while, basically). Plus, whole thing seemed like a recap of the scene from the movie. Generally, you want to avoid recapping canon scenes. For most readers, it’s going to be a waste of time. They’ve most likely seen it already. You need to be able to add something major to make it worthwhile, and Sunset’s play-by-play isn’t enough, particularly since it was (again) kind of repeating a lot of what she said in her opening.

It probably would have worked better if you’d left out most of Sunset’s musings in the first chapter, and just had her voice those thoughts through the narrative in reaction to Sparkle’s words and actions. Then the additional information, as compared to the original movie scene, would be much clearer, and help keep readers invested (and contrary to one of your author notes, no, sex alone is not enough to keep a reader invested — I’ve read way too much boring clop doing this to think otherwise).

These cuts would be particularly good for the second half of chapter one, which to me read like a literary analysis of the song, and was very tedious and awkward reading.

The other big thing here, which was an ongoing issue, is an uncertain tone. Sunset’s opening was very melodramatic, and I was expecting the transformation scene to focus on Twilight as a tragedy in much the same way that Luna’s transformation into Nightmare Moon was, but that seemed like an afterthought with her cry of “Help me!” thrown in as a brief nod.

I think that about covers the opening, so we can… oh, wait.

That whole Flash scene was painful. Pure cringe. I don't care if he was there in canon (nor do I know — I've never watched any of the EQG movies all the way through), this should have been left out.

Moving on, the most grating thing from the early chapters was the constant return to intensely-aroused guys who can't resist snapping pictures of the girls’ torment. I mean, I can see one or two, but seriously. For most people, safety trumps sexual desires.

Seriously. Not to conjure up the spectre of fedora-clad whining, but this is one of the more frustrating aspects of sexism against males (and one of the few legitimate complaints). It’s harmful in real life, and tedious in fiction.

Anyway, off of the real world issues detour and back to talking about ponies fucking, humanized ponies fucking, ponies fucking humanized ponies, and et cetera.

Most of the time I was reading this fic, I was expecting to give it an “Enjoyable”, mostly because, aside from the opening needing some condensing, almost the entire middle lacked tension or emotion, and just felt weak. And I think there are three things to blame here. Going in order from the smallest issue to the most serious…

First, the need to balance between Midnight Sparkle lecturing her former bullies on their behavior and the sex scenes. Now, this isn’t a problem in and of itself — after all, it’s core to the premise of the entire fic. But it does mean a lot more work is going to go into building tension and hitting emotional highs, and that means the other two problems hit that much harder.

Second, the Mane Six. Now, having them involve not only makes sense, but it’s pretty much necessary. However, they just get too much screen time. The focus should be on Midnight Sparkle and the sex (which one has priority depends on what you want the focus to be), with the secondary characters in third. But sometimes it feels like we spend at least half the chapter watching the peanut gallery. Things get better later on when they're all starting to succumb to the magic, but it's a huge distraction in the early chapters.

Finally, description, or the lack thereof. Erotica runs on description. If you're going to stuff a girl with horsecock to the breaking point, until the only thing keeping it thrilling instead of agonizing is the sex-charged magic literally saturating the air, you need to make the reader feel every inch of that horsecock. Or rather, the desire for that horsecock, given that this is a third-party scene.

As an aside, my phone's​ autocorrect knows to suggest “horsecock” at this point.

While nothing was ever totally glossed over, description was usually pretty sparse. It did just enough to convey the action, but not enough to sell the reader on the sensations.

Between all this, it’s generally lacking emotional high points, both in tension and eroticism, and there’s a lack of increasing tension (again, either dramatic or sexual).

So, after all that criticism, why do I Recommend it?

Well, the writing itself is pretty solid. I never felt the need to start playing copy-editor, and I never hit a point where I wanted to put it down and just be done with it. That merited an “Enjoyable” at the very least, barring anything getting blatantly offensive. There were also a few highlights in the writing itself, like Sunset’s repeated use of “human marehood” (she's been human long enough that most language confusion would be OOC, but how often would she have cause to talk about vagina?), or one particular gem from the epilogue chapters: "figure out how to hold our horses" (it's funny in context).

And then there's Chapter 10.

Chapter 10 saved this. I am, for once, glad to have read past our requirement. It was an excellent climax to the action, and had all the pathos and good description we were missing in earlier chapters. It was also pretty solid shipping, and handled the sexualization of a Magical Girl showdown (EQG basically being a Magical Girl show) about as well as can be expected, and in a way that felt remarkably true to MLP, given the X-rated situation.

I could say more, both good and bad, but it would be nitpicky, and we're supposed to be doing shorter reviews now anyway, so let's wrap this up.

Though the beginning and the middle were merely mediocre, the ending was very well done. So long as you like EQG, shipping, and clop, and don't mind fetishes and a bit of a trek to get there, this is:

Recommended.

Thank you for the quick review! My last review request took nine months, and this took... two days? Very much appreciated!

Interesting take, if not one I entirely agree with, though I find that most of your points have validity and I am grateful for the Recommended ranking. I will take everything here under advisement as I at some point go back to edit and fix up the thing, and yeah, should probably lose or at least heavily modify the Flash bit. Thought it might be a crowd-pleaser at the time but all it did was polarize readers.

The funny thing is, I initially wrote this story just so I could completely cut loose in a clopfic without having to worry about stuff like plot or character development as opposed to my more 'serious' M-rated fics like Five Star Service or The Lawyer and The Unicorn. It was meant to give me the chance to just write pure clop and fetish material, but then something strange happened--a story grew out of it. And instead of the story selling the sex as I usually try to do, the sex sold the story, and that I think is what I like the most about this work. I wrote it with the intention of making it a one-shot but it grew on me and turned into what you saw. I'm very proud of that ending, which was far what I envisioned at the start.

Oh, and... initially those first few chapters actually *were* one bigger chapter (my prereaders can confirm), but I decided to split it up, reasoning that shorter chapters were better for a clopfic like this to start and might even help it feature from the extra reads that would be racked up (did it because of that? No idea.) But even aside from that, I've always been of the opinion that chapters should start small, then may lengthen as the reader is more drawn into the story. That said, I may have overdone it here.

Appreciate the feedback! And invite you to check out my other works, which you will find a far different and more 'serious' flavor of clopfic. This was chance to cut loose be a bit unserious, and it served its purpose well. Thus, no regrets, and no promise that I won't make more fics along these lines when the urge strikes me.

Pre-reader for UtM here. In the interest of full-disclosure I'll say this really isn't my kink at all (I'll stick with ferals, tyvm fam), but Firesight's writing is good enough that he can make most anything readable.

Oh, hey. Remember that AJ fanart I put in the folder opening announcement to remind everyone that I reviewed clop?

It’s my phone wallpaper now.

I'll never understand why someone can't just look at a woman instead of a pony that looks like a woman. As to #wallpaperforthefearless, try the Cutie Mark Crusaders wallpaper on for size! Now that will guarantee a one-way trip to Tartarus.

I felt that Chapter 6 crossed a line from “Mind-Control NonCon” to “actual straight-up rape”, and some may find that off-putting.

It most certainly did! Pretty sure better than half of the downvotes are for that very reason. Normally I hate that sort of thing and will downvote a fic if it shows up unannounced, but I thought the context of the scene redeems it.

(“Subtitle is unnecessary and clunky, just call it “Unleash the Magic”)

What if it indicates a sequel is possible?

That whole Flash scene was painful. Pure cringe. I don't care if he was there in canon (nor do I know — I've never watched any of the EQG movies all the way through), this should have been left out.

The second one is pretty good; the rest are pretty forgettable. I didn't mind the Flash Sentry scene, because he sucks. A lot of people agree with you on this though, Reviewer Man, so it's a fair point of contention.

Moving on, the most grating thing from the early chapters was the constant return to intensely-aroused guys who can't resist snapping pictures of the girls’ torment. I mean, I can see one or two, but seriously. For most people, safety trumps sexual desires.

You're right. I do get a hollow pit in my stomach just thinking about it. As Firesight mentions above, the story did abandon conventional logic in places for the purpose of kink, so there you go. Nice use of the hierarchy of needs pyramid. As a recovering fedoraholic, this appeals to my sensibilities.

Seriously. Not to conjure up the spectre of fedora-clad whining, but this is one of the more frustrating aspects of sexism against males (and one of the few legitimate complaints). It’s harmful in real life, and tedious in fiction.

I know Firesight, and he's no misandrist. Also, I'm sure all of us have some mental garbage we associate with the world around us based on the media we intake, even if not being aware we're doing it. Germans in WW2 portrayed as evil, white men portrayed as cuckolds when blacks are around, marriage between a smart, beautiful, competent woman and a fat, stupid, disgusting, useless slob of a man, etc. Media is pozzed and we all carry the poz to an extent. Before you throw sticks at a story for using a pozzed media narrative, I'd bring up that we live in a pozzed culture.

I was going to blame the fandom, but no. Pretty sure I’m just a terrible person.

Yeah, we're going to hell. But you can be my wingman anytime, Yugi!

Go and suck on your downvote, anonymous.